Tea With The Queen

If I could have tea with anyone in the world who would I pick?

The Queen.

Not the Queen of England though.  The Queen of Me.

That part of myself that's been locked in a cage for decades.  The part of me I have denied and whom I now realize has all of the answers I need in order to feel complete.  If only I knew where I put the key to that damn cage!

This part of me knows how to be more sensual and eager for deeper intimate connections.  She knows what it feels like to be in love and let that love light up the world.  She knows how to sway as she walks gently and powerfully through life.  She knows.  She can help me.  We need to have tea and chat.

I've come to a phase in my life where I feel I've lost all sense of the woman that I was...am...should be.  I feel as though I have lost the essence of that womanhood.

And maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist.  Maybe it's a simple matter of looking in the mirror and loving all that is there in front of me.  On my best days I do and I can.  It still feels as something is missing.

It feels as though there is a hollow space inside of me that is waiting to be inhabited.

This isn't the first time I've felt this way.  Last time I didn't know what I was seeking.  This time I know for sure.  I know that I want to reclaim my womanhood (whatever that really means).  I want to dance barefoot amongst the fireflies and feel my skirt brush against my bare legs when I twirl.  I want to play with abandon and laugh.  I want to laugh and sing and make love like there is nothing else in the world left to do.

My husband is always telling me about the wonderful ways in which I am the perfect woman for him. 

I tease that I think he's blind and deaf.  It makes me cry.  In these moments I feel as though I'm alone on an island and no one is looking for me.  I feel as though I will starve to death in the waiting.

This morning I was sharing all of this with my husband.  I was crying and telling him that I think I am afraid of the part of me that holds this power.  What will happen when I unleash it?  What will life look like?  Will it be too much glorious life for me?  Am I worthy of it?

Only time will tell.  Though one thing is for sure.  I am looking forward to answering those questions.

Now where did I put that damned key?

The Art of Acceptance

I've spent most of my life looking for acceptance.

Spent most of my time being someone I couldn't maintain, to try and gain acceptance from others.

Only to find a dead end street.

So many have been here and might recognize this message.

We try and fail, beat ourselves up, convince ourselves that there is something wrong with us and that is why we are not being accepted into a circle of friends, a job, a love or a family.

And yet what we really need to be doing is taking a moment to notice that we are the ones that are denying acceptance.

To ourselves.

For me, I have begun to recognize that acceptance is right in line with forgiveness and self love.

Without acceptance of what is and who I am, how am I to be completely free of the fears and worries that plague us in this crazy world?

I'm learning to shrug my shoulders at my funny ways.  I'm learning to go easy on the girl that is me, trying so hard to get things right that she sometimes forgets that she needs to accept where she is at all times and be loving and forgiving to herself.

The more I accept of myself, the more I can see the miracles that surround us.  The miracles of the people in our lives, our health, our challenges, our blessings, our sad moments and our happy moments.

All dancing together in each of our lives to prove to us that we are more than worthy of our own acceptance.

My hope is that today you will spend some time accepting yourself for all that you are, that you will be gentle with yourself and that you will see the light that lives within you, that will shine more brightly when you accept it.

All I've Ever Wanted

 Last year at this time I had taken part in something called "An Idea Party". 

It was a workshop based on the law of attraction.  You know "what you think about you bring about!".  There was a lot of motivational information and we made lists of things we wanted in life, what our perfect day would look like if we had everything we could ever possibly want.

I had even won tickets to the Napoleon Hill Foundation's 100th Anniversary celebration in California.  I was convinced that if I surrounded myself with all the big names, that somehow some of their success and their secrets to a money filled life would rub off on me.


Although, this time in my life was exciting.  It was far from comfortable.  

While I was purging some old paperwork a couple weeks back I came across my notes for this workshop.  My list of things that I wanted in life was 2 pages long (I think the idea was to come up with at least 100 things).  There were things on that list that don't even make sense to me now.

In just one short year, my list of 100 material wants and desires has been shortened to:  Grace, Love and Connection.

I have realized that I don't need anything more than grace, love and connection to be fulfilled.  And that while I was out searching for more money so I could acquire some of the 100 things I thought I wanted, I was taking myself further from all I have ever needed or will ever want in life.

What's great about needing only love, grace and connection is that I don't have to work towards attaining it.  It is there for me to have, it has been all along.  All I have to do is allow it to surface and bathe in the flow of it all.

Sexploration

The mystery of where the womanly libido disappears after marriage and kids has always intrigued me.

It's something I have struggled with myself for many years, as well as knowing many friends and acquaintances that experienced the same thing.

Please do not read on if you are squeamish about this topic.

For years I tried all sorts of medical treatments to try and "cure" my "problem". I labeled it Female Sexual Dysfunction (yes there is such a thing..), it was something I was ashamed and embarrassed about. To have to admit that I was not in the least bit interested in sex made me feel out of place, different, lonely and like something was really wrong with me, a sexual misfit.

I believe many women (and men) live a life of quiet desperation, trying to figure out what is "wrong" with them. They have tried every cream, gel, toy and libido enhancing gadget out there to re-awaken the passion that lives within them. I spent a few months on a testosterone supplement which made me feel crazy and animal-like. Did it enhance my libido, yes. But at what cost to the health of my liver? And it felt completely unnatural for me to be feeling that way.

These are my thoughts.

Sex is sex. It does not guarantee love, commitment or intimacy. It quite often does little more than serve the purpose of releasing pent up energy.

