Sunday, July 21, 2013

Fly Away

If I had to choose between fight, flight and freeze; I would have to say I'm definitely a flight risk.

When the going gets tough or I'm feeling discouraged, alone and afraid; I fly.

This is how I was feeling last night.

It's how I'm feeling again this morning.

I recognize that I really only choose flight when I'm dealing with emotions that I don't want to entertain.  I run to the nearest Twinkie or engage in Facebook marathons.  I numb out.  I run from the emotion. 

This has always been a theme for me and the awareness of it makes it that much more painful right now.

So in a recent moment of wanting to run I stopped myself in the middle of all of the excuses I could use to make a case for my escaping my commitment and reminded myself that there is a bigger plan that I can't and probably won't see the reason for for days, weeks or even months.  I reminded myself that where I have decided to be right now (as discouraged as I may feel in the moment) is right where I need to be and that this now is going to lead to the next one and so on and so on.  All of these now moments are leading me to something less discouraging.

It's easy to forget in my discouragement that there is a purpose to this life and all of the decisions I make within it are experiences for growth.  I forget that the divine plan can sometimes take years to put together and in the meantime we all need to do our part in that plan.

I heard the words 'hang tight something good is happening' as my head hit the pillow last night.  It made me smile and cry at the same time.

Some times things are hard.  Some times they are only hard because they bring up so much shitty emotion that we've tried desperately to choke down for so long.  Some times you gotta get through the hard to appreciate the easy. 

I'm making a note to myself to appreciate the easy.  Maybe then the hard won't feel so bad.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Prisoners R Us

I can't tell you how many times I've felt like a prisoner of life.  Whether it was a job I hated or a relationship that was less than perfect; there have been times when I've felt like Life was the Warden and I was wearing bright orange.

Have you ever felt like this?  Like your hands are tied and there's nowhere for you to run.

In the past I would've taken this feeling and used it to blame others.  Either I couldn't get out of the job because my husband 'wouldn't let me' or I was in an imperfect relationship because the other person was needy and I wouldn't want to upset them by leaving.  Whatever the situation; whatever the frustration the feeling of being a prisoner always put me in a space of blame.

What I've found out through the process of becoming aware of myself is that this feeling of being imprisoned by life doesn't show up because somebody wronged me; it comes from a fear of making the wrong choices.  Every time I have trouble making a decision for fear that it will be the wrong decision I wind up feeling stuck, unmotivated, depressed and frustrated.

You see I want my decisions to bring joy, peace and prosperity....always.  I struggled with a decision just last month; I wasn't having fun doing the things I was doing in my business and needed to shift the energy so that things could flow more smoothly.  I was feeling run down and burnt out and yet making the choice to step out of services that make money was a very hard decision (in my mind it was a decision that clearly did not promote prosperity!)  It was also difficult to tell clients that I was no longer offering services in the capacity that I used to (letting people down; also not on my agenda!) 

The funny thing is and what I realize now is that all of my decisions have brought joy, peace and prosperity; not immediately but eventually.  Every single one of them from the time I was a young girl to now have all worked out beautifully.  Looking back at that and seeing that truth opened me up to discover that no decision is ever a mistake.  It's impossible for it to be.

This is an important breakthrough to get if you are someone like me who has struggled with decision making or if you feel like a prisoner to life because of your circumstances.

There is something I heard a number of years ago and I can't remember who said it.  But it goes like this:  "The Universe responds to action.  If no action is taken, no response is had.  When we step into action even if it is a baby step the Universe responds and magic starts to happen."

I know this is a truth in my life.  The only reason I have ever felt imprisoned is because I was refusing to take action.  The minute I take a step or set an intention that is when the magic happens.

So we're not really prisoners of life.  If anything life is a prisoner of us!  We are the wardens of our own world.  We hold the keys to our shackles and if we look really closely the doors to our cells aren't even locked.

Monday, July 15, 2013

A Strange Feeling

This week as we spent time at our cottage in Northern Ontario it dawned on me that my hubby and I are entering into that time of our life when we will be vacationing more and more on our own.  With the boys getting older and their priorities focused on making money and spending time with friends we found ourselves begging our youngest to spend his last morsels of childhood with us on vacation this year.

I suppose what lures my hubby and I to the cottage just doesn't turn the kids on anymore (ie. no internet, hydro or cell service).  Add to that the youngest two have taken up long boarding and the bush roads are no place for wheels smaller than what the pickup truck has to offer. 

As I thought about this one morning during the week; I felt my stomach flip.  Where did the time go?  How did this happen?  Will I be able to vacation without any of my kids?

My youngest son was three years old when we purchased our cottage.  I have a picture of the three boys playing on the couch; their toothless smiles stretching from ear to ear.  They used to love playing on the 'beach' (okay it's a boat launch, but there IS sand so technically......); catching tadpoles and making little stone castles for the baby tree frogs.  They used to love to go out fishing though it ended up being a dance off or a fight about who was in they way of who; neither of which was conducive to catching fish.

All of this tripping down memory lane was emotional for me.  Of course.  It was also gratifying to think of all of the memories we've made at our home away from home.  It's easy sometimes to forget the good things when we are staring down major change.  Hubby and I talked about how it felt to be in this phase of our life; what our future might look like and how we could best use the time between now and the boys having families of their own to make our cottage more user friendly for more Merritts down the road. 

It was comforting to have that conversation; to know that something else is coming for us and that we will be okay and even if I have moments of not being okay that I will have someone standing next to me to hold my hand and hug me through those moments.