Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Pain of Change

"You can suffer the pain of change or suffer remaining the way you are.” ~ Joyce Meyer

Hoo Hoo!  I love this quote!

Personally I despise the pain of change, though it doesn't stop me from having faith and moving through it.  It hurts everywhere sometimes.  But the pain of remaining the way I was back in the day and even in remaining who I am today may take the lead in the pain department.

The way I was, was not comfortable at all.  Even when I was in the thick of being an emotional wreck, jealous, self centered, full of blame and judgement I knew I couldn't stay that way.  Knew that there was a better way to live and one day I would find out what it was.

Little did I know that in order to build a whole new you, you have to tear down the old you and boy that takes some time and energy and well, yes, some pain.

Sometimes change is happening and you don't know what is going on.  All you know is that you are a miserable, hot mess!  All you know is that life is not going well at all, that you aren't getting anything you want and everything is a battle and a challenge.

The pain of change can have you doubting your sanity.  It can have you on your knees crying and begging for it all to end.  It can have you turning your life upside down looking for answers and purpose.

Change can be frustrating and it can be very easy to start blaming the world for all of it's hang ups.

I'm moving through change right now.  Big change.  I don't like it.  It doesn't feel good.  I was ignoring change for a while, pretending it didn't exist (oh no you don't change, I am feeling good and doing good and I don't need you right now!).  Don't you wish you could put change on hold.  Don't you wish you had that kind of power?  lol  I know I do!

What I'm saying is this.  I know we are all struggling through change right now.  Every single one of us is experiencing a shift in our lives so profound we feel like we want to puke in our mouths most days.  Yum!  This may be the biggest change you have ever experienced in all of your days on this earth and you may be feeling alone and 'less than' because of it.

Last night I heard myself say "I feel not good enough".  Do you feel that way?

You are not alone and you are certainly not 'less than' anything.  You are a powerful being who is sucking it up in order to create something better in your life (some people have opted not to suck it up!).  You are a soul that is fulfilling a calling to do great things in this world.  You can't do the great things until you've done the homework.  I am often shown in visions that if the Creator were to put me where I want to be right now in this second I would lose my mind!  I wouldn't know how to handle myself.

So, with the promise of a great future comes some hard work.  It takes some digging and getting dirty.

Are you up for a little dirty?

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Outer Silence....Inner Conflict

So I thought I would be a smarty pants and adopt a 'silence is golden' attitude around here.  I cited (to myself) that there is just no sense saying something out loud that might offend, disappoint or piss someone off to the point where a new set of issues is born.

I'm just going to listen...  This is new territory for me...

Things were going great!  Silence...it seemed....really was golden and the road to take when in doubt.  Perfect!

Until I developed a pain in my neck.

No.  Seriously.  A physical pain in my neck.

Earlier in the week it was mild, just a slight tinge of pain and only felt if I wanted to look to the left.

Then it got bigger and stronger, making my head hurt and my left shoulder weak.  I got hubby to massage my neck one night and then we tried the TENS thingy majig on it.


If anything it got worse.

Then this morning hubby asked me what it means emotionally to have neck pain.  So, I looked it up (something I do for everyone else in my life, just not me).

Basically, neck pain relates to flexibility or rather the inflexibility you are exhibiting.  The left side neck pain means I am being inflexible in relation to the feminine aspect of my life.

But wait a minute!  I've been flexible.  I've been silent!!!!!  What the heck!!!

Here's the catch.  In my quest for outer silence, I had forgotten to keep track of what was happening within.  It wasn't my outer world that was causing my neck pain, it was my inner world.

What I hadn't noticed (or better yet, what I was ignoring) was that inside of me brewed an inner conflict.  There was a little war being waged inside of me.  My imaginary friends were having conversations in my head about how things SHOULD be and how I needed to be more peaceful, more loving, more entertaining, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!  Once I took a deeper look at it I realized that this inner conflict has been making me tired.  It's been weakening my energy little by little, I have become vulnerable to negative and toxic energy because I've allowed my inner self to be at war instead of promoting inner peace.  The domino effect had begun!!!

