Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Just not myself.....

"It's okay to not feel like yourself."

This is what the voice inside my head keeps telling me these days.

As I sleep and sleep and sleep. 

And still when I am awake and walking and talking.  I feel like I am still asleep.  I feel like there are no organs inside of me.  No heart pumping vitality to the rest of my body, no breath releasing old energy and bringing in new.

I've managed to set up distractions so that I don't feel completely useless during the day.

I think if I keep myself busy, the emptiness will go away.

And then it returns, with the setting of the sun and the bedtime kisses.

This is one of those tell tale moments of personal growth.  What I would call a "doozy" of a lesson that's being learned.  And yet I do not consciously know what is being taught.  It's all being done at a level I cannot grasp in this moment.  Like a curtain has been put up to keep me from viewing the scene. 

The only way my body can translate all the "work" that is being undertaken is to tell me that I am tired.  That I need to lay down and rest.  That I need to only concern myself with taking the next breath.

In....Out....In....Out....  Like the ebb and flow of the river lapping against the shoreline.

Just breathe and one day...POOF...I will see what has been learned, I will have the clarity that I pray for.  I will see the light.

One day.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Happiness is a Choice

Happiness is a choice.  Just like what to have for breakfast and what we wish to wear today.

It's not a pill that you swallow.  It's not magic or mystery.

It sometimes takes all the strength you have and it sometimes pisses people off.

In every moment of your day you can choose between happy and miserable.

Whether your life gets better or worse in that moment is your decision and yours only.

I know that this seems like simple fact.  But to a few people it may still be a mystery.

They may be walking around in their day completely oblivious that it is them that can make the change.  Turn it around.  Turn tragedy into triumph.  Turn that frown upside down.

To choose happiness, no matter the circumstances is a great feat.  And it's something that most spiritual teachers will tell you is the key to life, to abundance, to great health and relationships.

You don't have to believe my words.  You don't even have to read them.  Because this is a choice also.

Nobody's perfect.....

We hear that all the time don't we?  Nobody's perfect?  It's how we excuse ourselves for mistakes.  Convince ourselves that it's okay to be flawed.

I've said it many times about myself in the past.  In fact one of my favourite lines when I was working out of the house was "I don't remember putting "perfect" down on my resume", when something didn't work out as planned or I had fallen short of a goal.  It was an excuse.  Plain and simple.

My belief now is not that we aren't perfect, but that we absolutely are.

Some would think the things I've done in my life are all mistakes.  All of my decisions the wrong ones.

I suppose it's easy to guess that since most of what I have done and most of the decisions I have made were made because they were the right ones for me and not for someone else.

I don't make excuses for my decisions and mistakes anymore.  I know that all of it is perfect.  It sometimes doesn't look that way on the surface, and it is sometimes confusing for the people around me to experience, but they are perfect.

I had a friend tell me once that she is an "experiential learner".  I believe we are all experiential learners.  This earth is our classroom and we are earning (as another dear friends likes to call it) a Ph.D. in life.

We all have a story.  And isn't that the point?

I believe heartache, tragedy and life experiences are what bring us as human beings together.  To be able to hear someone tell a story that touches your heart because you remember  being in that position at one point, you remember the emotion, the physical feelings of it, you remember it like it was yesterday and so therefore, you can relate and you can send love and support to the other person experiencing the same thing.

The moments when this happens for me confirms my belief in perfection.  Nothing is left for chance in this world.  Every event, everything that has happened and will happen in my life will be perfectly planned to give me the opportunity to learn and to become a better human being. 

It's there for all of us.  If we just take the time to see it.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Greatest Gifts of All!

I have had the most blessed year. 

I've met some extraordinary new friends and reconnected with old ones, I've moved into a home I love in a town I love even more.  My marriage and my relationship with my sons are full of tremendous joy.  My business is thriving and I'm makig more connections in my community than I ever thought possible.  And I've had the pleasure of learning how to love myself more for all that I am and all that I have to offer my community, friends and family.

Yep, it's been an amazing year!

Having a chat with a friend today helped me to connect a little more deeply with all the things that I am grateful for.

I remember starting off this year feeling vulnerable, lost and alone.  I'm ending the year feeling inspired, loved and supported.

This comes from all of those new friends in my life.  The ones who taught me how to "breathe in compliments".  The ones that helped me recognize that sometimes getting a negative response to something meant I had impacted or affected a change in the person offering that response. 

