Wednesday, July 30, 2014


Last night I was SO angry that I cried.

This is unusual for me.  Usually I am so angry that I eat.  Maybe this is progress in my quest to express my emotions in a healthy way.

I'm going to guess that my anger was fueled mostly by hormones because it came out of the blue.  It could also have been that I had just had enough....of everything!

I was having a hard time falling asleep because I could hear my son and his friends playing video games in the room above me.  It's normal for this to be going on and normally I don't have any difficulty falling asleep to the sound of shouting and video game gunfire but last night I just laid there; seething.  First I went upstairs and asked them to quiet down.  After another hour I marched upstairs and told the friends to hit the road and head home.

Maybe that last part is normal mom behaviour because they didn't flinch.  They just finished their game peacefully, got up and left the house.

I got back into bed and realized that my husband was only giving me about a foot width of bed space to sleep in.  He was sound asleep sawing logs (as per usual).  Again I laid there seething.  And crying.  Don't I deserve more than a foot of bed space?  Doesn't he know he's only giving me a foot of bed space.  His elbows were in my way and I couldn't get comfortable unless I was laying on my side which just gave him more room to inch closer to me.


Around midnight my middle son got me out of bed.  He was upset about something that happened earlier in the day and needed some comfort.  I was in no shape to comfort anyone as I myself was having my own little meltdown but I listened to what he had to say and I gave him some quick advice; apologized for my straightforwardness and blamed the fact that I was so tired I could hardly think straight.  I gave him a hug; sent him to bed and headed into my bedroom for one last attempt at falling asleep.

What I found when I got back to my bed was my husband laying smack dab in the middle of the bed.  No room for me on either side.  I grabbed my pillow and headed to the couch.

As I laid on the couch and closed my eyes I wondered what was making me feel so angry.  I felt as though I wasn't being appreciated or acknowledged.  I secretly fantasized about twin beds and knew immediately why it was that hubby's grandparents had opted for twin beds all those years ago.  Twin beds equals sanity sometimes.

I woke up this morning; groggy and tired.  A full day of housework ahead of me and in no mood to do anything for anybody.  In fact, if someone were to offer me a golden couch surrounded by servants to fan me and feed me grapes I would have happily taken that deal.

I honestly don't know why I wanted to blog about this.  Most likely just to get it off my chest.  It's kind of funny now that I think about it (that could be the red wine talking).

What I'm noticing about my emotions now that I'm getting older is that they aren't willing to be ignored anymore.  They come on strong and insist on being heard.  Like I said; in the past I've been able to eat my way through emotions; especially the not so nice emotions.  I don't think there would have been enough chocolate cake in the world to squash my anger last night.

For a long time I've been seeking for ways to feel comfortable expressing emotion.  It seems that Mother Nature will find a way for me.

Hang on to your hats!

Saturday, July 26, 2014

New Moon Desires

This new moon tonight is all the rage.  I've been hearing for almost a week how this moon can and will influence your desires.  Maybe help you achieve your goals a little quicker.

I have to admit I've never been one for ritual; let alone a moon phase ritual.  I'm much too lazy to follow rules or a step by step process to honoring the moon so that I can get what I want.  I even have trouble with long drawn out meditations.  I believe this is just the way I am built but every once in a while the hoopla gets to me and I find myself scrambling for a ritual to make sure that I don't miss out on an opportunity to have the Universe hear my desires.

So today I sat down and quickly jotted down my desires for this new moon and then added a list of things I am grateful for in my life.

That's it.  Ritual done.

In my last post I talked about not having dreams.  That hasn't changed.  It probably never will.  I find the same thing is true for desires.  I have a really tough time coming up with a burning desire.  Not because there aren't things I want.  Of course there are things I want.  But the word 'desire' makes me feel like the something I ask for should be something exotic; intimate; divine.  I wouldn't put a new mattress in that category.

What I did write down for my hearts desire was to feel more alive and at peace with who I am and the moments I live in.

The interesting thing for me is that when I write something like that down I instantly realize that all we really need in order to feel more alive is to decide to feel more alive.  The only way to be at peace with who I am is to decide to be at peace with who I am.  No new moon miracles required.  Right?  Well, not exactly.  

What I know about moon phases is that whether you are aware of them or not they are working in your favor.  So that desire to feel more alive can be assisted with a little push from the new moon to release whatever is keeping me from making the decision to feel more alive.

Get it?

It's not that you don't have what you truly desire.  It's that something is in your way so that you can't see it.  So journaling about your desires helps you to align with the new moon so that you can work cohesively instead of being all over the place. 

I don't have any expectations when it comes to what my 'feeling alive' will look like.  It might be more laughter or a lazy day on the deck reading and enjoying the moments that tick by.  Whatever it is will be perfect.  And to the things that I will be releasing in order to feel more alive I say to you 'farewell'....don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Dream Big or Go Home

Something I've been thinking about lately is dreams.  The kind that are like goals; not the kind that are like movies that play in your subconscious while you sleep.  The kinds of dreams that are pie in the sky ideals of who and what we wish to become or contribute to the world.

I don't have any of those pie in the sky ideals.  I've looked into it many times.  I've written out 100 goals that I've wanted to achieve in the past and after a couple of years I've looked at them again and thought "why did I write that?  That's not me."

Maybe it's just me but the more people tell me to 'dream big or go home' the more frustrated I get about life.  The biggest dream I ever remember having in my lifetime was to become a wife and mother.  Been there...still there actually.  Maybe that's why I don't seem to have room in my heart for another dream.  Being a wife and mother is never ending.  I will be doing it until the day I die and even then someone will still be calling me 'Mom'.  Right?

My biggest dream in the past month has been to move the compost over ten feet.  I accomplished that dream today with the help of my hubby.

Maybe that doesn't qualify as a 'dream'.  But it kinda sorta feels like it does in my world.

We're told in this 'be all things to all people and make money doing it' society that if we don't have a dream we are like a ship without a rudder drifting aimlessly across the ocean with no direction and no destination in mind.

When I see my friends accomplishing their dreams I stand in awe of them.  Many of my friends are reaching their goals; fulfilling their dreams.  They are landing themselves on the front pages of magazines; single handedly feeding the hungry and clothing the poor, changing the world, etc.  And I wonder why it is that I don't have a rudder?  Am I directionless?  I don't feel directionless.  Do those who have no direction know they have no direction or do they feel like I do.  Do they feel like things are going just fine?

It's kinda funny to think that I am having these little conversations in my head while I look around at who I am and what my life looks like and realize that I am quite content with all of it.  I remember a time when I wasn't content with any of it.  My THEN certainly doesn't look like my NOW.

Maybe it's enough that I simply want to live happily and be the best version of 'me' that I can be (whatever that best version looks like in any given moment).  That might not be enough for the next guy/gal but it seems certainly sufficient for me at this moment and maybe, just maybe that is enough of a rudder to keep me on course in this big ocean of life.