Grateful For The Hateful

Gratitude.  It's a powerful force.

I found myself in front of the washing machine again last night, marvelling that all I have to do is put dirty clothes into a machine, press a button and VOILA! clean clothes.

Then I turned around and looked at the five piles of laundry that still needed to be done.

One part of me was very grateful for the ability to wash clothing so easily, that I had access to hydro and clean running water to make it all happen.  Another part of me was frustrated that I still had five piles left to do (knowing full well that it would easily be six piles come morning - how does laundry multiply so fast?).

This morning I woke up and ran through my daily 'things to be grateful for' list, then made my way upstairs for the dreaded 'wake Benjamin up for school' task.

Again one part of me could see all the things to be grateful for (a good nights sleep, a warm bed, my health, etc.) but when it came to waking up my son that gratitude went right out the window.

Do you see a pattern here?

Does this pattern seem familiar to you?

I didn't realize this was happening.  In fact, I thought I was doing a pretty good job in the gratitude department.  Making my neat little lists, taking time during my walks to look around and find things to be grateful for.  Focusing on gratitude before I fell asleep at night.  These moments of gratitude were filling me with a sense of peace and purpose.  Being grateful works!

But what about when the shit hits the fan?  Where is my gratefulness then?  That's where my challenge lies.

Gratitude moves you forward, my experience has been that any amount of feeling grateful is a very good thing for making positive change in your life.

I wonder though what kind of powerful force gratitude would be if I applied it to all those other times in life when things aren't running so smooth.  You know like your car breaking down (aka paying that hefty mechanic bill), physical pain or an unruly child.  These are the moments when gratitude is needed the most and when we don't acknowledge that, it slows the forward motion down, sometimes causing it to come to a screeching halt!

Gratitude 'should' be something we automatically feel, no matter what is happening around us.  I think though that we've become so busy with doing things and buying things and keeping up with things that it's not as natural as it was; once upon a time. 

So I would categorize being grateful as something you have to do on purpose.  It's something you have to be thinking about on purpose until it becomes a natural part of your personality (PS, it really is part of your personality but it's been hiding, practicing gratitude brings it back out into the open again).  Especially when you are being grateful for the hateful things in life, and there are sometimes a long list of hateful things. 

So....I am grateful that there are ONLY five loads of laundry left to do :)  And I am grateful that my son is healthy and strong enough to fight me off when I am trying to pull him out of bed :)

There, that's better.

The God Blog....

Trust me, I never would have thought I'd be posting blogs about my relationship with God and Jesus.  But here I am doing just that!

I didn't grow up in a religious family.  I've never read the bible.  As a child I never understood how you could see someone being so loving and graceful in church and then hear them speaking miserably about someone outside of it.

I also believed for most of my life that a relationship with God was impossible for me, because I wasn't doing any of the prescribed activities that would nurture such a relationship.  Sure I am a good person, but I don't give money to a church and I don't dress up on Sundays to sing God's praises.

One thing I did do was pray...  And as the years went on, my prayers grew from asking for things I needed or wanted, to words of thanks and gratitude for all that I had.  And those prayers of gratitude have grown into moments during my day where I recognize a God given gift and celebrate with a happy dance (it's like an explosion of joy and it makes me want to boogy woogy woogy).

And as I developed this inner gratitude, a relationship with my divine father developed as well. 

I want to say it was almost like magic. 

One day, everything just seemed to make sense to me.  I seemed to have a greater sense that yes I am here living this life, but that there was also a greater force driving me towards my dreams and a more peaceful way of living.

To be honest, I think the magic came when I made a decision to stop trying to control every aspect of my life and instead just live and be grateful for that living.

And yes, somedays my life looks like sadness or chaos and somedays it looks like perfection and bliss.

Though whatever it looks like I know that I love feeling like there is someone more wise overseeing the day to day bologne so that I don't have to.  It frees me up to enjoy what is happening in the moment because I no longer have to worry about how I am going to make it all work.

I heard once that God doesn't care what you call Him.  Just that you do!

And today, I believe that with my whole heart :)

My Miracle

Checking my emails this morning, I came across an article entitled "Discover a Momentary Miracle".

The timing of this article was absolutely perfect (of course!) as I had just come in the house after walking home from Yoga class.  I decided this morning that I would walk to the nearest coffee shop, grab myself a Chai tea and head to the lake to sit and enjoy the sunshine and the singing birds.  I didn't stay long, I didn't have to; I was filled up with appreciation for my life in that small moment of giving myself permission to just be for a while.