They have helped me to realize my special hidden talents, supported me in my journey to finding my light and inner love.  They have laughed with me and cried with me.  Held the mirror up for me so I could see where it was I needed to make a change in my life.

Inspired me with their passion for change.  Motivated me with their kind words of encouragement.

Linked arms and walked side by side with me.  Grasped my hand and pulled me up when I was down.  Showed me there was way more to life than a busy calendar and lots of money.  Offered me their wisdom and love without asking for anything in return.

To all of you...  Thank you...  For the greatest gifts you could ever have given me...

 I love you all with all of my heart.

Monday, December 20, 2010


Blame it on the full moon.  Blame it on my PMS rubbing off on them.  But the men in my house have been on each other's nerves for the last 2 days!

A recent verbal war between father and teenage sons about the dishes (of which I didn't do a very good job of staying out of) brought me back to a childhood memory I always knew I had, I just didn't know it was lying dormant waiting for an opportunity to pounce.

My father was an active alcoholic until I was around 12 years old.  And for the most part I ignored this fact until one Christmas he came home from the local bar totally hammered and obviously not up for any annoying behaviour.  Well, if you consider eating a festive cookie annoying behaviour.  Which apparently he did!

I might have been around 9 or 10 and I remember sitting in front of the television watching a Christmas special with my sister and foster brother.  My father came in the room (I don't remember what he was saying, if anything at all), I remember him walking in front of the tv and all of a sudden getting really angry about the way we were chewing our cookies...  He started to yell and make rude comments about the way we were eating our cookies and at one point offered to help shove one down one of our throats.  I remember being understandably frightened of him at this point (like I said I made a great effort to ignore my father's alcoholism prior to this).  It all happened really fast and most likely my mother ushered him off to bed (all the while giving him a piece of her mind).

The point is I had no idea that this memory (which I have always had total recollection of btw) still held any power over me.  In fact, I didn't think it had power in the first place.  It was just one small event amongst many.  But after the boys were done shouting I instantly felt the emotion ball up in my throat.  The lights on the Christmas tree, the sound and tone of their voices shouting, and Christmas music in the background made me feel like throwing up!

My body knew where I was, but in that moment it felt like my brain hit rewind and I was instantly transported back to that moment all those years ago and I bawled like a baby for over an hour.

It's a struggle for me to get in the Christmas spirit.  I wonder if this is why?  I also wonder if it is why my dad never liked Christmas either.  Did he remember that moment and feel ashamed?  Did he ever wish he could take that moment back?

There's so much within me that needs to be healed still.  Obviously.  And this episode made me realize that my body, mind and spirit will choose the way in which it best needs to do this.  I don't believe I could have forced this to happen even if I tried.  The Universe definitely knew what was necessary for me to connect all the dots and experience the healing that occurred.

So, what's the moral of the story?

I have no idea. Thanks for reading anyway!

Friday, December 17, 2010

boobs, butts and bellies.....NOW have I got your attention!

If your a regular to this blog, you will no doubt have noticed I am on a kick to embrace my divine femininity.

I have to say that it's been quite intense over the last couple of weeks.  I'm finding myself weaving in and out of old and new stories about myself.  I feel like I've been given a magnifying glass to look at myself more clearly.

I've been doing more to help myself feel better in my skin.

I've been making an effort to attend yoga classes at the local gym (and I'm finally learning to love yoga and what it does for the body and mind!)

I've also begun to make a ritual out of really facing myself and looking at myself in the mirror every morning.  The trick to this is to have no thoughts as I am doing so. 

One day as I was investigating every inch of my body as I stood in front of the mirror, I once again noticed all of the stretch marks and wrinkles on my belly.

This part of my body has disgusted me for years, since I've had children.  Gone is the once tight smooth skin of my abdomen (that unfortunately even THEN I didn't appreciate).  What is left in it's place is a bulging bunch of wrinkly skin.  My navel barely recognizable! 

This particular day though I took a closer look and I could hardly believe my eyes!  I noticed that the lines on my belly resembled a tree!  The roots, trunk and branches all very defined and visible.  How could I have missed this amazing visual effect all of these years?!?!?

Wow, a tree!

