All I know...

I just stepped onto the bus when my son said "Mom, you need to sit with him".  He was directing his request to a boy that was sitting alone behind the seat that he was in.

We were on our way to a field trip and all the kids were snickering as I sat next to this boy.

I introduced myself to this boy and he seemed really nice.  We talked about the production we were about to go see.  He told me that they had already watched the Phantom of the Opera movie and I explained I had only ever heard some of the music, had never really had the opportunity to see either the movie or the theatre performance.

We chatted some more about the book he was reading.  Diary of a Wimpy Kid.  My boys loved those books.  He told me a bit about how he really is enjoying the 'do it yourself' version of the series where he can write his own stories.

We have something in common.  A friend. 
That's when I knew why I was sitting with this boy.

He turned to me and said "My dad's girlfriend was pregnant and the baby died forty five minutes after she was born".

I asked him how he felt about it.  He said he was sad.  They were all ready to receive this new baby into their family and now there's all this baby stuff and no baby to use it.

That's when I told him I knew exactly how he felt.  I shared in small detail my own son's death.  I told him it's a hard thing to go through but that one day he will see just how important that baby was even though she didn't live a very long life.

The kids around me were quick to point out  this boys' flaws.  One girl said he yelled out in the hallway that he liked her hair and thought she was pretty (I can think of worse things he could've yelled).  She turned up her nose in that way girls do and said "I don't like him, I don't want to be his girlfriend".  Another boy gave me a look like "you poor thing, you have to sit beside him" and then proceeded to tell me what this boy has done in his 'past'. 

I turned to them both and I said "It doesn't matter to me what he has done or how you feel about him.  He seems really nice and we're having a good conversation".

He sat next to me in the theatre too.  At intermission he bought himself a bag of chips and a candy bar of which was confiscated by a teacher.  It didn't matter that myself and every other kid had some form of snack in their hand, he wasn't allowed to have his, he was told he wasn't allowed to buy anything (despite the fact that there were vendors walking up and down the aisle selling snacks!).

Why do we do this to kids?  Why do we label them bad because they have made some poor choices. 

At 11 years old this boy most likely doesn't feel he has an option but to behave in the way that he does.  Some of his behaviour is most likely a survival mechanism.  Should he be shamed because he is simply trying to survive?

Our children are not born 'bad' or 'disruptive' or 'dangerous'.  They are taught to believe that these behaviours are acceptable.

My son said to me "Mom, he just doesn't have a very nice home life". 

I am so glad I got to be the one to sit in that seat next to him today.  I'm so glad that I got the opportunity to be the one that God wanted that boy to experience today.

I don't know his whole story.  I don't know the trouble he has caused.  I don't know the truth of the situation.  All I know is that he is a boy, a human being who deserves respect and love because we all deserve respect and love.

That's all I know.

Have we all lost our minds????

So Sunday morning I open up my facebook to see a picture of a woman standing next to her son.  Her son is wearing a big sign that says "I lie, I steal, I sell drugs, I don't follow the law".

A local media guy was going to be presenting this story on his morning radio show and was asking what listeners thought about it.  His question "Are we too soft on our kids?"

This mom from Indiana is fed up with her 14 year old son's nasty behaviour (no doubt).  She says that when he's caught by authorities all he gets is a few hours of community service and she feels that punishment hasn't been enough since he hasn't changed his ways.
So, this story for me was shocking enough.  I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams no matter how badly my boys behaved putting a sign on them to shame and humiliate them into behaving better.

But then I read all of the comments by local followers, condoning this parental behaviour.  In fact going so far as to cheer this mother on, saying that our kids are 'too soft' these days, that the child deserves what he's getting, on and on and on.  Really? 

These might be the same parents that go to the school when their child is being bullied and take it out on staff.  Adopting kind of a 'no one else can bully my child but me' attitude.

As for the 'our children are too soft' comments.  Really?  Our children spend their days dodging bullies on playgrounds (and within their homes) and playing video games like Grand Theft Auto.  The lyrics to the songs they love promote violence, hate, racism and degradation.  The television shows they watch are putrid and further condone bullying and teasing of others and some of our kids are experiencing their friends taking their lives!

Too soft?  I think not!  If anything I think our children are in crisis and who is going to change this around if every parent in the world thinks that they need more humiliation and desensitization?

I shared this story with a friend who is a very talented, very caring child and  youth worker in the public school system and she said to me "and we wonder why we have a bullying epidemic".

Let me make this clear to you all.  Children are not born 'bad' they are not born with behaviours we don't appreciate.  They are born ready and willing to learn and guess who they are learning from?  You guessed it!  YOU!  If a child chooses behaviours that are out of this world nasty they are doing it because it's been shown to them and/or there is a deeper reason for it.  They are seeking something.  Usually they are seeking acceptance and love from the people in their lives.

