Friday, April 16, 2010


The mystery of where the womanly libido disappears after marriage and kids has always intrigued me.

It's something I have struggled with myself for many years, as well as knowing many friends and acquaintances that experienced the same thing.

Please do not read on if you are squeamish about this topic.

For years I tried all sorts of medical treatments to try and "cure" my "problem". I labeled it Female Sexual Dysfunction (yes there is such a thing..), it was something I was ashamed and embarrassed about. To have to admit that I was not in the least bit interested in sex made me feel out of place, different, lonely and like something was really wrong with me, a sexual misfit.

I believe many women (and men) live a life of quiet desperation, trying to figure out what is "wrong" with them. They have tried every cream, gel, toy and libido enhancing gadget out there to re-awaken the passion that lives within them. I spent a few months on a testosterone supplement which made me feel crazy and animal-like. Did it enhance my libido, yes. But at what cost to the health of my liver? And it felt completely unnatural for me to be feeling that way.

These are my thoughts.

Sex is sex. It does not guarantee love, commitment or intimacy. It quite often does little more than serve the purpose of releasing pent up energy.

During my child bearing days I enjoyed physical closeness. I very much enjoyed the process of creating another human life. Once my last son was born that enjoyment left me when it came to the physical act of sex.

I believe that once we have fulfilled our commitment to procreate it is natural for a woman to no longer feel connected to the physical act of sex. For one thing we are consumed with the daily caring for and nurturing of our new child(ren). That is our new role. Our old role of pro-creator is dissolved and we have moved on to our new role.

I was considering how over the last 20 years or so we have seen an increase in the need for males to use medication to enhance their own libido. This is not a coincidence, as I believe over the past 20 years we've become more spiritually evolved, that is we've become closer to living in our natural state. The closer we get to our natural state of being the less we require physical sex to connect. We can do it in other ways, exercise, yoga and meditation to name a few.

Our human brains and society tell us that something is wrong because our body isn't working properly or we no longer have a desire for sex. But what if, what we experience at that point is completely natural and is a cue from mother nature that new ways of closeness need to be explored, that we have "outgrown" the physical and it is time to move into the realm of the soul.

When we move closer into our natural state of being it becomes easier for us to connect on a soul level. Some would call this intellectual sex because it often occurs during intimate conversation and closeness. But what it is, is the moment that your soul connects with another. Ultimately this is the true "sex", this is true connection. There is nothing like it in this world. It is a feeling of total freedom, bliss and joy, completeness and fulfillment.

I believe that as a society we focus too much on the physical. Imagine if along with sex education we taught our children about the truth of love and connection through the heart and not through the genitals?

Many people connect sex with love and if they are not receiving one they do not feel the other.

This is a misconception.

Consider that ancient tantric "sex" techniques and knowledge resurfaced close to the time when Viagra commercials became popular. Coincidence? I think not! Tantric sex is the art of synchronizing breath between two people for the purpose of higher connection, it may lead to more physical contact but that is not the original intention.

The need for tantric sex techniques arise when we reach a space in our spiritual evolution where the physical act of sex is no longer necessary, fulfilling or available to us.

We've all experienced a moment when we've had a thought or vision regarding our spouse/partner who was in another place at the time and feelings of joy, gratitude and desire filled us. In that moment we are unable to fulfill that desire physically and so we deal with that moment intellectually, through the intellectual heart. Many times that fleeting moment will come back to us and make us smile. This is "intellectual" sex, connection at a soul level.

It is when we make this connection at the soul level and then turn it into something purely physical that we run into trouble. Disconnect occurs because we place the expectation of sex onto it. There is no place or need for physical sex when connecting at the level of the soul.

Am I saying you need to give up your physical needs for gratification. Absolutely not! What I am saying is that to be incapable of taking part in physical sex is quite possibly just as natural as being capable and does not leave room for blame, excuses or shame.

(Of course there may be medical reasons for this incapability and I urge you to seek medical attention before you just chalk it up to spiritual evolution).

I realize there are people out there that truly do love the physical act of sex. However, there are a great many more who do not and are struggling with their confidence and their relationships because of it.

I offer you these thoughts as a way for you to reconcile with the pure genius that is your body and soul. It knows what it needs. Instead of pushing towards a solution, try sitting with the truth for a moment and see where that leads you.

1 comment:

  1. I can totally relate to this...good job girl!
    We definitely need to get together.


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