How many of us are walking around thinking we got it all going on?  We smile when appropriate, we say kind and loving things, we keep our opinions to ourselves AND at the same time we are worn out, we are experiencing spurts of frustration and anger out of the blue.  We are ignoring what is happening inside of us!  We may have it all going on on the outside, but on the inside we may be engaged in a battle!

So here is my Sunday lesson :)  Outer Silence (or seeming outer peacefulness) does not immediately add up to Inner Peace.  It can actually mean the opposite if you aren't paying attention (which I wasn't).  Now I'm going back to the drawing board, almost.  I'm not going to throw away my silence is golden option, though I am going to make sure I balance the silence with some inner reflection and healing to make sure that someone's paying attention in there!

I'm also learning about weakness and vulnerability and how much the ego LOVES when you are down and out and not paying attention to the stuff going on in your head.  More on that later :)

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Do Gooder

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to experience a moment of deep hurt and I've been thinking a lot about it, not because I wanted to analyze it to death, more because I wanted to understand where the hurt came from.

The circumstances don't matter here.  They never do.  What's important is the reflection, the healing that comes after the circumstance has left us and we are alone with the pain.

It was simple really.  The part of me that wants to do good, always, for everyone got her feelings hurt.

I beat myself up about that.  I criticized that 'good girl' for trying too hard, for having expectations of appreciation and gratitude.

I felt weak because I gave my power away and allowed someone to hurt me.

I felt ashamed of my reaction (my tears).

How many of us have been there and done that?

As a healer I want to heal.  I want to be the person that has the right thing to say and can uplift and inspire in a moments notice.  What I tend to forget is that not everyone is ready for that and that I am only the messenger in any of these situations, nothing more, nothing less.

What I realize now almost two weeks after the fact; that I felt vulnerable and immediately I wanted to shove that vulnerability into a drawer, but that little do gooder girl had to go and make an issue out of it.  I tried to silence her, look away, ignore her hurt.  But I couldn't, it was too deep and she needed to release it.

You see the truth is, that little do gooder girl inside of me is the one that makes the good things in my life happen.  She's the one with the heart of gold, the pure love and dreams of peace.  She's the one with the lofty goals.  She's the one that wants nothing but peace and happiness in this world.

The adult me couldn't give a rats ass about any of that stuff really.  The adult me, like all kinds of adults would love to hang onto the hurt and use it against someone.  The adult me would love to scream from the rooftops how I've been hurt and how justified I am in my anger and frustration.  But it's that little girl that keeps me from that, she's the one who pushes me to be better than that.  She is the strong one, the one who sees that compassion is what is needed, not hate and anger.  She's the one who convinces me to keep going even when I've been shot down.

So, I've come to the conclusion that I am not willing to sacrifice that little girl who wants to do good for the sake of adulthood and 'being strong'.  Ever.  Because real strength isn't in the confirming of how we've been wronged and rallying the troops for support.  Real strength is in the letting go, forgiving and moving on.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I Meet Him There

For most of my life I have been in a state of resistance.  That resistance lead to lots of pain, oodles of anxiety and more than enough stress and worry.

Last year I met a woman who was working in a retirement home kitchen part time, going to nursing school, raising her daughter and expecting a little one.  When I expressed how amazing I thought she was for doing all of these things, she replied "God tells me where to go and I meet Him there".

It was that moment, hearing those words that I realized where I had been going off track in my life.   At that point in my life I was very busy trying to make things happen on my own, I was experiencing failure and setbacks at breakneck speed and it was making me crazy.  I felt like a constant failure.

Sometimes trying to make things happen in life is like rubbing two wet sticks together hoping to create a fire.  It takes so much energy and rarely produces any results!

Over the past year I've been fortunate enough to experience many moments of allowing God to tell me where to meet Him.

Each time I am willing to let go of my control freak, Type A nature.  I am rewarded.

I used to think that strength and success came only if you were busting your ass to make things work.

Now I realize that most often true strength and true success comes from being patient enough to wait for God to tell you where to meet Him and then making your way in that direction.

The purpose of life isn't in the moments of strife and struggle, far from it.  The purpose of life and the happiness, success and abundance you seek is in the patient, quiet, serene moments.

I wish you a life full of the latter.