Wednesday, May 28, 2014

What We Most Need To Learn

"What we most need to learn is also what we most love to teach."

I once read this ideal somewhere in a book.  It made me pause and recall all of the things I love to talk about and all of the things I love to share with others as well as all of the times I had felt uncomfortable sharing  because I considered myself extremely inadequate at teaching what I felt I didn't have a firm grasp of in the first place.

Forgiveness; self love; gratitude; non-judgement; worthiness.  These are all things I love to talk about and if I am following the late Debbie Fords genius advice and I 'attend my own lectures' I learn a whole lot about myself; my fears, beliefs and dreams.  Attending my own lectures shows me where I am holding myself back and what is propelling me forward.

In my opinion, when we attend our own lecture it is the equivalent of sitting at the feet of God.  It is like you are tapping into the wisdom of who you are and being shown where you need more self love.

For a long time I believed that the opposite was true.  I believed that the teacher would need to have already learned what they were wanting to teach.  I felt as though I was unworthy of sharing anything because I wasn't an 'expert'.  I needed more courses, more certificates, more books on my shelf to be 'qualified'.  Didn't I?

After getting a hold of the idea that what I most need to learn is what I most love to teach; I began to pay more attention to my sharings.  I began to realize that the more I learned the more I taught and the more I learned, the more I taught, and so on.

I believe that this is how it is designed to be.  We are here for each other.  To lift up, support, hold, comfort, embrace, guide and love.  We do this through sharing; through saying to someone 'hey I remember that happened to me and this is how I dealt with it and this is how I learned from that dealing and this is how I may have done it differently now that I know what I know'.

This is like sharing your sand pail and shovel in the sand box at the park.  It's a bridge to human connection.  It is sometimes a lifeline for someone in need.

So while there is a whole lot that I DO like to talk about there is an equal amount I don't want to talk about.  Personally, I am working on letting people see my darkness.  It's dark in there.  Scary dark.  I'm scared that everyone will run and hide from it.  So I don't share.  I don't share on purpose and what happens when I don't share?  There is no learning and there is no healing.

So my promise to myself is to share more of that darkness.  To shine a little light on my vulnerability.  Who knows I may learn something {wink}.

Inside Is Where The Power Is.....

This morning I wrote in my journal:  "The ego's needs are never satisfied and will never be satisfied".  This was the answer to my questions "When am I going to feel like enough?  When am I going to feel like I know what I'm doing?"

To the ego; there is never 'enough'.  There is an ever present need for acceptance and acknowledgement.  I consider this my addiction because when I am feeling 'less than' I look to something outside of myself to fill that void.  Sometimes I seek it through people and sometimes (lots of times) I seek it through food.

Seeking approval from people is deeply satisfying....for a split second.  Receiving praise for a job well done and getting a pat on the back feels wonderful....that feeling quickly leaves me even more empty than before.  Food...the same thing.  It is deeply satisfying to finish that ice cream cone and it takes only a few short moments for that deeply satisfying feeling to fade into self loathing for eating the ice cream in the first place.

Have you ever found yourself in this trap?  I'm pretty sure it's a common human 'thing'.

For me; my addiction is about love.  I so desperately want to feel loved that I seek it outside of myself.  I am addicted to acceptance from others because that acceptance (as short lived as it can be) is feeding my need for love.  I get temporary 'highs', if you will from external praise and appreciation.  In order to get these highs I do whatever it takes to make someone else happy; despite my own needs of which I am happy to sacrifice for the high that I seek.

Unearthing this truth is crucial to finding true love for myself.  It's uncomfortable to admit to it.  I feel a little ashamed admitting it out loud because it feels like a dirty little secret AND at the same time saying it out loud and putting it out there feels liberating and honest inside of my heart.

What I learned this morning from that simple question and answer is this; I will never find myself outside of myself.  I will never be satisfied by what is on the outside.  Because ego is driven by what is on the outside.  Ego exists in the way things 'look'.  Ego exists in the way things 'should' be.  True love.  Which is where I want to live from, knows only what is on the inside.  True love is in the feeling of things.  True love can only be found by going inside and getting comfortable there.  Inside is where the power is.