Saturday, December 12, 2009

Just the way I am

Something interesting happened to me yesterday.  I fell in love with myself!

This may sound kind of funny.  To some people it may sound selfish or arrogant.  But it's true and it feels really good feeling this way.

It probably wouldn't be such a big deal to finally fall in love with ME if it wasn't for the fact that my entire life I haven't really been comfortable with who I am, sure sometimes there were glimmers of "like" thrown in, but nothing like this.  I have always struggled with feeling unworthy of others love and affection. 

There are times in my life when I feel absolutely "in my zone".  Reiki is that time for me.  Also, when I'm experiencing or learning something new.  It's during these times that I feel completely on task and on purpose. 

But there have been many other times when I feel lonely, isolated, unworthy, unloved and invisible to the world.  Am I destined to just muddle through life?  Or is there another reason why I am the way I am?

Why do I feel uncomfortable working in a mainstream job?  Why do I behave the way I do around certain people?  Why do I network the way I do?  Why do I procrastinate to the point that it debilitates my business?  Why do I always feel like I need to prove myself to everyone?  Why do I seem to always travel the bumpiest paths?  Why do I feel unworthy of financial abundance?  Why am I comfortable living the life of a hermit?  Why do I feel guilty when I indulge in something that makes me feel good?  Why is it when I stop going to the gym and taking care of my body my life seems to stop moving? Why is it that I can't be happy just settling with one thing in life, why do I constantly seek something to learn and experience?  The list of why's goes on and on.

These questions and more were all answered for me yesterday when I took part in a hand analysis session with Rosemary Heenan of Heart Power Coaching.

Our hands contain each and every aspect about ourselves.  They are like our own personal road maps.  Each detail intricately woven into our fingers and palms.  Some things I learned we have the power to change, certain lines on our hands can change if we make enough changes to our lives.  For instance I have what's called a grid on my left hand that indicates starts and stops with regards to business/career and that makes sense because of my procrastination issues, but I wasn't born with that grid, I created it myself and I can remove it from my hand print if I choose to do so.

As I had my hand & finger prints analyzed and explained to me I quickly realized that my entire life has been exactly the way it has had to be.  Each characteristic of myself is who I really am.  I have spent years apologizing to people for being me.  Not that they needed an apology but I always felt like I wasn't good enough, that my strengths were my weaknesses.  Now I see that my strengths are my gifts and that there is nothing weak about me!

I also see that the lessons that were mapped out on my hand have been lovingly played out for the 37 years of my life.  Each person and experience has been placed in my life to shine a light on my purpose and my lessons to be learned.

Fascinating doesn't begin to describe this process.

I felt a great burden lift off of me yesterday.  There are so many things that I have been denying myself out of guilt, fear and lack of money all these years.  These are the very things though that my soul needs in order to fully evolve and be healthy!  Take for instance the fact that I have decided not to attend the gym for the past 4 weeks now because of lack of money for gas.  Our financial situation hasn't changed, I just decided this was a good move to "save" us some money (I seem to always worry about money), since I didn't need to go to the gym anyway.  I can see clearly that my life changed when I made that decision, and with each thought of putting the membership on hold to save even more money things seemed to get worse.  What I found out through my hand analysis is that self love is right at the top of my list when it comes to what my soul needs in order to survive.  Going to the gym translates into love of self and therefore opens me up to receiving abundance from the Universe because I am loving myself.  I can feel that this is my soul's truth, the information resonated within me and filled me up with the wisdom that when I make this slight change and honor my bodies needs I will once again be on track.

I feel as though I've been given permission to love myself!  To accept who I am on every level and be that person that I've been denying all these years.  The freedom of this knowledge is life giving!

We all know what our purpose is, it can be seen in our every day tasks that we love, it can be heard in small whispers if we are listening and everything Rosemary told me I already knew and had already been addressing in my life but the confirmation of the whole story is what made this experience something I will never forget.

And there was something else about this experience.  Making a print of my hand and then looking at it in black and white was awe inspiring!  We don't see the details in our hands when we look with our eyes, but when you see it in black and white the image that is in front of you is a work of art!  Our hand prints are a true divine work of art!  And if our hand prints are a divine work of art and hold all the information about who we are.....then doesn't that make US a divine work of art also?

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