Finding Jenn

Last year around this time I was on a quest to find my true essence.  My inner goddess.

To dress on the outside the way I feel on the inside.  To speak my truth in my true voice.  To march to the beat of my own drum...so to speak.

Somehow I got side tracked.

Motherhood will do that to you when your personal goal isn't as important to you as your children's well-being and happiness.

In fact, until today I hadn't really realized how far back I had left myself.  How low my self-worth was.

On January 1 I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever it took to get back on my quest to find the real Jenn.

Today was the first step in doing that.

I hired my good friend and amazing 'Thrift Style Expert' Denise Rivait to come by and work her magic in my closet.

Denise is one of those women who has a natural sense of personal style.  Everything I see her in is something that looks fabulous and she totally rocks it!

So it was an easy decision to make to have her come in and give me a hand in finding my true self.

I was not expecting to have my entire closet wiped out! 

Okay, I did expect that.  I knew it was coming, nothing I wear feels like me, it feels drab.  As a 'stay-at-home-mom-preneur' I rarely spend good money on clothes, I wear what I have and make due until I can't stand it anymore, then I go shopping and buy whatever's in my path, just to bring it home and rarely wear it.

Seeing all of my clothes in the 'give away' pile was a sobering sight. 

If all that I've purchased in the past is not right, how in the world am I going to make sure I bring in clothes to wear that are going to scream 'this is Jenn!' now?

I sat down and I cried.

Not a bad cry, but a good cry.  A cry of realization that the adventure I was about to embark on was going to be one that would truly make me stand out.  I was finally going to own and wear things that aligned with my essence.

I'd have to say the greatest part about today's experience was the shopping.  Denise did a fabulous job of handing me item after item, stretching my imagination, ignoring my comfort zone and keeping me from the grey sweaters and comfy yoga pants...

We found some great deals, I walked through the mall with the biggest smile on my face and my heart filled with excitement for what this experience means for my future.

I am looking forward to tomorrow morning.  I am excited about getting dressed and slipping on my new knee high boots and funky jacket instead of throwing on the jogging pants and sweatshirt.

Stay tuned...there's definitely more to come on this topic :)

What have I got to lose?

I've been asking myself this question alot lately.

When it comes to stepping out of my comfort zone and putting myself even further out into the world as a healer I find it's easier to step out as a small, insignificant Jenn.  Not at all the Jenn I am, and not at all the Jenn I wish to be in this world.

Last week I met a woman I'd only spoken to online.  She was so excited to finally meet me and I believe her exact words were "I can't believe I'm actually meeting you!"

Really?

But I'm just me.  What's so great about that?

I think we can all relate to this inner conundrum.  With the advancement of technology it's easier and easier for us to become who we want people to see us as, but it doesn't take away the fact that we are still human beings, struggling with our own shit and trying to feel confident about ourselves; completely and honestly confident.

I was flattered (of course who wouldn't be) by this woman's sentiment.  She was so sweet!

And it prompted some deep questionning for me.  Why do I not wake up everyday that excited to see myself?  If someone else thinks I'm worthy of that adoration then why don't I?  What have I got to lose by seeing myself as this spectacular, inspiring person instead of as the small, shy, insignificant girl?

The answer is......NOTHING!

None of us has anything to lose when it comes to stepping into the shoes that God sent us here to wear. 

You know those shoes that are sitting in the box on a shelf in the back of your closet collecting dust. 

Why don't we wear them?  Why don't we willingly put those shoes on everyday and wear them proudly?

When I search my heart for an answer to those questions I find that the truth is I'm scared of someone not liking my shoes.  That's ridiculous, right?  And if I dig even deeper I see that it's me that I'm scared of.  What if I LIKE who I am in those shoes?  What if I totally ROCK those shoes (btw, I see my shoes as those ruby red ones from the Wizard of Oz, totally blinged out and hard to ignore)!

What if, what if, what if.

If I continue this way I may just 'what if' myself to death!

Anyway, the point is I think in honour of a new year fast approaching, we dig out those shoes, dust them off, shine them up and put them on!  Wear who you are proudly because the world needs you to and more importantly because YOU need YOU to!

I can't wait to see what your shoes look like!

Hair Razing......

This won't come as a big shock to anyone who knows me well...

I shaved my head today...

Well, the guy thought it would be best to not shave the whole thing and try to get somewhat of a style out of it (chicken) and so I have sort of a mohawk thing going on...