As I felt this appreciation, I was reminded of a time when I didn't feel joyful about my life.  A time when I felt burdened by motherhood and the list of self afflicted "shoulds".  My inner struggle sounded alot like "do I stay home to raise my kids or do I go out to work?"  I felt like my true calling was to be home with my children and nurture them and at the same time I felt guilty for not going out to work and earn extra money so that we could enjoy a little more freedom.  This struggle lead to a host of health problems, IBS, depression and anxiety.

Being reminded of this past situation I felt even more appreciative of my life.  I realized how far I have come personally and how much I value each and every moment of my life as a stay at home mom and entrepreneur!

My momentary miracle today is that I understand what it means to really live, Jenn style!  No more living for someone else, or by someone else's expectations of me.  No more inner struggles of "should I or shouldn't I".  No more questionning the direction of my heart.  No more apologizing for who I am.

Even if you are living your darkest moments, I believe you can find a momentary miracle.  Because; like the article states: "Today holds the chance to build new dreams, achieve new successes, and show new kindnesses."

What is your momentary miracle?

Garden of Gratitude

Years ago when I was into watching "Grey's Anatomy" and "Desperate Housewives", I remember getting this really great feeling inside of my stomach when I realized it was Sunday and my favourite shows would be on.

I didn't know where this feeling was coming from, I just know it made me feel alive, excited.  It was a feeling of joyful anticipation.

It wasn't just the television shows (I'm not quite THAT shallow!).  It was the time I would be spending with my husband that made me feel so great.  We both loved our Sunday night shows and so Sundays became the night we would get the kids to bed on time, then snuggle on the couch with 2 cups of tea and a blanket and enjoy our shows together.

I loved that Sunday night feeling.  It meant that I was capable of feeling deep gratitude for what I had in my life.

Now, I get that feeling a lot more often. 

I get it when I drop the kids skates off to be sharpened and when I get a good deal at the grocery store.  I got it when I bought my new winter jacket last week and enroute to a coffee date with a friend.  I get it when I am snuggled in bed for the last 1/2 hour of rest before my day really begins.  And I felt it just now when I looked out the window at the snow that is covering my backyard.

It's like all those Sunday night feelings were seeds that were planted once a week and now I am experiencing a garden of gratitude everywhere I turn.

There is certainly alot to be grateful for.  I am healthy.  I am in a loving marriage.  My kids are healthy and smart.  I have a beautiful, warm home and I am surrounded by loving friends and family (to name just a few!)

Some days it can slip our minds to be grateful, we live in a society of abundance and so we tend to overlook the little things. 

I believe that if you spend even the smallest amount of time each day feeling grateful, that feeling will grow into natural gratitude that will sneak in (or pour in) to your life in the moments where you least expect it..... 

Today's gift....

I woke up to the phone ringing this morning.

It was my "mum in law" letting me know that my grandma was in the hospital with pneumonia.  And wanted to ask me if I could help out keeping her company, that my "cousin in law" was in all night with her and if I could, would I go and spend some time and see if I could help. 

Of course I could!

I blogged about grandma not long ago.  About it being her 92nd birthday and how cute it was that she didn't remember what day it was even though we just were talking about it being her birthday.

She's special to me.

Anyway.

I stopped in to sit with her a while, had a great visit with my "cousin in law" and helped gram out a bit with getting some water and eating some soup. 

I watched her hold my sons hand as if it was a life preserver. 

I watched her curled in a ball in her bed, softly snoring and sleeping like a baby.

None of this may seem grandiose to anyone but me.  However, tonight as I sit here thinking about this day, I am filled with nothing but gratitude for this family that I have married into.  That I have been asked to and am able to be a part of caring for such an important person in their lives.  That I am included in the time they have with her.  And that she calls me her granddaughter.

What a gift.

The Greatest Gifts of All!

I have had the most blessed year. 

I've met some extraordinary new friends and reconnected with old ones, I've moved into a home I love in a town I love even more.  My marriage and my relationship with my sons are full of tremendous joy.  My business is thriving and I'm makig more connections in my community than I ever thought possible.  And I've had the pleasure of learning how to love myself more for all that I am and all that I have to offer my community, friends and family.

Yep, it's been an amazing year!

Having a chat with a friend today helped me to connect a little more deeply with all the things that I am grateful for.

I remember starting off this year feeling vulnerable, lost and alone.  I'm ending the year feeling inspired, loved and supported.

