Monday, January 31, 2011

Just once.....

Last week I was approached to take part as a presenter for a woman's retreat this summer.

I have been wanting to take part as a participant for a couple of years now and for some reason it just didn't work out.  So, when presented with the opportunity to attend as a meditation facilitator you'd think I'd jump at the chance.

You'd think....

I mean what better way to connect with new people who are like minded and create new relationships?!?!  What better way to get my name out to a whole new crowd of people?!?!?!

Oh, I have many excuses for why I did not take this opportunity.  The list is incredibly long!

The real reason I declined to attend as a presenter is because I am totally shit scared of presenting to women who have experienced many meditations already.  I'm feeling intimidated by the line up of amazing women who are also presenting during this weekend...  And I don't think I am worthy of presenting at such an amazing event.


Just once I would like to walk up to an opportunity and embrace it completely without my monkey mind stepping in to question my sanity....

Just once I would like to walk past my fear as if it were nothing more than a fly on the wall walking around in circles and grab hold of opportunity like a long lost lover.

Just once I would like to give myself the credit that I deserve for the multi-talented, divinely creative person that I am.

Just once....

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Sum of My Small Steps....

The other day I was doing some writing in my creative journal and I came across an entry I made more than a year ago that said "I am the sum of my small steps.  When my steps seem their smallest, it is then that I am learning the most".

I had forgotten that I made that entry until I read it again.

And today, the thought hit me again as I sat in the Reiki class I was teaching.  And I found myself explaining to my students that it is when you are at your lowest point in life that you are doing your greatest learning.

I can remember a time in my life when it felt like all I was doing was living on the high of life's peaks and the low's of life's valleys.  Up and down my emotions and life would go, consistently, day after day after day.

It felt like I wasn't getting anywhere at all.  My steps seemed so small.

I wasn't allowing myself the opportunity to nurture myself while I was in those valleys.  I would criticize and judge myself, then I would push through the fatigue, anxiety and depression to the next thing.

I eventually learned that the peaks and valleys that I experienced became less intense when I took the time to listen to my body and nurture my soul.

The emotional valleys are put on our paths to allow us time to rest.  When you are at rest, your body, mind and spirit are healing.  When you are allowing yourself time to rest you are expressing love and appreciation for the self.

Now my steps are a little bigger.  The peaks and valleys hardly noticeable. 

And when I look back I can see my tiny footprints that connect me to who I used to be and who I am now. 

The Courage to Blog

For anyone that blogs, you will know that it isn't easy to do.

To make the decision to go "online" with your journaling is...dare I say....courageous?!?

Sharing your deepest feelings with the world in the hopes that you will inspire someone to make positive changes in their life.  Putting yourself into the spotlight for others to criticize or judge.

So many people with so many life experiences willing to face their fears and go public with some of their darkest secrets makes me hopeful that a more peaceful way of living is just around the corner.

That we all just want to "be the change we want to see in the world".

When I first decided to blog, I did it because I thought it would be a neat thing to do.  I never imagined people actually reading what I had to write.  I certainly never imagined people sharing with me how some of my writing touched them and made a difference in their lives.  It has become for me very therapeutic and at the same time a necessity.  Knowing that so many people are waiting to hear what comes next.

I don't take blogging lightly.

What I share here on this site is a reflection of what I am feeling in the moment.  How I am processing those emotions and how I hope to grow and learn from this process.

What I hope for the most is that somehow I can be a light that shines in your dark moment.  That I can offer a new perspective or at least help you to feel less alone on your journey to wholeness and well being.

Because to feel less alone in this great big world, can make all the difference.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Today's gift....

I woke up to the phone ringing this morning.

It was my "mum in law" letting me know that my grandma was in the hospital with pneumonia.  And wanted to ask me if I could help out keeping her company, that my "cousin in law" was in all night with her and if I could, would I go and spend some time and see if I could help. 

Of course I could!

I blogged about grandma not long ago.  About it being her 92nd birthday and how cute it was that she didn't remember what day it was even though we just were talking about it being her birthday.

She's special to me.


I stopped in to sit with her a while, had a great visit with my "cousin in law" and helped gram out a bit with getting some water and eating some soup. 

I watched her hold my sons hand as if it was a life preserver. 

I watched her curled in a ball in her bed, softly snoring and sleeping like a baby.

None of this may seem grandiose to anyone but me.  However, tonight as I sit here thinking about this day, I am filled with nothing but gratitude for this family that I have married into.  That I have been asked to and am able to be a part of caring for such an important person in their lives.  That I am included in the time they have with her.  And that she calls me her granddaughter.