But still.... It feels Fucking Fantastic!  Liberating!  Empowering!  Kick Ass Awesome!

I've been feeling the need to shave my head for about a month now, the urge just kept getting stronger and stronger until today when the urge had me hunting down cheap hair salons just to get the job done!

All the way home from my morning appointment I found myself wanting to turn into each salon that I passed until I finally settled on one close to home.

The hair thing is symbolic of the transformation I've been going through. 

I have outgrown the person I used to be.  Worried about hair color and style.  Always looking for something new to make me feel better about myself.

I can honestly say I feel free!  Free of obligation to do something with that regrowth that won't go away without a little chemical dependency! 

Free of obligation to style and fuss over the top of my head to the point where I am too exhausted to worry about the rest of my appearance! 

Free of worry whether or not the rain and wind will ruin my hard work once I have completed!

Freedom; plain and simple.

Did you think I wasn't going to show you?

A little side view shot for you...

You are That!

I love love love having coffee chats with my friends.

I think of them as creative coffee chats because an idea always presents itself or a previous thought blossoms into reality in the blink of an eye.

There's something about these times that lights a fire under me and gets me moving in a great direction!

Today was no different, as I sipped my peppermint tea and listened to my friend speak about how pleasantly surprised she is to be surrounded by so many amazing people these days, it warmed me up (the words, not the tea).

In a world where we strive to become something bigger and better, we rarely stop and take a look at what we already have surrounding us.

This includes the wonderful people we call friends, acquaintances and colleagues.

Her sentiment resonated within me and I shared with her that the mere fact that she is surrounded by amazing, beautiful, talented and powerful people is because she is that!  She is amazing, beautiful, talented and powerful herself.  Why shouldn't she be surrounded by the same?

We often miss this big piece of the self love puzzle.

The easiest and quickest way for us to recognize our self worth is to look around us. 

Look around at all of the beauty in the people that call you friend.  You are that beauty.

Look around at all of the wisdom.  You are that wisdom.

Look around at all that love, happiness, creativity.  You are that!

So next time you are down and out, feeling alone or lonely, feeling unloved or unworthy, just look around at all of the people that love you and adore you and think you are the cat's ass!

Because you are that!

Loving these moments...

My oldest son has been struggling with his relationship with his girlfriend lately.

He told me they never seem happy anymore and that they always seem to be miserable around eachother.  Gone are the days of having great conversation and cuddling time.

They just celebrated their one year anniversary and I know in his heart he wants this relationship to last forever.  He really really loves this girl with his whole heart.

That's just the kind of guy he is.  The kind that would do anything for you, love you to pieces and fall apart every time something goes wrong.  He's also the kind of guy that will beat himself up for not being happy or being able to make someone else happy.

So yesterday the day began with a little pep talk in the kitchen over a nice long hug.  He was distraught thinking this girl was going to give up on him and wasn't sure how he was going to get through the pain of that loss.

The mother in me doesn't want to see him hurting.  The realist in me wants him to learn now (instead of later) that all of the happiness in the world depends on whether or not he wants to feel it and accept it as his to have and experience.  Not on someone else's acceptance or rejection of him.

So we talked about the choices he could make, the choices he is currently faced with and which choice will potentially take him down which path.  We talked about how every relationship is a chance to learn something about our capacity to love and accept others and more importantly our capacity to love and accept ourselves.

And as I'm sure it is with every mother of teenage children, I never know if my words are heard or if I'm simply putting a band aid on the situation to get him through another day.

He confirmed for me last night that my words were in fact heard.  And not only that, they were felt as well.

He welcomed me after school with a big hug and a thank you.

When I questioned the "Thank you" part (since I hadn't made him his favourite meal...yet!) he said "you helped me so much this morning.  You know when you hear something that your ready to hear and it just clicks?  Well, when you told me about my choices I thought about it all the way to school and something inside of me just clicked.  I get it, I get that I am in charge of my feelings, not someone else, and I can be happy even when things aren't going the way I want them to go because it feels better than not sleeping and not feeling good".

I couldn't stop hugging that boy.  I didn't want to let him go, I don't want to let him go and grow up.

He is though without even thinking he is turning into a very very wise young man.

Something my heart always knew would happen.

What room are you living in?

This quote is speaking to me today.

