"It's okay to not feel like yourself."
This is what the voice inside my head keeps telling me these days.
As I sleep and sleep and sleep.
And still when I am awake and walking and talking. I feel like I am still asleep. I feel like there are no organs inside of me. No heart pumping vitality to the rest of my body, no breath releasing old energy and bringing in new.
I've managed to set up distractions so that I don't feel completely useless during the day.
I think if I keep myself busy, the emptiness will go away.
And then it returns, with the setting of the sun and the bedtime kisses.
This is one of those tell tale moments of personal growth. What I would call a "doozy" of a lesson that's being learned. And yet I do not consciously know what is being taught. It's all being done at a level I cannot grasp in this moment. Like a curtain has been put up to keep me from viewing the scene.
The only way my body can translate all the "work" that is being undertaken is to tell me that I am tired. That I need to lay down and rest. That I need to only concern myself with taking the next breath.
In....Out....In....Out.... Like the ebb and flow of the river lapping against the shoreline.
Just breathe and one day...POOF...I will see what has been learned, I will have the clarity that I pray for. I will see the light.