I would love to poll the parents who responded to that facebook article and ask them how many of them have loving, strong relationships with their parents.  My guess is that very few of them do and even more, the reason would be that their parents shamed and humiliated them at some point in their lives and didn't accept and love them the way they needed.

I have taught children non-violent alternatives to bullying, peaceful thought practices for well over 10 years and everytime I see the light in these kids eyes turn on!  When we empower our children they make choices that enhance their lives.  When we degrade and humiliate our children they turn to other ways to get their needs met.  Simple as that.

I can't imagine how that boy felt, standing there with his head hung in shame.  I can't imagine the pain that he feels on a daily basis or how he is going to take that out on his future family or if he will even make it that far.

I think it's time we re-evaluate our positions as parents or the world is going to further into hell in a handbasket.

I Love Touchy Subjects.....

I love touchy subjects, don't you?

I love them because of the uproar they cause.  I love them because they tend to dredge up emotions that otherwise wouldn't be acknowledged.  They go to the root of all hurt and pain and allow us the opportunity to take out a mirror and see exactly what this subject does to us.

The touchy subject of the day is Christmas.

Oh yes, you knew this was coming.

Personally, I am not a fan.  I think it's WAY over rated. 

Yes, I put up my tree and I trim it with decorations.  I have even spent years making it a big deal for my kids because I like to be a hypocrite that way.

I also allow others to enjoy the holidays the way they wish to enjoy them.  No matter what their cultural, religious background is, you won't hear me bad mouth other traditions.  And you definitely won't hear me defend my 'right' as a Canadian to keep "Merry Christmas" in our language.

Right around the middle of November I start getting forwarded emails urging me to share the message that we as Canadians should not be forced to stop saying "Merry Christmas" because it might hurt the feelings of immigrants that have come to our country to live.  That if they don't like it they can go back to their country.

I hate getting these emails.  I never forward them and to be honest I question the integrity of the person sending them.  It's hatred and bullying and it's disturbing.

Has everyone gone mad?

Let's review...

What is Christmas?  What is the 'reason for the season'?

Christ was born (apparently...  that's a whole other blog post). 

What did Christ stand for?  Love, compassion, equality for everyone. 

What does Christ want for us?  To love one another unconditionally, to embrace our differences and learn from eachother (I'm guessing here).

So if you are so hell bent on celebrating Christmas the way Christmas 'is meant to be celebrated' then I suggest doing away with the intolerant messages, stop centering people out because they won't conform to our culture and traditions. 

Didn't we all learn how to play nice and get along in Kindergarten?

For me, it is the intention of the holiday that matters.  If your heart is speaking "Merry Christmas" and is living in the space of love and acceptance that Christ taught, then what does it matter if we get to say it out loud?  What does it matter if our kids get to sing proper Christmas carols in school or not.  What does it matter if stores announce "holiday sales" instead of "Christmas sales"?

Personally, I see more people concerned about one upping last years gifts than they are about what the season really means.  They have no problem pushing and shoving their way to the latest gadgets only to yell at the staff because they don't have the color they wanted.

Grow up people.  Show your true Christmas spirit!

Always learning something

There are so many wonderful perks to being a mentor to a young girl. 

Of course one of them is spending one hour of quality time per week, painting, drawing, sculpting with play-doh, shooting hoops and playing board games.  All of these things I don't slow down enough at home to enjoy.  I love that I come home with glitter glue on my shirt sleeve or dried play-doh stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

And of course being a positive influence for a young girl, sharing one on one time, helping her to realize how special and important she is in this world feels amazing!

I was told by many that being a mentor would benefit the child immensely, but that it would change my life forever.  I experienced that on the first day of meeting her, I felt so blessed to have the time and opportunity to be a positive influence to a young girl, and the sense that greater changes are to come hasn't lessened at all.

Being a mentor to this young lady puts me in a space of extreme responsibility.  To myself.  Watching her interact with her sister and other kids reminds me of when I was that age.  Unsure of myself, quiet and accomodating.

A time when it wasn't odd to be called names, teased about my size and made to feel like a complete waste of earthly space.

When I see her reactions to certain people I can feel that emotion that lives inside of me.  That still scared little girl.  That little girl who is so afraid that someone will notice yet one more thing that is wrong with her.  Who feels obligated to nurture and please others before she nurtures herself (if nurturing herself was even an idea to be entertained in the first place).

That little girl scared to say what she really feels, afraid to lose the affection and 'love' of the people around her.

The self abuse, self judgement and self criticism inflicted on this inner child has left scars so big I'm surprised they can't be seen by the rest of the world.  Except, if I really honest about it, they can be seen if you're looking close enough.

