Sunday, October 28, 2012

Just To Write

Have you ever journalled just for the sake of journalling?  Maybe you don't feel like you have anything really interesting to write about but there are all kinds of ideas and beliefs running through your head that you just can't keep them contained anymore?

I've been doing a lot of this kind of journalling lately.  It starts off with random thoughts and there's really no rhyme or reason to any of it.  Just words on a page.

This style of journalling/writing is WAY out of my comfort zone.  For the most part I am a 'paint by numbers' kind of girl.  I like my writing (as I like most things) to have a beginning, middle and end.  I like it all to be grammatically correct and interesting.  There must be a topic to follow and it has to make sense to my readers.

With random journalling what I end up with is a hodge podge of words and sentences.  Not at all my style.  But OH SO FREEING!!!

Freeing because I am taking what is going on inside of my head and I'm putting it down on paper.  It's therapeutic to bring what swirls around in our brains into our physical reality by giving it color and presence.  You can physically hold all of those random, crazy, sometimes scary, occasionally down right arrogant thoughts in your hands!  Then you can rip it up, burn it, squish it into a ball and toss it! 

Ahhhhh.......Release.....Freedom.......Luxurious empty headedness......

Writing and expressing for the heck of it.  Without a purpose in mind.  Complete abandon.

Give it a try.  Let go of your expectations.  Let go of your beliefs of what writing and journalling 'should' be and just trust in the process of allowing what is coming into your mind to spill out onto the paper.  Release the need to analyze, judge, fix or criticize.

Just let the words do the talking.  They'll explain everything ;)


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Mass Confusion

I am an avid personal growth participant.

I love books that can lead me to a better way to live life.  I love speakers that give me tips and tools on how to be a better me.  In my forty years on this planet I've spent tons of money on seminars and workshops to help me become more purposeful.  I've unloaded a wad of cash at the local bookstores buying up whatever 'self help' information they have available.  And I am addicted to YouTube videos showcasing spiritual and personal growth gurus.

And today as I sit here, blogging this for you; I am one confused kitten.

Almost every book or teaching has it's own 'process' or 'rules' to becoming free from stress, free from guilt, free from this and that and everything else plus the kitchen sink.

I've taken so much of this information into my mind that I don't know which end is up sometimes.

Am I supposed to set boundaries and stand my ground, not letting anyone step all over me?  Or am I supposed to keep my mouth shut because it's not my duty to 'change' everyone around me or point out where they are wrong in what they speak and act upon?

Am I supposed to pray or meditate, or both?  What happens to me if I can't get to that silent place of relaxation during yoga?  Will I really go to hell if I don't accept Jesus Christ as my Saviour?

The idea of being confused didn't really hit me until I began reading Anita Moorjani's 'Dying To Be Me' this weekend.  In the beginning of her book she talks about her confusion related to religious and cultural expectations and doctrine and how that confusion and fear created ill health.

Later in the book she describes a near death experience and what she learned about herself and life from that experience.

Basically, in a nutshell she blew my beliefs to smithereens and got me thinking about all of the stuff I've digested over the years!  That's all I'm going to say about the book because I think everyone needs to experience it for themselves when and if they choose.

 It truly got me thinking about all of my own confusion and the tendency I have to take a book, or teaching and whack myself over the head with it when I seem to be 'off track' or I have difficulty following the rules of the teaching.

My desire (ahem, desperation) to become the BEST ME I CAN BE means that I sometimes take outside opinions of who I should be and judge myself because "oops I had a negative thought" or "shit I'm not being very friendly".

Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle because sometimes life creeps up and slaps me on the back and says "let's see what you do with this".

Here's the newsflash - this does not bring me JOY!!!!  This over the top, extreme pressure of being PERFECT does NOT bring ME joy!!!!

Who decided that this cycle of seeking, confusion, abuse; seeking, confusion, abuse is okay?  Who decided that we needed to live more in struggle than in happiness?