During my child bearing days I enjoyed physical closeness. I very much enjoyed the process of creating another human life. Once my last son was born that enjoyment left me when it came to the physical act of sex.

I believe that once we have fulfilled our commitment to procreate it is natural for a woman to no longer feel connected to the physical act of sex. For one thing we are consumed with the daily caring for and nurturing of our new child(ren). That is our new role. Our old role of pro-creator is dissolved and we have moved on to our new role.

I was considering how over the last 20 years or so we have seen an increase in the need for males to use medication to enhance their own libido. This is not a coincidence, as I believe over the past 20 years we've become more spiritually evolved, that is we've become closer to living in our natural state. The closer we get to our natural state of being the less we require physical sex to connect. We can do it in other ways, exercise, yoga and meditation to name a few.

Our human brains and society tell us that something is wrong because our body isn't working properly or we no longer have a desire for sex. But what if, what we experience at that point is completely natural and is a cue from mother nature that new ways of closeness need to be explored, that we have "outgrown" the physical and it is time to move into the realm of the soul.

When we move closer into our natural state of being it becomes easier for us to connect on a soul level. Some would call this intellectual sex because it often occurs during intimate conversation and closeness. But what it is, is the moment that your soul connects with another. Ultimately this is the true "sex", this is true connection. There is nothing like it in this world. It is a feeling of total freedom, bliss and joy, completeness and fulfillment.

I believe that as a society we focus too much on the physical. Imagine if along with sex education we taught our children about the truth of love and connection through the heart and not through the genitals?

Many people connect sex with love and if they are not receiving one they do not feel the other.

This is a misconception.

Consider that ancient tantric "sex" techniques and knowledge resurfaced close to the time when Viagra commercials became popular. Coincidence? I think not! Tantric sex is the art of synchronizing breath between two people for the purpose of higher connection, it may lead to more physical contact but that is not the original intention.

The need for tantric sex techniques arise when we reach a space in our spiritual evolution where the physical act of sex is no longer necessary, fulfilling or available to us.

We've all experienced a moment when we've had a thought or vision regarding our spouse/partner who was in another place at the time and feelings of joy, gratitude and desire filled us. In that moment we are unable to fulfill that desire physically and so we deal with that moment intellectually, through the intellectual heart. Many times that fleeting moment will come back to us and make us smile. This is "intellectual" sex, connection at a soul level.

It is when we make this connection at the soul level and then turn it into something purely physical that we run into trouble. Disconnect occurs because we place the expectation of sex onto it. There is no place or need for physical sex when connecting at the level of the soul.

Am I saying you need to give up your physical needs for gratification. Absolutely not! What I am saying is that to be incapable of taking part in physical sex is quite possibly just as natural as being capable and does not leave room for blame, excuses or shame.

(Of course there may be medical reasons for this incapability and I urge you to seek medical attention before you just chalk it up to spiritual evolution).

I realize there are people out there that truly do love the physical act of sex. However, there are a great many more who do not and are struggling with their confidence and their relationships because of it.

I offer you these thoughts as a way for you to reconcile with the pure genius that is your body and soul. It knows what it needs. Instead of pushing towards a solution, try sitting with the truth for a moment and see where that leads you.

Expansion

Have you ever felt like you no longer belong where you are?

Ever felt like you no longer belonged in your family, your circle of friends, your hometown, your job, your intimate relationship?

This is me right now.  This is where I am at in my life experience.  I no longer "fit" in.  It really is hard to put into words the feeling of no longer belonging in a place where you always believed you would spend forever.

Over the past year connections have been lost with loved ones, friends, acquaintances.  The time we were sharing together was done and it was time to move on.  I continue to love all of these people on the truest of levels, we just don't belong together anymore.




I feel as though I have outgrown my home and my community.  To be honest I feel like I've outgrown my own skin some days.  Like I have grown into something more, something bigger.  Like my big dreams no longer fit in the little body of the person I was and so I have expanded.

Expansion can be difficult though.  It can bring about what may feel like mind, body, spirit imbalance.  Loss of focus, lack of energy, sadness, intolerance, headaches, backaches, loss of clarity, fear, sense of loss of purpose.  But it's not imbalance at all, it is merely your spiritual and physical self re-aligning to the new space you will soon occupy.

I kind of see it as trying to put on jeans that you just took out of the dryer.  It's a process; first you lie down, then you shimmy and slide yourself this way and that trying to wriggle those too tight jeans up past your thighs, every once in a while stopping to take in some air, the triumph comes though when you finally get them up to your waist, find yourself a pair of pliers and do those suckers up!  Ahhhh, the relief.  Uh-oh but now comes the chore of actually standing up and walking in those pants!

As much as this process is frustrating and exhausting, you still very much want to wear those pants!

The same is true for spiritual expansion or the outgrowing of your current surroundings.  Sometimes the desperation for new space is so great you would do anything to make it happen.


Staying in a place where you no longer belong can do great harm.  You may know someone who has denied themselves the privilege of moving on in their life experience and so they endure struggle after struggle, illness, dis-ease and sometimes death.

Denying yourself the change that is necessary to grow and evolve is a mistake that many of us make, because we don't want to disappoint someone by moving, leaving the relationship or changing jobs.  We don't want to let anyone down, and so we have no problem letting ourselves down.

If your need for change is so great that it fills your entire being with joy and excitement, then you really have no other choice!  You must do it!  You must step up, take the reigns of your own life and ride off into the sunset without regret and without looking back.