"There is an Indian Belief that everyone is in a house of four rooms: A physical, a mental, an emotional and a spiritual. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room everyday, even if only to keep it aired, we are not complete."    -- Rumer Godden

Lately I've been paying more attention to which "room" I am living in and have realized that I am sometimes afraid to leave that room and venture into another.

The emotional room seems to have been one that I visit less frequently and it all depends on the emotions that are waiting for me there.
 
I find lately it's becoming easier and easier to show my happy emotions and harder and harder to show my not so happy emotions.
 
Anyone who knows me well knows that I can't hide my emotions.  I wear them on my face and carry them in my body.  Expressing them verbally is another issue altogether. 
 
Every once in a while I wake up in a mood that is quite edgy, sometimes sarcastic and always witty.  And if I'm being honest here, it is a really fun mood to be in.  Personally, it's the mood I feel most creative in, it's the mood where I get more accomplished and appreciate myself more. 
 
And yet, there is a small piece of me that says "you can't show this to other people, this is not who you want them to see.  This personality is not cute, calm and inviting.  Stay home and don't talk to anyone while you are like this". 
 
That's the voice of the person inside of me that isn't comfortable with her authentic power. 
 
Authentic power is when you are living in all 4 of those rooms and you are comfortable with each of them.  Authentic power is never hiding who you are whether you think it's good or bad, it's important to show the world your many wonderful facets of being human.
 
If only to inspire someone else to do the same.
 
It's a myth that "spiritually conscious" people never experience anger, resentment, jealousy, shame and have to be loving and kind every moment of every day (Mother Teresa was an extremely special woman, we weren't all cut out to be just like her).  Each of us is here to experience all of life, every emotion, every challenge for the sake of our own personal growth.

The point of the spiritual journey is to walk through all of our experiences and learn from them, and that means feeling the emotions that come up throughout the experience. 

We rarely learn a lesson of great importance while walking on cloud 9 with a smile on our face and a spring in our step!

So, this quote is a reminder to me to visit my emotional room every day, check in, take a look around and see what needs to be addressed without judgement, without fear.

The Art of Acceptance

I've spent most of my life looking for acceptance.

Spent most of my time being someone I couldn't maintain, to try and gain acceptance from others.

Only to find a dead end street.

So many have been here and might recognize this message.

We try and fail, beat ourselves up, convince ourselves that there is something wrong with us and that is why we are not being accepted into a circle of friends, a job, a love or a family.

And yet what we really need to be doing is taking a moment to notice that we are the ones that are denying acceptance.

To ourselves.

For me, I have begun to recognize that acceptance is right in line with forgiveness and self love.

Without acceptance of what is and who I am, how am I to be completely free of the fears and worries that plague us in this crazy world?

I'm learning to shrug my shoulders at my funny ways.  I'm learning to go easy on the girl that is me, trying so hard to get things right that she sometimes forgets that she needs to accept where she is at all times and be loving and forgiving to herself.

The more I accept of myself, the more I can see the miracles that surround us.  The miracles of the people in our lives, our health, our challenges, our blessings, our sad moments and our happy moments.

All dancing together in each of our lives to prove to us that we are more than worthy of our own acceptance.

My hope is that today you will spend some time accepting yourself for all that you are, that you will be gentle with yourself and that you will see the light that lives within you, that will shine more brightly when you accept it.

More Love Please

I've totally been lying to myself all these years by telling myself that nobody loves me.

Of course everybody loves me.  They just all have different ways of showing it :)

Okay.  For real though.

How many times have you begged your significant other, friend or family member for more love?  More attention?  More affection?  More kindness?  Blah, blah, blah.  And they just don't understand what you are asking from them!

Here's a secret...

They don't understand what you are asking of them, because they feel that they are showing you how much they love you already in every possible way they know how!

See, we think that there is only one way to show Love....  OUR way....  But that's a lie we've been telling ourselves for Centuries.

There are lots of ways to show someone you love them.

This part might piss you off a little, so read at your own risk (there is no lifeguard on duty here), AND THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE, maybe not the best example, it's the only thing that popped into my head!  Some people who are abusive by nature feel that their abusiveness is an act of love.  Maybe because they are abusing you less than they were abused (and so you are actually better off somehow?).  Maybe because they feel they are saving you from certain doom by abusing you (keeping you from running off with an abusive mate?).  Maybe because they are blind to what they are doing and don't know how to stop themselves.  And maybe it's because they don't love themselves at all and so the level of love that you are receiving from them resembles abuse to you because you think of loving acts completely differently than your abuser.