What a gift.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Loving these moments...

My oldest son has been struggling with his relationship with his girlfriend lately.

He told me they never seem happy anymore and that they always seem to be miserable around eachother.  Gone are the days of having great conversation and cuddling time.

They just celebrated their one year anniversary and I know in his heart he wants this relationship to last forever.  He really really loves this girl with his whole heart.

That's just the kind of guy he is.  The kind that would do anything for you, love you to pieces and fall apart every time something goes wrong.  He's also the kind of guy that will beat himself up for not being happy or being able to make someone else happy.

So yesterday the day began with a little pep talk in the kitchen over a nice long hug.  He was distraught thinking this girl was going to give up on him and wasn't sure how he was going to get through the pain of that loss.

The mother in me doesn't want to see him hurting.  The realist in me wants him to learn now (instead of later) that all of the happiness in the world depends on whether or not he wants to feel it and accept it as his to have and experience.  Not on someone else's acceptance or rejection of him.

So we talked about the choices he could make, the choices he is currently faced with and which choice will potentially take him down which path.  We talked about how every relationship is a chance to learn something about our capacity to love and accept others and more importantly our capacity to love and accept ourselves.

And as I'm sure it is with every mother of teenage children, I never know if my words are heard or if I'm simply putting a band aid on the situation to get him through another day.

He confirmed for me last night that my words were in fact heard.  And not only that, they were felt as well.

He welcomed me after school with a big hug and a thank you.

When I questioned the "Thank you" part (since I hadn't made him his favourite meal...yet!) he said "you helped me so much this morning.  You know when you hear something that your ready to hear and it just clicks?  Well, when you told me about my choices I thought about it all the way to school and something inside of me just clicked.  I get it, I get that I am in charge of my feelings, not someone else, and I can be happy even when things aren't going the way I want them to go because it feels better than not sleeping and not feeling good".

I couldn't stop hugging that boy.  I didn't want to let him go, I don't want to let him go and grow up.

He is though without even thinking he is turning into a very very wise young man.

Something my heart always knew would happen.

What room are you living in?

This quote is speaking to me today.

"There is an Indian Belief that everyone is in a house of four rooms: A physical, a mental, an emotional and a spiritual. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room everyday, even if only to keep it aired, we are not complete."    -- Rumer Godden

Lately I've been paying more attention to which "room" I am living in and have realized that I am sometimes afraid to leave that room and venture into another.

The emotional room seems to have been one that I visit less frequently and it all depends on the emotions that are waiting for me there.
I find lately it's becoming easier and easier to show my happy emotions and harder and harder to show my not so happy emotions.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I can't hide my emotions.  I wear them on my face and carry them in my body.  Expressing them verbally is another issue altogether. 
Every once in a while I wake up in a mood that is quite edgy, sometimes sarcastic and always witty.  And if I'm being honest here, it is a really fun mood to be in.  Personally, it's the mood I feel most creative in, it's the mood where I get more accomplished and appreciate myself more. 
And yet, there is a small piece of me that says "you can't show this to other people, this is not who you want them to see.  This personality is not cute, calm and inviting.  Stay home and don't talk to anyone while you are like this". 
That's the voice of the person inside of me that isn't comfortable with her authentic power. 
Authentic power is when you are living in all 4 of those rooms and you are comfortable with each of them.  Authentic power is never hiding who you are whether you think it's good or bad, it's important to show the world your many wonderful facets of being human.
If only to inspire someone else to do the same.
It's a myth that "spiritually conscious" people never experience anger, resentment, jealousy, shame and have to be loving and kind every moment of every day (Mother Teresa was an extremely special woman, we weren't all cut out to be just like her).  Each of us is here to experience all of life, every emotion, every challenge for the sake of our own personal growth.

The point of the spiritual journey is to walk through all of our experiences and learn from them, and that means feeling the emotions that come up throughout the experience. 

We rarely learn a lesson of great importance while walking on cloud 9 with a smile on our face and a spring in our step!

So, this quote is a reminder to me to visit my emotional room every day, check in, take a look around and see what needs to be addressed without judgement, without fear.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Art of Acceptance

I've spent most of my life looking for acceptance.

Spent most of my time being someone I couldn't maintain, to try and gain acceptance from others.

Only to find a dead end street.

So many have been here and might recognize this message.

