Sunday, March 1, 2015

Tea With The Queen

If I could have tea with anyone in the world who would I pick?

The Queen.

Not the Queen of England though.  The Queen of Me.

That part of myself that's been locked in a cage for decades.  The part of me I have denied and whom I now realize has all of the answers I need in order to feel complete.  If only I knew where I put the key to that damn cage!

This part of me knows how to be more sensual and eager for deeper intimate connections.  She knows what it feels like to be in love and let that love light up the world.  She knows how to sway as she walks gently and powerfully through life.  She knows.  She can help me.  We need to have tea and chat.

I've come to a phase in my life where I feel I've lost all sense of the woman that I be.  I feel as though I have lost the essence of that womanhood.

And maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist.  Maybe it's a simple matter of looking in the mirror and loving all that is there in front of me.  On my best days I do and I can.  It still feels as something is missing.

It feels as though there is a hollow space inside of me that is waiting to be inhabited.

This isn't the first time I've felt this way.  Last time I didn't know what I was seeking.  This time I know for sure.  I know that I want to reclaim my womanhood (whatever that really means).  I want to dance barefoot amongst the fireflies and feel my skirt brush against my bare legs when I twirl.  I want to play with abandon and laugh.  I want to laugh and sing and make love like there is nothing else in the world left to do.

My husband is always telling me about the wonderful ways in which I am the perfect woman for him. 

I tease that I think he's blind and deaf.  It makes me cry.  In these moments I feel as though I'm alone on an island and no one is looking for me.  I feel as though I will starve to death in the waiting.

This morning I was sharing all of this with my husband.  I was crying and telling him that I think I am afraid of the part of me that holds this power.  What will happen when I unleash it?  What will life look like?  Will it be too much glorious life for me?  Am I worthy of it?

Only time will tell.  Though one thing is for sure.  I am looking forward to answering those questions.

Now where did I put that damned key?

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