(disclaimer:  This is a "for instance" for all who have been abused in the past.  For all of you are being abused in this moment, you do need to seek help for yourself.  Please do not think I am saying that being abused is something you need to tolerate at all.  I'm just trying to give those who have been there, done that a chance to look at their situation a little bit differently.)

So, here's the truth of the matter.  You cannot possibly love someone else more than you love yourself.  AND, another person cannot love you any more than they love themselves....  It's an impossibility!

Isn't that fabulous!

Well, fabulous in the way that I think this is a huge AHA moment for every man, woman and child that has ever felt unloved, unappreciated and invisible in someone's life.  I know it has been a huge AHA moment for me!


So the next time you are wondering why someone doesn't love you the way you feel you "should" be loved.  Remember that it's not personal.  That other person is doing all that they know how to do in the "showing of the love" department.

What I Love About Me!

There are are so many days when I dwell on all of the things that I don't appreciate about myself, that I thought today I would post about the things I really and truly do love about myself (today....).

1) I love that I don't look old enough to have teenagers (well at least that's what people tell me anyway)
2) I love that I hate to cook and love to clean
3) I love that I am always willing to learn something new, even if I choose the hardest method in which to learn it
4) I love that I am an awesome Mom and I can truly say that I have done the best I can for my boys
5) I love that I am still married to the man I fell in love with when I was 10 years old.
6) I love that I love to garden
7) I love that I have tiny feet, cause the cute shoes always fit
8) I love that I know who I am, where my strengths and weaknesses lie
9) I love that I am sometimes crazy
10) I love that I have earned the trust of my friends
11) I love my hair! I have great hair!
12) I love that I can get away without wearing makeup (well I think I can anyway)
13) I love that I finally unearthed my creative potential and indulge in that every so often
14) I love that I'm not afraid to fly in an airplane or with my own wings
15) I love that I am a chocoholic
16) I love that when I am passionate I tend to behave like a raving lunatic
17) I love that it takes me forever to get used to the water temperature in the pool just to get out in 5 minutes 'cause I have to pee
18) I love that I am big busted, since it balances out my big butt...
19) I love that I smile alot and have alot to laugh about
20) I love that when my boys need something, they come to me first
21) I love that I dance, no matter who is watching me (and I don't need to be drunk)
22) I love that everytime I shave my legs I miss the same damn spot!
23) I love that I am a people person
24) I love that I know what I want in life
25) I love that my van is blue and my license plate says SMURF, cause it makes life fun
26) I love that I took the risk and moved to a new town
27) I love that I was born on Oct 10, because it means that this year my birthday is 10/10/10, how cool is THAT!
28) I love that my name is Jennifer and not Edna (not that Edna isn't a great name)
29) I love that I am patient
30) I love that I can't sing with a darn but still do anyway
31) I love that I am quirky and imperfect
32) I love it when I make my husband laugh with said quirkiness and imperfection
33) I love that I am independant
34) I love that I don't have a favourite color
35) I love that I don't have a lucky number
36) I love that I am not superstitious
37) I love that I am not in control anymore :) HAHAHA
38) I love that I love to eat
39) I love that I enjoy being alone
40) I love that I enjoy being with my family

We don't give ourselves enough love. We need to be loving each and every cell of our bodies, every thought that has created who we are.

This was a great experiment to see how much I could come up with, it seems like a struggle at first but then it snowballs and you just keep thinking up new things that you love about yourself.

It's all good. You are all good. Each and every bit of you is as beautiful as the sunrise!

Take some time to acknowledge that beauty. Heck, blog about it. I just did!

Spring Awakening

Can you feel it?

The feeling of renewal, rebirth, revival?

This is spring! And it's popping up everywhere these days.

Spring; the time when we open the windows of our homes to bring in the fresh air and let out the stale, dusty stuff we've been breathing in all winter long.

But it is more than just a time to do a thorough house cleaning, it's also a great time to act on those feelings of needing something new in our lives to honor the personal growth and progress we have made over the last few months and align ourselves to it.

When spring begins to peek it's head, I get all excited and giddy. My smile grows wider than it usually is. I get a surge in energy and an almost desperate like feeling of needing to jump into life, learn something new, put on my cloak of courage and take a leap of faith.

The birds begin to gather items to build their nests. What are you building?

They are chanting their love songs. What type of song are you singing?

Insects are coming alive, taking flight. Where are your wings?

