Friday, November 26, 2010

All I've Ever Wanted

 Last year at this time I had taken part in something called "An Idea Party". 

It was a workshop based on the law of attraction.  You know "what you think about you bring about!".  There was a lot of motivational information and we made lists of things we wanted in life, what our perfect day would look like if we had everything we could ever possibly want.

I had even won tickets to the Napoleon Hill Foundation's 100th Anniversary celebration in California.  I was convinced that if I surrounded myself with all the big names, that somehow some of their success and their secrets to a money filled life would rub off on me.

Although, this time in my life was exciting.  It was far from comfortable.  

While I was purging some old paperwork a couple weeks back I came across my notes for this workshop.  My list of things that I wanted in life was 2 pages long (I think the idea was to come up with at least 100 things).  There were things on that list that don't even make sense to me now.

In just one short year, my list of 100 material wants and desires has been shortened to:  Grace, Love and Connection.

I have realized that I don't need anything more than grace, love and connection to be fulfilled.  And that while I was out searching for more money so I could acquire some of the 100 things I thought I wanted, I was taking myself further from all I have ever needed or will ever want in life.

What's great about needing only love, grace and connection is that I don't have to work towards attaining it.  It is there for me to have, it has been all along.  All I have to do is allow it to surface and bathe in the flow of it all.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Waving my White Flag

My whole life I have struggled with decision making.

Even the simplest decision, like what to cook for dinner could take me all day to make and could still end up with my family eating Cheerios!

It's part of my astrological make up.  I haven't met a Libra yet that can make a quick decision. 

When I'm faced with even bigger decisions that need to be made, I become stuck.  Frozen in my tracks. 

Most of those big decisions mean facing some of my biggest fears.  Stepping through obstacles that are usually more powerful in my imagination than they are in "real life".

I found myself faced with one of these monsters of a decision this weekend.  I knew it was coming, and it landed right in front of me on Sunday evening.

I don't want to get into details, what I want to do is share with you how terrified I am. 

I know what the right thing to do is.  What I HAVE to do.  Not for the sake of someone else, no one is telling me what I should do.  I am feeling it in my heart.  I am being spoken to by a higher power on what my next step is to be.  And yet I am having so much difficulty trusting in that feeling, trusting in the knowledge that when I am lead by my heart I never fail.  And yet, my mind is telling me that I will fail.  That I will be shunned, that I will be turned away.

There is this war going on between my heart and head at the moment.  My heart knowing full well what the best course of action is and my head making up imaginary scenerios that look almost like the end of the world (the downside to a creative mind I suppose).

I have spent most of this day imagining a white flag.  Seeing myself declare a truce between these two powers within me and asking for just a moment of further clarity and a whole lot of courage to get through this.

In the end the reality is that it doesn't matter either way.  Whether I am turned away or embraced, it doesn't matter because taking the step, making the move, taking action and going with my heart will be the gift.  There is nothing that could possibly be more rewarding that just taking the risk and making the decision that might change everything forever.

{deep breath}

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Urge to Purge

For the past couple of weeks I've had this overwhelming urge to purge some old stuff. 

I had been holding on to binders full of prayers, meditations, information on spirituality, fasting and how to stay well.  I had pages and pages of poetry I had written, doodles of fairies and angels, journals full of feelings, acknowledgements and insight.

I pulled all of these binders out of their hiding place and page by page began to say good bye to the past.

At first I was hesitant. 

What if I decided I needed this stuff one day?

The answer to this question was this.  I have never needed this stuff.  Those journals full of old words, old feelings, old perceptions are no longer necessary for me to keep.  There isn't anything in those journals that is the least bit valuable.  Everything of importance is stored in my mind and body.  Everything that isn't important was gone a long time ago.

I read through journal after journal and was amazed at how far I had come.  That acknowledgement helped me to toss all of the information in the garbage.

I could only imagine the energy that was being stored in those pages.  The confusion, frustration, sadness, guilt and shame, still stuck there in the form of words and thoughts that served no other purpose than to remind me of who I used to be.

I opened up my creative journal today and began to cut out pages that were not conducive to a loving nature.  Anything that sounded critical, judgemental, frustrating or angry got cut into teeny tiny pieces.