It's craziness really.  I think the only way to stop it is to STOP IT!  Cut out the over analyzing, knock off the 'having to take this course and that course to make me a better me'.  Stop looking for outside opinions telling you what and who you need to be.

There is no twelve step program to become more successful, more peaceful, more beautiful, more joyful, more tolerant, more patient, less judgemental, etc.  There isn't a magic mantra, affirmation or chant.  There isn't a yoga pose you can hold long enough that will give you super powers so you can snap your fingers and make all your stress and troubles go away.  There isn't!


Because we already are all of that (successful, peaceful, beautiful, joyful, tolerant, patient, non judgemental) at our core.  The reason why we can't see it is because we are too busy looking at the outside to notice the jewel living on the inside. We are too busy DOING when we need to be busy BEING.

There is one message that I have kept in my heart that seems to be the one that brings me the most happiness when my confusion and frustration with myself gets out of hand; and that is "You were born to be you and nobody else.  Who you are is a gift to this world just the way you are!  God knew you and loved you before your parents were even aware of you.  You are made and guided by divine purpose.  You are magnificent."

Ahhhh, that's much better.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

A Simple Message

As I walked the dog this afternoon, I began thinking about the people in my life that I wish I still had relationships with and I began to wonder what it would take in order to begin again.

Then a message floated in my heart.  At first I thought this was the message I was to share in order to bring people back into my life.  Then I realized it was a message that needed to be shared with everyone and that it's not exclusive to people who have left our lives; but includes our relationship with ourselves and our relationship with God (or the Universe, Buddha, Jesus, Krishna, whomever you feel close to or feel you need to develop a closer relationship with).  I imagine it to be the voice of that tiny spark that lives inside of each one of us.  That spark in me that can communicate effortlessly and beautifully to the spark that is within you.

Here it is; enjoy it, share it, love it.............

"I want to begin again.  I need to begin again.  I am feeling this message because I can.  Because it is a necessity to true healing.  What ails us can be cured with the truth that I am not a terrible person and you are not a terrible person and the circumstances to which we have found ourselves are not terrible.  In fact, they are beautiful.  Through these circumstances I have come to realize the value of your presence in my life.  The value of your face, your eyes, your voice, your arms, your heart.  We are not damaged, we are whole.  And in that wholeness we can find eachother again.  We can birth a new day, a new life, a new way of living that life; together.  Would you join me?  Would you enter this new day?  Would you heal with me?  My heart hopes you will."


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Just To Share

I just read this paragraph in A Course In Miracles and I just have to share it!

"Love is not learned.  Its meaning lies within itself.  And learning ends when you have recognized all it is not.  That is the interference; that is what needs to be undone.  Love is not learned, because there never was a time in which you knew it not.  Learning is useless in the Presence of your Creator, Whose acknowledgment of you and yours of Him so far transcend all learning that everything you learned is meaningless, replaced forever by the knowledge of love and its one meaning."

As someone who insists on learning EVERY lesson that comes her way and has no problem bashing her head against a wall when she misses it; this paragraph rocked my world!

First of all....  Love is not learned.....

How many of us go around trying to learn how to love.

I know I do.  We think it's the person we've chosen and so we move onto someone else or we blame ourselves for being unloveable (like THAT'S possible! sheesh!).

Second of all....there was never a time in which you knew it not.....

In all of our 'trying' and banging our heads against the wall all we really needed to do was be still and see that we have known it all along.  It's been living inside of us all this time.

Third of all....That is the interference; that is what needs to be undone....

The interference.  The resistance to love.  When we seek and we believe we have to learn what love is we are in resistance to it's existence.

learning ends when you have recognized all it is not....  The suffering is needless and when we have come to the conclusion that love is not the stuff and people that surround us but who we ARE beneath all of that (Learning is useless in the Presence of your Creator, Whose acknowledgment of you and yours of Him so far transcend all learning that everything you learned is meaningless); the suffering ends.

I can't wait to end the suffering....