This comes from all of those new friends in my life.  The ones who taught me how to "breathe in compliments".  The ones that helped me recognize that sometimes getting a negative response to something meant I had impacted or affected a change in the person offering that response. 

They have helped me to realize my special hidden talents, supported me in my journey to finding my light and inner love.  They have laughed with me and cried with me.  Held the mirror up for me so I could see where it was I needed to make a change in my life.

Inspired me with their passion for change.  Motivated me with their kind words of encouragement.

Linked arms and walked side by side with me.  Grasped my hand and pulled me up when I was down.  Showed me there was way more to life than a busy calendar and lots of money.  Offered me their wisdom and love without asking for anything in return.

To all of you...  Thank you...  For the greatest gifts you could ever have given me...

 I love you all with all of my heart.

That was then... This is now!

one of the many roads it takes to get into the cottage 

Imagine. 

A quiet, cozy cottage nestled deep in the forests of Northern Ontario, overlooking a serene lake where the only noise you can hear is the dropping of the leaves from the trees.  Smoke rising from the chimney throughout the day.  Warm tea, a snuggly blanket and a good book.

This is where I spent my time these last 7 days.



We finally decided this was the year we would do something we've been wanting to do for some time now, spend Thanksgiving weekend at the cottage.

the view from the canoe

The weather was absolutely perfect.  The boys caught tons of fish each night they went out and had a ton of fun hunting down unsuspecting wood grouse (only to either not get a shot in or miss them completely when they did get one).  They get their desire to hunt, as well as their complete lack of aiming skills from their father.  {smile}  I managed to digest 5 books in the 7 days I lounged under my cozy blanket, complete bliss in my world.

I remember a time when I didn't enjoy this space as much as I do now.

Actually, for much of 13 years I suffered severe anxiety about being in the fabulous North.  Weird...  But not really....

My anxiety had to do with a combination of things.  Mainly I didn't like being alone.  Let me correct that, because I wasn't "alone", I didn't like being with MYSELF.  There were many times that my husband would be off doing a chore or indulging in a bit of fishing and I would be left at the cottage by myself and I would literally panic.  It began to be a problem when I would anticipate being alone and my anxiety would grow before we even left our driveway at home!

I realized this week as I journalled about my feelings now versus my feelings then and I realized some of my anxiety was also about me wanting things to be different than they were.  The anxiety and panic were my way (subconsciously) of trying to change my situation through forcing it to change.

That didn't work out as well as I had "subconsciously" planned.

The panic got worse, spilled over into every day life and had me thinking I would need to be medicated in order to function as a "normal" person, especially if I was to go on vacation.

a yummy treat

3 years ago we ventured into the North for our family vacation and I spent an entire week without one panic attack.

I do remember how wonderful it felt to be able to enjoy such serenity and time with  my family without having to constantly cry or throw up!

I wish I knew what I did differently.  In reflection I don't think it's anything that can be written down or handed out as advice.  I think I just grew into a space of no longer needing to control life.  I know for certain in the past 3 years I finally started to love myself and I gave my permission to just be, whatever that looked like in the moment I promised myself I would be okay with it and stop judging myself for it.

It seemed the minute I came to those conclusions within myself the anxiety/panic was deflated.  It no longer held any power over me.

So this trip (as with each trip over the past 3 years) I was filled with an overflowing sense of gratitude.  Not only because am well enough to enjoy it all, also because I appreciate how wonderful it is to have what we have.

Life is good.

Moving on....

Today is the day we get the keys to our new home.

These are exciting times for my family. We've never moved before, we've been surrounded by the same people, places and things for 20+ years.

I have asked myself this question "Why are you moving?"

I've also fielded this question from many curious friends, family and acquaintances.

The only answer I can come up with is "It's time".

It really is time to move on. I moved here with my hubby when I was 18. I was so young, so naive and had so much to learn about life and love.

Over the past 20 years my hubby and I have turned this home into exactly what we saw in it the day we bought it. We worked hard side by side to renovate and update each and every part of it with our own hands.

This house is a part of who we were, who we are now and who we are going to be tomorrow because of all the time we spent together working on it. Those times weren't always happy, however it is exactly those times that taught me about forgiveness, unconditional love and acceptance.

So now, sitting here as the person I am today. I no longer need what this house has given me in the past. It is time to step into a new space and reality, it is time to take what this home has taught me and apply it to a new life. And I am grateful for the opportunity.

Last night as I laid in bed, I gave silent thanks to this home for welcoming us as a young couple, for allowing us to transform her with our love and for nurturing us and our children as our family grew and grew and grew.

Now it is time to move on.