They can be seen in the way I disconnect when I feel someone getting too close.  I'd rather be alone than run the risk of failing someone and losing their love.  They can be seen in my need to be perfect, maybe not so much in the cleanliness of my home anymore, but definitely in other areas of my life.  These scars affect my weight and eating habits too.

This mentoring role seems to be shining a spotlight on the things I thought I had handled pretty nicely at the time, but that I'm finding I had just put into a closet and walked away from.  It's helping me understand more deeply what makes me tick and how much more I need to forgive myself than anyone else.

So it's true.  Becoming a mentor will most likely change my life more than it will change the child's life. 

Because, it already has.

The "B" word....

** I offer you my sincerest apologies for the length of this post.  The topic of bullying came up for me this morning and I felt it was worth posting my thoughts, with the new school year well under way our children are once again experiencing bullying on the playground.  My perception of this issue is my own and I do not expect anyone else to agree with me.  This is a touchy subject with parents all over the world and I respect everyone's ideals and beliefs about it. **

I'm sure we've all had an occasion where we've dealt with a bully in our lives, and watching our children go through it can be excruciating and we often don't know how to approach the issue.

As a parent of children who have experienced bullying in the school, I think it's important to first keep an open mind.  When your child comes through the door after a day at school and unloads all the stuff that made him uncomfortable about the day, take the time to ask some important questions to try and sift through what may be your child's insecurities and not a bullying issue at all.

My middle son used to come home and say to me "everybody at school hates me!"  I would then ask him "who is everybody?"  After some investigation, I would find that there was one child specifically who made it his duty to create conflict everyday with him, would work towards getting other kids to join in the conflict and make him feel like everyone disliked him.  To a child who just wants acceptance from other children, it is easy to get caught up in the feeling that "everybody hates me".  We do it as adults as well.  It's our ego's way of filling us with more fear and insecurity about ourselves.

I didn't "poo poo" his statement about everyone hating him, I questioned it.  I questioned why he felt the way he did.  I questioned what happened to bring about the supposed hate he was feeling.  I question everything until I got to the heart of the matter, which usually always turns out to be an insecurity that my son is nurturing in the moment.

I also let my children know from the beginning that I am interested in only the truth of the situation.  That I am not interested in embellishments or twists in wording.  Just the simple truth and the facts so that I can guide them to a solution that will be most effective.  When you are engaged in this kind of conversation with your child you can usually pick up on the subtle queues they are giving to indicate they are not being completely honest either in what their role was in the situation or the role of others.

My boys also know that I am not the kind of parent that will run to the first school official or parent to unleash a wrath of anger and assumptions (however tempting that sometimes is).  I work to give them the tools they need to deal with the situation themselves (we have yet to have a circumstance where parental intervention is required, they have been quite capable of handling it themselves with support from myself and my husband.  If it were to escalate I would certainly step in, of course with documentation of what has transpired in the past).

By taking these steps I am providing my children with the necessary skills to dig deeper into a situation to find a solution without over reacting to it.  I am allowing them to become more aware and to learn from their peer group.  I am also allowing them to take responsibility for their relationships, something they will definitely need to know how to do in the future.

What I find has happened over the years is that the term "bullying" has been used to describe everything from physical threats to emotional abuse to a simple disagreement between children.

So what is bullying really?  Bullying Canada describes bullying as "someone who hurts or scares another person on purpose and the person being bullied has a hard time defending themselves".  I will add that it is usually directed at a someone the bully feels is weaker than they are and is a consistent ongoing behaviour with the bully, it is not a random act.  A true bullying situation demoralizes and alienates the person being bullied and has lasting emotional effects on the "victim".

Not every situation that your child encounters that makes him uncomfortable is a bullying situation. 

Bullies have an agenda.  It is always in their best interest to manipulate another person, beit another child or a even their own parent. 

I don't agree that bullying build character and that children should just "suck it up" and I never inform my boys to do this.

What I have learned over the years is that despite well intentioned educators, the children who are being bullied are largely ignored when they submit a complaint about another child.  A reason for this is that the bully is often a repeat offender and the parents are unresponsive to phone calls home and disciplinary action that needs to be taken and so the bully is given more power and is able to continue with his destructive behaviour.  This is when I decided to coach my children and to give them a safe place to talk about their feelings and dig deeper into what can be done to alleviate the problem.

For example, my own children have made a decision to no longer associate with a boy in the neighbourhood because this boy decided that one day he would carry a utility knife "for protection from people who are mean to him".  They decided to tell this boy that they would no longer be riding their bikes to school with him or spending time with him after school because they felt uncomfortable around him.

This was not the first time my boys had been in an uncomfortable position with this boy, and had on countless occasions witnessed him manipulating, criticizing and demeaning another neighbourhood boy.

