Sunday, August 24, 2014

Old News

I heard the news of Robin Williams death while I was on vacation.

Good people die when I'm on vacation.

I'll never forget hearing about Princess Diana's death; sitting by the front window in my father in laws cottage; rocking Evan to sleep.  And it's not only 'celebrity' good people that die while I'm away.  People I've known practically my whole life; people who have shaped me and nurtured me have all passed while I've been away.  I've come almost to expect some kind of sad news.

The news of Robin Williams death was a shock.  It's always a shock when someone takes their life.  Immediately the news catapulted me to the moment I heard of my own brothers passing.  I thought of Robins family and how they might be taking the news.  Then my thoughts turned to how easy it was for him to be silly and cultivate laughs in others.  He made it his lifes work to make others happy even and I'm guessing especially when he himself was having a hard time getting out of bed.  I thought about what kind of pain that would cause someone.  To be so good at providing laughter for others and yet not be able to find it for oneself.

All of this musing pointed me directly to the times in my own life where I've 'grinned and beared it' for the benefit of others.  No one wants to hear MY complaints (my brain reasoned) after all hadn't I heard many people say in passing 'it doesn't do any good to complain?  I've hidden my tears from my husband and sons on many occasions.  The rare time that I let them fly and put my whole emotional self on display I felt ashamed; weak and afraid.  If you read through our cottage journal you will read all about our fun times; not once will you read about the countless panic attacks that gripped me while we vacationed.  No one wants to read that stuff.

But maybe we SHOULD read that stuff?  Maybe I should put the 'truth' into that cottage journal.  Right next to the 'Fish Tales' portion where we list who caught what and how big it was.  Maybe I could dedicate a section of each visit to how many hours my panic attack lasted while we were on vacation?  How many times I threw up or how many times I slept through most of the vacation because I was living on Gravol?

I think the only way to combat most mental illnesses like depression is if we talk about it.  The fact is that life sucks sometimes; sometimes it's too much and we are mentally and physically exhausted just thinking about it or trying to figure it out.  I think that's what is missing in society today; the ability to connect with others and have others help you in your time of need.  I imagine a society where people are comfortable sharing their challenges with others and those others showing up with a casserole or an outing planned for the kids or even an afternoon in their schedule where they listen quietly while those who are challenged get to talk it all out.  Unfortunately, we are more apt to look the other way hoping that whatever it is isn't contagious.  God forbid something interrupt our own version of the perfect life.

I wasn't sure I was going to blog about this.  I knew by the time I got to a computer enough time would have passed that Mr. Williams death would have been 'old' news.  But I couldn't help but think about all of the people I know; myself included who deal with this everyday.  All of the people I know who deal with the loss of a loved one to depression or other mental illness situations.  So, whether it's old news or not and whether you've heard enough about this or not; here I am opening the wound again so that we can take another look at it.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

My Week of Manifestation

This week I manifested some
beautiful curtains for my cottage and a pair of Schwinn cruiser bikes for my hubby and I.  AND I manifested them all while dealing with crazy emotional mood swings and generally not feeling 'good' at all.

For anyone, myself included who has ever listened to or read anything about manifestation you will know that we are told we have to be in a positive mind set that we have to be convince ourselves that what we want will appear when we are thinking of what we want to manifest.

I can tell you honestly that I did NONE of that.

The curtains arrived within a day or so of me laying in bed one night going through a list of things that might help me create a beautiful bedroom space in my cottage Up North.  As I thought about changing the room; painting the walls and adding a piece of artwork I am creating just for that space I felt excited and anxious to get started.  I didn't think specifically about the curtains.  I didn't concern myself with what they were going to look like or where I was going to get them although I did mention to my husband that I would need to take some time to do some second hand store shopping to see if I could find what I was looking for and if I couldn't I had some curtains here already that might make the grade.  Then I fell asleep.

A day or so later I was in to visit my friend at the local Good Will book store and I was sharing with her my idea of transforming this room and she said to me 'I think I may have just the thing you are looking for'.  Remember that we are in the BOOK STORE.  We are not in the general household items Good Will store.  She comes out of her office with three panels of the most beautiful curtains I have ever seen.  She says that she found them in a donation box and thought they might work for her home but they don't so she brought them into the store in case anyone came in who needed them.

Yes I did need them.  They are perfect.  Thank you my friend!

I'm in need of getting into better shape.  Part of my idea to accomplish this was to get up early every morning and get on my bike.  Three days had passed and I still hadn't managed to get out of bed early enough before needing to go off to work.  But yesterday I did it.  I managed to get on my bike for a half an hour.  I haven't rode my bike all that much.  Sometimes I take it to the grocery store or to run to the post office or something but to  use it solely for exercise and to spend an uninterrupted half an hour on it made my butt hurt.  Also, the angle at which my hands use the handlebars caused my hands to go numb.  My whole body tensed as I pedaled; heaven help me if I hit a bump!  Every once in a while I would have to release one hand at a time to get the feeling back into my fingers.  I remember at one point I thought to myself "tell John to pick up one of those huge bike seats when he runs to Canadian Tire and ask him if he can raise the handle bars to a more comfortable height".  The thought of a bigger, more comfy seat coming to me in the near future eased my mind enough that I was able to make it home feeling accomplished for having done what I said I would do.

Two and a half hours later I am standing in my cousins home.  She is in the middle of prepping for a move and we were going to work on moving stuff to the garage for a sale.  I can't remember if I mentioned the bike ride and my sore butt; I probably did because she says something to me about having a couple of Schwinn bikes to get rid of.  So we head out to the garage to take a look at these bikes and there hanging in the garage are two gorgeous, brand new Schwinn cruiser bikes complete with BIG seats and high handle bars!!!  I may or may not have started jumping around like a five year old at Christmas.  I know that I did when they delivered them to our home last night.

I wanted to share these stories with you because I was shocked at how quickly these things manifested for me given the fact that I didn't do the normal 'write it down, chant a prayer, be a good girl' technique.  What I think happened (but it can't be scientifically proven) was that because each time I had thought about what I needed I also had an idea of how I could find a solution on my own.  

With the curtains I knew I may have to go looking for them.  I also knew I didn't have lots of time to do that however I was willing since I really wanted curtains.  With the bikes I had solutions available to me for both the seat and the handlebars.  I wasn't thinking 'I need a new bike' I was thinking 'this is a good bike, it just needs a few adjustments'.

The 'write it down, chant a prayer, be a good girl' technique may work for some; for me it has flaws.  Being a 'good girl' is hard to do when I don't feel like being a good girl.  Also, it leads me to believe that who I am and what I am doing isn't enough already and that I have to complete some special assignment before I can have what I need.  The bible tells me that I am made in the likeness of God.  Gurus tell me that I am the Universe.  So why then do I need to participate in a ritual that may in the end make me feel less than God and less than the Universe?  It seems backwards in my brain.  

Knowing what you want, having a plan for a solution or a way to achieve it and then letting it go seems to me the best manifestation technique available to me.  It may be the best technique available to you as well if you've ever felt like your rituals or techniques aren't satisfying the manifestation Gods.

I feel the need to tell you that I didn't get the curtains or the bikes for 'free'.  It doesn't always work that way, but sometimes it does.  The curtains were a delicious $10 and the bikes I will be happily working off helping clean and paint my cousins new condo.  There is still an exchange of energy happening here.  This is how we show our appreciation for the gifts we have received.  It's a win/win.