My Miracle

Checking my emails this morning, I came across an article entitled "Discover a Momentary Miracle".

The timing of this article was absolutely perfect (of course!) as I had just come in the house after walking home from Yoga class.  I decided this morning that I would walk to the nearest coffee shop, grab myself a Chai tea and head to the lake to sit and enjoy the sunshine and the singing birds.  I didn't stay long, I didn't have to; I was filled up with appreciation for my life in that small moment of giving myself permission to just be for a while.

As I felt this appreciation, I was reminded of a time when I didn't feel joyful about my life.  A time when I felt burdened by motherhood and the list of self afflicted "shoulds".  My inner struggle sounded alot like "do I stay home to raise my kids or do I go out to work?"  I felt like my true calling was to be home with my children and nurture them and at the same time I felt guilty for not going out to work and earn extra money so that we could enjoy a little more freedom.  This struggle lead to a host of health problems, IBS, depression and anxiety.

Being reminded of this past situation I felt even more appreciative of my life.  I realized how far I have come personally and how much I value each and every moment of my life as a stay at home mom and entrepreneur!

My momentary miracle today is that I understand what it means to really live, Jenn style!  No more living for someone else, or by someone else's expectations of me.  No more inner struggles of "should I or shouldn't I".  No more questionning the direction of my heart.  No more apologizing for who I am.

Even if you are living your darkest moments, I believe you can find a momentary miracle.  Because; like the article states: "Today holds the chance to build new dreams, achieve new successes, and show new kindnesses."

What is your momentary miracle?

That was then... This is now!

one of the many roads it takes to get into the cottage 

Imagine. 

A quiet, cozy cottage nestled deep in the forests of Northern Ontario, overlooking a serene lake where the only noise you can hear is the dropping of the leaves from the trees.  Smoke rising from the chimney throughout the day.  Warm tea, a snuggly blanket and a good book.

This is where I spent my time these last 7 days.



We finally decided this was the year we would do something we've been wanting to do for some time now, spend Thanksgiving weekend at the cottage.

the view from the canoe

The weather was absolutely perfect.  The boys caught tons of fish each night they went out and had a ton of fun hunting down unsuspecting wood grouse (only to either not get a shot in or miss them completely when they did get one).  They get their desire to hunt, as well as their complete lack of aiming skills from their father.  {smile}  I managed to digest 5 books in the 7 days I lounged under my cozy blanket, complete bliss in my world.

I remember a time when I didn't enjoy this space as much as I do now.

Actually, for much of 13 years I suffered severe anxiety about being in the fabulous North.  Weird...  But not really....

My anxiety had to do with a combination of things.  Mainly I didn't like being alone.  Let me correct that, because I wasn't "alone", I didn't like being with MYSELF.  There were many times that my husband would be off doing a chore or indulging in a bit of fishing and I would be left at the cottage by myself and I would literally panic.  It began to be a problem when I would anticipate being alone and my anxiety would grow before we even left our driveway at home!

I realized this week as I journalled about my feelings now versus my feelings then and I realized some of my anxiety was also about me wanting things to be different than they were.  The anxiety and panic were my way (subconsciously) of trying to change my situation through forcing it to change.

That didn't work out as well as I had "subconsciously" planned.

The panic got worse, spilled over into every day life and had me thinking I would need to be medicated in order to function as a "normal" person, especially if I was to go on vacation.

a yummy treat

3 years ago we ventured into the North for our family vacation and I spent an entire week without one panic attack.

I do remember how wonderful it felt to be able to enjoy such serenity and time with  my family without having to constantly cry or throw up!

I wish I knew what I did differently.  In reflection I don't think it's anything that can be written down or handed out as advice.  I think I just grew into a space of no longer needing to control life.  I know for certain in the past 3 years I finally started to love myself and I gave my permission to just be, whatever that looked like in the moment I promised myself I would be okay with it and stop judging myself for it.

It seemed the minute I came to those conclusions within myself the anxiety/panic was deflated.  It no longer held any power over me.

So this trip (as with each trip over the past 3 years) I was filled with an overflowing sense of gratitude.  Not only because am well enough to enjoy it all, also because I appreciate how wonderful it is to have what we have.

Life is good.

A perfect kind of day

Today has been a GREAT day!

It's the kind of day when your happy to lay your head down on your pillow at bedtime, not because you need to escape from the craziness but because you feel fulfilled at what was accomplished.

For me the day included Reflexology and Reiki with 2 dear friends; finding cheap hockey equipment for my boys on kijiji and taking the boys and the dog for a walk to the beach for some splashing around while the sun slowly disappeared over the horizon.

Perfect.

This is the type of thing I've been noticing lately about life.

Even during our 2 week trip to our cottage I found myself just standing and staring at the beauty of the water and the trees. I would catch myself holding my breath to listen to the loons calling or the mysterious rustling in the leaves. Even the buzzing moose flies were a wonder to me.

Normally I would be busying myself with something the boys needed, or immersed in a book (although I did do alot of reading this trip) drowning out life, but this time was so different. It almost seemed magical.

That feeling of appreciation has carried over into "normal" life since we've been back. Even the gloomiest of situations in our home seem to cast a different light. There seems to be a greater awareness of what is at work underneath the surface.

I'm not quite sure how all of this came to be, I'm not sure if what is happening will be a consistent thing. So, for the time being I will bathe in it, because it is exactly where I want to live every moment of my life. It feels so good....