I no longer see the purpose in holding onto journals full of past confusion. 

Life is so much lighter when the past is gone.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Happy Birthday Gramma!

Today was my grandmother's 92nd birthday.

I kissed the soft skin of her cheek and I asked her "have you ever in your life thought about the day you would become 92?"

She replied that she didn't think she'd make it this far.  Her own mother dying at the age of 55.

She's a beautiful, beautiful woman.

At one point in our conversation she asked if it was November 11.  I told her it was November 14 and she started to laugh saying "oh, it's my birthday today". 

It was a cute moment.

She can remember watching her grandchildren play hockey 30 something years ago.  She can remember the names of her neighbours and old friends.  She couldn't remember that it was her birthday today.

I love this woman who became my grandmother when I married my husband.  I love that she calls me her granddaughter, something I have no memory of my own grandparents doing since they died when I was young.  I love that she believes I am a special part of her family.  I love that she is 92 and can laugh at the fact that she didn't remember that today was her birthday.

I want to be just like her when I grow up!

The mess in my mind...

Have you ever been surrounded by people and still felt completely alone?

I have.

I do.

Most days.

Like even if I picked up the phone and called my very best, very closest friend she/he would still not be able to understand a word I am saying.

The equivalent to looking in the mirror and not even recognizing myself.

It's like stepping off a plane from a far off land, not knowing anyone and not being able to speak the language of the locals.

It feels like my brain is over stimulated by all of the everything that goes on around me and I can't put it all together and organize it into anything useful.

And so I smile.

Hoping that someone, anyone will recognize that smile, that look in my eyes that says "I need someone to understand me".

And then the reality of this situation. 

One day they may be able to know who I am, to understand my passion, my motives and the next they will not.  And that's the whole point isn't it?  To change, to shift, to grow?  To become someone you were not just 5 minutes ago?

Always sitting precariously on the edge of something new.  A new belief.  A new thought.  A new life.

Then instantaneously, nothing is the same.  The faces are different.  They have to be.  Or do they?

I don't know....

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A Letter to Me

I love that song by Brad Paisley entitled "A Letter to Me".

If you don't know the song, it's about a grown man who wishes he could write a letter to himself as a teenager giving himself tips about life and how to get by.

I'm not sure why, but this song is stuck in my head today and it got me thinking about what I would say if I could write a letter to myself.

Have you ever wondered what you would say to yourself as a child?

Dear Jennifer;

You don't know me, but one day you will.  You were born to do amazing things.

I know it doesn't always seem like it, but there is love for you everywhere, no matter how invisible you feel at times.  I've learned that this feeling of being invisible is really common amongst children and you are totally normal and there is nothing wrong with you!

You work so hard to get good grades in school, most of the knowledge you will need however won't come from text book or a teacher.  It will come from a place within you.  It's a place you already know very well and all you need to do is practice listening to that wisdom and using it when you can.
If you only knew how much your smile would light up rooms and melt sadness and fear, you would show it off more often.

You know all those dreams you have that others laugh at.  Keep those alive inside of you and don't let anyone knock them loose.  You fulfill every single one of those dreams.  

There are going to be many bumps in the road of life, you manage each one of them just fine, always brushing yourself off and setting off to the next thing.

You know that hunch you have about marrying the Merritt boy?  That one's right on the money, and it's a special relationship the two of you have.  You'll finally know unconditional love, you'll finally know what it's like to have someone appreciate and admire you.  You have so much to offer eachother.  But you know that already, don't you?

Make sure to always say what you feel, even if you think someone's feelings will get hurt.  It's important to speak your truth, to share your feelings and thoughts.  More important than you realize.

And just so you know, parents don't get divorced because their kids did something wrong, they get divorced because they don't love eachother the way they used to and they want something more for eachother.  Your Mom and Dad will always be proud of you no matter what!

You grow into a beautiful, strong and healthy woman.  You'll be a great mom, one of your greatest dreams!

All that you think you are, small, unimportant, fragile, invisible and "uncool".  You couldn't be further from the truth.  You are powerful, important and strong.

You have a very important role in this life and I am so very proud to be who you are.


You @ 38.