At that moment I connected to the realization that I have never appreciated the symbolism of this part of my body. The sacrifice my body made to create, nurture, house and grow another being into life.  It truly is magnificent. 

As women we talk alot about our bodies.  It doesn't seem to matter what the conversation is about, somehow it turns to a discussion about boobs, butts and bellies.  What we'd like to change, what we wish we could upgrade, what could use a downsize or upsize. 

We do all that we can to improve ourselves, no matter the cost to our health sometimes.

I hear that when a woman hits her fifties that she begins to be comfortable with her body, her life, herself.

I don't want to wait 12 years to become comfortable with myself.  I don't want to wait 12 years to finally embrace my inner Goddess, to finally be able to step into my feminine power and love my body.

I want that now!  How 'bout you?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I've got a new song!

Sometimes along your journey towards something spectacular you can pinpoint exact moments in time when something shifts inside of you.  A word is spoken or a story is shared and you realize "OMG!  That's it!  That's the missing piece!"

This week has been filled with them and today was no exception. 

There are no coincidences here.

I shared in my last blog about the disconnectedness I have been feeling with regards to expressing my femininity.  I've been giving this SO much thought over the last couple of weeks and the more I think about it the more I receive messages from my world about the next steps I need to take.

For example, a couple of days ago a good friend of mine handed me a book she picked up at a store entitled "GROW".  It's a great book about connecting to our femininity, what that looks like for each of us as individuals.  It is filled with vibrant colors and inspiring stories to help me truly find my true nature, connect with it and live it on the inside and out.

Then today, as I sat sharing stories with another good friend the conversation turned to self love and how we feel about our bodies, how we treat (or mistreat) them.  She leaned over and said to me "This is a bit embarassing but I used to wear really tight bathing suits under my clothes to squish and hide my breasts as a young girl."  She shared how much she felt like a freak in her own body.  In that moment I connected to a memory I had of stuffing my own bra at a very young age because the torment I got from being skinny and flat chested was unbearable.  I shared this memory with her, to which we both laughed at ourselves and questioned why it is that as young girls we insist on covering up who we really are?!?!  And more importantly WHY do we still do it as adults?

The memory of the pain of growing into a woman hadn't come to mind in quite a long time.  This was a Eureka moment for me!  That moment of reconnecting to the memory of me being a young girl, teased for something I had no control over really hit home.  I have been not trusting my inner self for a very very long time.  I have not been feeling good in my own skin for 38 years!

I believe there is no greater tragedy in this lifetime than to live with the idea that you are not good enough, that you are not pretty, tall or slim enough!  I've had enough of that life!

It's time to turn on a new song ladies.  It's time to turn on the song called "Take this shame and shove it!" and like the quote says "dance like nobody's watching!"

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Helllooo, divine feminine....Where are you?

The topic of the divine feminine has been on my mind for a couple of weeks now.

As I grabbed Marianne Williamson's book "A Woman's Worth" off my bookshelf for the first time and leafed through it, I began to realize just how far away I have pushed my divine feminine "powers".  Her words about feminine power and the ways of a woman really touched me and at the same time had me feeling frustrated and confused about where I am in this moment with those feminine powers.  I feel like I have misplaced them somewhere, like a set of car keys.

I can see it in the way I dress myself, the lack of effort I put towards my hair and make up, the muted colors I choose for my wardrobe.  There's no color, no fun in anything I wear.  To quote a good friend during a conversation about my struggle with this topic; "my inside isn't matching my outside".  I feel more frumpy than sexy.

Inside I feel love, joy and gratitude almost consistently.  Yet you wouldn't know it by my physical appearance.  My outward appearance looks tired, worn out.

Years of giving all of my energy to my son's and husband, throwing on jeans and a sweatshirt to head to the arena and watch hours upon hours of hockey.  Working from home as a healer means I don't have a need to get all dressed up in the morning.  The lack of time these days to write, draw and create have me drifting even farther from the girl I want to be.

I want to be comfortable inside and out, and I want to look good and inspire other women at the same time.

During yoga class yesterday I found myself staring into the mirror as I held the Warrior pose.  I forced myself to look over my body, I watched myself hold that pose, strong and powerful in that moment.  And I wanted to hug that woman in the mirror, to tell her that she is beautiful, that she is powerful no matter how it looks on the outside and that she is well on her way to becoming reacquainted with her divine femininity.