Monday, October 8, 2012

Gratitude for our Teachers

"I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."  ~ Khalil Gibran

Isn't this the truth?

Usually these teachers are the people in our life that give us the most grief and so we tend to overlook the extreme gifts they are giving us in these lessons.

Today is Thanksgiving.  And what better way to give thanks than to go back briefly into past events and look at all of the great teachers we've invited into our lives and send them some gratitude.

I mean, let's face it.  It's a tough job to get us to look deeper at ourselves and get us to change!  Who else is going to teach you toleration but someone who is extremely intolerant?

Of course, those teachers that Khalil Gibran was speaking of, aren't aware that they are teaching us a great and valuable lesson.  But it is still up to us to find the gratitude for those things, no matter how horribly horrendous the lesson might have been.

In fact, finding gratitude for the teachers in our lives, helps them find their own peace and their own lessons.


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Ahhhhhh Haaaaaaa!!!!!

This morning on my usual walk with the dog I began my usual round of prayers.

I heard myself ask for grace (again), for patience (again), for help in finding my peace (again).

Then I stopped.

I always ask for these things.  I always ask to be a comfort to someone, or to be a light in someone's world.  Lots of times I ask to be of service to the divine power.

Those prayers have already been answered.  99.9% of the time I am graceful, patient and peaceful.  99.9% of the time I am a comfort and a light in this world.

So, why am I still asking?

I posed this question to the dog as we walked. 

Well, Sundae didn't answer.  But I did hear something.

I pray for these things because I think this is what God wants me to pray for.  I pray for these things because I think that these are the things that will make me more loveable in His eyes.

Ahhhhh Haaaaaa!

Suddenly, my prayers changed.  Suddenly, I could see that I deserved to pray for what I truly needed in that moment.  It wasn't a selfish, entitled feeling.  It was more like a gentle reminder that I could have everything I needed without having to prove myself to anyone or anything in the process.

It feels to me like this is one of those moments that all I have read and all I have learned has suddenly become the living truth within my heart.

What a blessing it is when this happens.


A Mosh Pit of Posts

It's not uncommon for my list of posts to be tagged with the word "draft".  I get started on writing about something that I am going through or something I think is worthy of a blog post and then I get side tracked and forget what I was writing about...  Other times, the voices in my head tell me they aren't worthy of posting....
Today I was going through some of them and I thought "hey I could plunk them all together and make a post on it's own".  So that is what this is.  It's a Mosh Pit of Posts from my heart to yours :)
On turning 40:  The person I am growing into is a close replica of my dreams, I still have so far to go.

On getting the mother in law moved in:  Personally, I feel like a failure.

On…feeling stuck:  I feel like I am walking through quicksand and if I stop briefly it will swallow me up.

On teenagers waking you up asking for money:  This morning is one of those 'throw up in your mouth' kind of mornings.

On making the drive from Texas on my own:   A testament to the strength that lies in one teeny tiny individual Soul when you put your mind and heart to something and take action.

On settling in with a someone new living in the house:  "How am I going to make all of this work?"  Ahhh, that sentence just slowed me down. So many times it is me TRYING so hard to make something work that trips me up.


On the possibility of hockey being cancelled due to lack of volunteers:  Does it bother me that parents aren't stepping up to take part? Yes. Do I blame them?  No. Who wants to volunteer all kinds of time with other people's kids just to be criticized and yelled at when things don't go their way.

On the weeks following my trip from Texas:  For two weeks I have been less than comfortable in my own skin (this is code for I have been a bitch).


On confrontation:  I have this nagging feeling that by walking away I am being a coward.


On being alone on a beach during 24 hours of silence:  At one point ten turkey vultures started to circle above me. I felt a little nervous until I remembered they liked their meals already dead. For now I was safe.


On taking responsibility (this is all I had written):  "Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility." -- Sigmund Freud

Well, I hope you enjoyed that super short trip down 'draft' post lane :)  This is proof that just because you're a draft post doesn't mean you are a failure...  Sometimes draft posts get screen time too :)