This boy went home to his mother and told his mother that my sons were being mean to him and that they were bullying him.  We've known this family for years and have known about this boys tendencies for a while now.  The mother confronted my sons without my knowledge or permission while they were playing with friends.

This mother is not doing her son any favours.  She is actually enabling her son in his sociopathic behaviour.

It's important as parents to recognize our children's tendencies.  It is important to learn more about how they interact with other children, pay attention to conversations they have, how they respond to others and how they deal with conflict.

It can be as easy as listening at the window when your children are outside playing with friends.

By doing just this I learned that my youngest son likes things his way, he likes to have everyone playing a part when they play.  Other children will often go off and play at something else when he gets a little too obsessive about it and he ends up playing on his own.  Eventually he will learn how to play in a more balanced way because he will experience this over and over again, this is how children learn to be social.  If I stepped in and cleared things up or instructed the other children to play his way, I would be enabling his behaviour and he would never learn to socialize "properly" and he wouldn't be a someone anyone would want to associate with.

If this particular mother were to better understand her son, she could effectively help him to realize why he feels the need to intimidate and demoralize other children.  The other children he is involved with are trying to teach him proper socialization and she is standing in the way of this natural process and growth.

Helping our children through these times is not easy, we have to be diligent with every opportunity and we have to be respectful of everyone involved.

This is not an easy thing to do.  It is not easy to let go and let our children learn through their peer group.  It is not easy to take a good hard look at our beloved child and see that they are struggling and need help.

However, we MUST confidently step into what is not easy to effect positive change in our children's world.

The self empowerment lesson within bullying

Recently we have been having some challenges with our son. He has withdrawn from the family quite a bit, spends hours on the phone (although, not unusual for a teenager), he is disrespectful and rude at every turn to his brothers, to his father and myself. He is not eating with us as a family and he is doing poorly in school. When he gets angry he shouts death threats.

Don't get me wrong, I totally get that teenagers are temperamental and are more interested in their social lives than anything else, however, my son's behaviour has become completely opposite to his natural character and that raises some red flags for me.

We had an incident a couple of evenings ago that prompted a conversation about his behaviour and where it was coming from. He finally admitted that the group of people he hangs around with at school are abusive towards him.

My son is one of the smaller members of the group and so is targeted as the one that gets pushed around, knocked over and tripped repeatedly throughout his day. He is also someone who just wants to be liked and accepted within his circle of friends, so he is for the most part accepting the treatment so that he will be liked. He expressed to me that he hates going to school and that it is really hard for him to focus during the day with all of this on his mind.

I completely understood where he was coming from because I endured the same treatment in public and high school.

My son's behaviour at home was mirroring how he is treated at school. His aggression towards his brothers comes from a need to release built up energy surrounding the circumstances with his friends.

When children (or adults for that matter) behave in a way that compromises another persons integrity and self esteem, they are simply acting out an experience they are having somewhere else in their life that mirrors the situation they are creating with others.

Many schools engage in "anti-bullying" programs. These programs place emphasis on bullying only. They do nothing to strengthen the self esteem and confidence of the children. The key to eliminating the cycle of bullying behaviour comes from empowering the children, not focusing on the behaviour itself.

My middle son has endured bullying behaviour since junior kindergarten. Every afternoon he met me at the door with tears because someone had done something upsetting towards him, we would sit down and discuss what the issue was, usually it was something like the other boy didn't like his hair, clothes, lunch, etc. and since my children all dress themselves, make their own lunches and choose their own hair styles these were personal issues for my son.

I would tell my son everyday. If someone doesn't like your clothes you need to ask yourself "do I like my clothes?". If the answer is yes then everything is good. If the answer is no then you have a problem, but you do not have a problem until you answer no to your own question. I know he used this on multiple occasions and learned that his opinion of himself is the only one that mattered. We even came up with a theme song that would empower him when he heard it.

He is now in grade 7. He said to me the other day "you know Mom, I love all the kids that I hang around with, we have so much fun and we really support one another, it is so nice. And the "cool" kids that were bullying us before don't have a large group anymore, my friends and I have the largest group in our class. It's funny how that turned out". He is acutely aware that the change in his reaction to the behaviour diffused the situation and he has come out on top.

I coached my son to self-empowerment and he defeated the bullying behaviour. It was a rough few years of doing this with many setbacks and triumphs. He was a willing participant and was seeking change, I believe that all children (and adults) can be coached in this way, they can be coached to look for answers within themselves first to determine how they are feeling about the situation.

When we find ourselves within a bullying situation we rarely look into ourselves because we fear that we will find that the person offering insults or who are questioning our right to be who we are, are right in what they are saying. We feel like they have the inside scoop and their behaviour fuels our limiting beliefs about ourselves.

We all have the right to be who we are. We all have the right to a life filled with the support and love of our friends and family. And our children have the right to become self-empowered.