We try and fail, beat ourselves up, convince ourselves that there is something wrong with us and that is why we are not being accepted into a circle of friends, a job, a love or a family.

And yet what we really need to be doing is taking a moment to notice that we are the ones that are denying acceptance.

To ourselves.

For me, I have begun to recognize that acceptance is right in line with forgiveness and self love.

Without acceptance of what is and who I am, how am I to be completely free of the fears and worries that plague us in this crazy world?

I'm learning to shrug my shoulders at my funny ways.  I'm learning to go easy on the girl that is me, trying so hard to get things right that she sometimes forgets that she needs to accept where she is at all times and be loving and forgiving to herself.

The more I accept of myself, the more I can see the miracles that surround us.  The miracles of the people in our lives, our health, our challenges, our blessings, our sad moments and our happy moments.

All dancing together in each of our lives to prove to us that we are more than worthy of our own acceptance.

My hope is that today you will spend some time accepting yourself for all that you are, that you will be gentle with yourself and that you will see the light that lives within you, that will shine more brightly when you accept it.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Heart Power Coaching

Today, I once again had the pleasure of working with Rosemary Heenan

Not only is Rosemary a wonderful friend of mine, she is also a coach with a very big heart.

Today Rosemary came by the house to do a hand analysis for my husband.

I had my hand analysis done about a year ago.  The confirmations and affirmations that were living in my prints gave me permission to be me, fully and completely without exception and without apology.

Since then I have been living life full out.  I go forward with ideas, I embrace my roles as "stay at home mom" and "entrepreneur" and I don't apologize for the happiness and fun I am experiencing.  A far cry from who I once was.

So, being present for the initial print analysis for hubby was a real blessing.

There were so many things that he could relate to experiencing.  With each new piece of information that his finger prints revealed I could see his face get lighter, I could see his self love growing inside of him.

There were many things confirmed in his prints (and in mine) that explain alot about our relationship, how we communicate (or better yet, how we don't communicate), as well as how perfect we are for eachother because we perfectly challenge eachother in our life lesson area.

If I can recommend one thing to anyone who struggles with where they are in life, who they are in life and what they need to do about it, it would be to give Rosemary a call.  Get her to do your hand analysis and then begin to live your life the way you were meant to live it.

On top of that, Rosemary offers an ongoing mentoring program for her hand analysis clients, to help them better understand the knowledge that their hands hold.  She will lovingly guide you through your journey to know yourself better.

She's simply a gift to all who know her!

Thanks Rosemary!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

More Love Please

I've totally been lying to myself all these years by telling myself that nobody loves me.

Of course everybody loves me.  They just all have different ways of showing it :)

Okay.  For real though.

How many times have you begged your significant other, friend or family member for more love?  More attention?  More affection?  More kindness?  Blah, blah, blah.  And they just don't understand what you are asking from them!

Here's a secret...

They don't understand what you are asking of them, because they feel that they are showing you how much they love you already in every possible way they know how!

See, we think that there is only one way to show Love....  OUR way....  But that's a lie we've been telling ourselves for Centuries.

There are lots of ways to show someone you love them.

This part might piss you off a little, so read at your own risk (there is no lifeguard on duty here), AND THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE, maybe not the best example, it's the only thing that popped into my head!  Some people who are abusive by nature feel that their abusiveness is an act of love.  Maybe because they are abusing you less than they were abused (and so you are actually better off somehow?).  Maybe because they feel they are saving you from certain doom by abusing you (keeping you from running off with an abusive mate?).  Maybe because they are blind to what they are doing and don't know how to stop themselves.  And maybe it's because they don't love themselves at all and so the level of love that you are receiving from them resembles abuse to you because you think of loving acts completely differently than your abuser.

(disclaimer:  This is a "for instance" for all who have been abused in the past.  For all of you are being abused in this moment, you do need to seek help for yourself.  Please do not think I am saying that being abused is something you need to tolerate at all.  I'm just trying to give those who have been there, done that a chance to look at their situation a little bit differently.)

So, here's the truth of the matter.  You cannot possibly love someone else more than you love yourself.  AND, another person cannot love you any more than they love themselves....  It's an impossibility!

Isn't that fabulous!

Well, fabulous in the way that I think this is a huge AHA moment for every man, woman and child that has ever felt unloved, unappreciated and invisible in someone's life.  I know it has been a huge AHA moment for me!

So the next time you are wondering why someone doesn't love you the way you feel you "should" be loved.  Remember that it's not personal.  That other person is doing all that they know how to do in the "showing of the love" department.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Hello Pain Body....How are you feeling today?