Flower bulbs and spring sprouts are pushing up and freeing themselves from their hibernation. What do you need to let go of to free yourself?

Mother Earth is awakening. It's a good time for us to do the same.

Just the way I am

Something interesting happened to me yesterday.  I fell in love with myself!

This may sound kind of funny.  To some people it may sound selfish or arrogant.  But it's true and it feels really good feeling this way.

It probably wouldn't be such a big deal to finally fall in love with ME if it wasn't for the fact that my entire life I haven't really been comfortable with who I am, sure sometimes there were glimmers of "like" thrown in, but nothing like this.  I have always struggled with feeling unworthy of others love and affection. 

There are times in my life when I feel absolutely "in my zone".  Reiki is that time for me.  Also, when I'm experiencing or learning something new.  It's during these times that I feel completely on task and on purpose. 

But there have been many other times when I feel lonely, isolated, unworthy, unloved and invisible to the world.  Am I destined to just muddle through life?  Or is there another reason why I am the way I am?



Why do I feel uncomfortable working in a mainstream job?  Why do I behave the way I do around certain people?  Why do I network the way I do?  Why do I procrastinate to the point that it debilitates my business?  Why do I always feel like I need to prove myself to everyone?  Why do I seem to always travel the bumpiest paths?  Why do I feel unworthy of financial abundance?  Why am I comfortable living the life of a hermit?  Why do I feel guilty when I indulge in something that makes me feel good?  Why is it when I stop going to the gym and taking care of my body my life seems to stop moving? Why is it that I can't be happy just settling with one thing in life, why do I constantly seek something to learn and experience?  The list of why's goes on and on.

These questions and more were all answered for me yesterday when I took part in a hand analysis session with Rosemary Heenan of Heart Power Coaching.

Our hands contain each and every aspect about ourselves.  They are like our own personal road maps.  Each detail intricately woven into our fingers and palms.  Some things I learned we have the power to change, certain lines on our hands can change if we make enough changes to our lives.  For instance I have what's called a grid on my left hand that indicates starts and stops with regards to business/career and that makes sense because of my procrastination issues, but I wasn't born with that grid, I created it myself and I can remove it from my hand print if I choose to do so.

As I had my hand & finger prints analyzed and explained to me I quickly realized that my entire life has been exactly the way it has had to be.  Each characteristic of myself is who I really am.  I have spent years apologizing to people for being me.  Not that they needed an apology but I always felt like I wasn't good enough, that my strengths were my weaknesses.  Now I see that my strengths are my gifts and that there is nothing weak about me!

I also see that the lessons that were mapped out on my hand have been lovingly played out for the 37 years of my life.  Each person and experience has been placed in my life to shine a light on my purpose and my lessons to be learned.

Fascinating doesn't begin to describe this process.

I felt a great burden lift off of me yesterday.  There are so many things that I have been denying myself out of guilt, fear and lack of money all these years.  These are the very things though that my soul needs in order to fully evolve and be healthy!  Take for instance the fact that I have decided not to attend the gym for the past 4 weeks now because of lack of money for gas.  Our financial situation hasn't changed, I just decided this was a good move to "save" us some money (I seem to always worry about money), since I didn't need to go to the gym anyway.  I can see clearly that my life changed when I made that decision, and with each thought of putting the membership on hold to save even more money things seemed to get worse.  What I found out through my hand analysis is that self love is right at the top of my list when it comes to what my soul needs in order to survive.  Going to the gym translates into love of self and therefore opens me up to receiving abundance from the Universe because I am loving myself.  I can feel that this is my soul's truth, the information resonated within me and filled me up with the wisdom that when I make this slight change and honor my bodies needs I will once again be on track.

I feel as though I've been given permission to love myself!  To accept who I am on every level and be that person that I've been denying all these years.  The freedom of this knowledge is life giving!

We all know what our purpose is, it can be seen in our every day tasks that we love, it can be heard in small whispers if we are listening and everything Rosemary told me I already knew and had already been addressing in my life but the confirmation of the whole story is what made this experience something I will never forget.

And there was something else about this experience.  Making a print of my hand and then looking at it in black and white was awe inspiring!  We don't see the details in our hands when we look with our eyes, but when you see it in black and white the image that is in front of you is a work of art!  Our hand prints are a true divine work of art!  And if our hand prints are a divine work of art and hold all the information about who we are.....then doesn't that make US a divine work of art also?