I've been reading a book by Don Miguel Ruiz called "The Mastery of Love".

This is an amazing (and very easy to read)book about unconditional love, why we as humans strive to find it and why we will never find it outside of ourselves.

Ruiz explains beautifully, why it is that while we search for unconditional love we leave a trail of hurt and broken hearts behind us.  Why it is that it never occurs to us to stop for a minute and look within ourselves for that love we are searching for.

It has everything to do with the emotional pain that our bodies are carrying around.

The book takes you through a journey into yourself.  Helps you to take a deeper look at who you are and then gives you what you need to heal your emotional wounds for good!

For me, this book strikes a big cord because I have been completely aware over the past month that I have a huge emotional wound that I have been protecting for years.  I've also seen how I have wounded someone else for getting too close to that pain.

Ruiz calls all of this unconscious behaviour a mental illness.  We are all consumed by this mental illness, none of us is immune to it because it's the behaviour that we have been exposed to at a very young age.  It's been going on for thousands of years.  It's not new.  It's why wars are waged and innocent people die everyday in them.

We are constantly poking at eachother's pain bodies.  If you feel hurt by something I have said or done; the emotional pain that has been accumulating over the years convinces you that you need to defend yourself against something and you poke my emotional wounds back.  This goes on and on and on and on.  And we are totally unconscious to why we do this, we feel justified because we have been hurt so it is the "right" thing to do to fight back.

We are defined by our emotional pain.  It's been living within us for so long that we don't know who we are without it.  We have no idea what life would feel like or look like without our attachment to that pain. 

Personally, I think that by just becoming aware that this is why we do what we do to eachother, great improvements can be made.  Once we are aware of why we are reacting to and treating others the way we are we can consciously make a decision to turn it around. 

As I read this book and I viewed my own daily reactions to life I realized how simple it could be for me to change all my own behaviour, reactions and connection to the pain body.  To observe and not react to someone poking at my emotional wounds will take some practice and yes I'm positive I will fall down every once in a while.  Because let's face it, that's how I learn the best.

I'm also positive that with each fall I will rise up a little more aware of and intent on slaying this pain body beast of mine.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Don't believe everything your mind tells you...

When I was a young girl, I remember being able to stay up late to watch a movie, all the lights were off in the house and as I sat watching television something under a cabinet caught my eye and I stared at it from my position on the couch. The longer I looked at it, the more it looked like a glowing eye. The more I thought about it being a glowing eye, the more I convinced myself that there was a snake with a glowing eye under the cabinet. I was frozen in my spot. I wanted to run up to my room, I wanted to turn my attention back to the movie, yet I couldn’t. My mind was beginning to create a story about a snake in my house, that had a glowing eye, that if I moved out of my spot it would spring towards me and bite me. I was terrified.

In the morning I went back to the cabinet, got down on my hands and knees and discovered that the very thing that I was terrified of was in fact a piece of foil from a candy.

Not much has changed in my mind over the years.

Countless times on road trips my mind would turn uprooted tree trunks into bears or moose. Reflectors on the side of the road into glowing eyes in the night.

I spend lots of time unravelling the stories in my mind, desolving them into nothing more than an overactive imagination and the ego‘s need for attention.

The stories in our mind can paralyze us if we aren’t aware of what is happening.

Our minds are powerful tools of creation. We’ve all heard the term “what you think about you bring about”.

This statement is absolutely true.

Our minds can create stories of triumph or of tragedy, of courage or victimization.

How many times have we had a non sense thought about ourselves, an event or a relationship, allowed that thought to trigger a wound in our emotional body and then further allowed it to go about having a life of it’s own all the while we suffer through it.

The suffering can stop if you wish it to stop.

And all that needs to happen for the suffering to stop is to become aware that what you are reacting to isn’t the truth. It isn’t reality. What you are reacting to is a fabrication of the mind. A thought that has been allowed to run rampant. A fish tale if you will.

Invite yourself into your mind. Dismantle the story that is being played over and over again in your mind. Take a really good look at whether that story you are playing in your head is making you feel better or worse about yourself. Is it bringing you peace or pain? Is it assisting or hindering your forward movement in life?

When I question my thoughts and stories, they magically transform. They sometimes become nothing, they lose their “power” over me. And sometimes taking a closer look at these thoughts helps me to gain more awareness about my world, about how I process information and how I unnecessarily react to situations.

It’s absolutely marvellous!