Harder than it looks...

Yesterday was a day of extreme emotion.

It started with laughter, light hearted fun and connectedness.  It ended with tears of pain and sorrow.

We knew there was a video of the attack on my son.  It hit YouTube late last night.

Have you ever watched your son get beat by a boy that has no respect for himself or anyone else?

It's sickening, heartbreaking, body numbing.  And it takes your breath away but not in one of those "oh what a beautiful mountain" ways, more like a "oh my God, that's my son being kicked in the ribs and I can't do anything to stop it from happening" way.

It's an extremely vulnerable place to be.

I watched that video (YouTube removed it) and felt defeated for a time.  I've done everything I can to empower my children and here was one of them, being beaten down and I watched with my hands tied because I can't turn back the clock.

Earlier this week I made the decision to recommit to focusing my energy on non-violent empowerment for youth.  I had been doing it for years and then my focus turned to other things.  After viewing multiple videos regarding bullying and watching the Gandhi movie a couple of weekends ago.  I realized that change must happen.  Bullies aren't going to go away.  But empowering youth to do the right thing in a bullying situation, teaching them to stand firm in their belief in themselves and nurturing self confidence can make a huge difference in how many lives bullying destroys. 

Yesterday's events confirmed my passion for this topic.

And while I felt defeated, one thing truly stood out while I watched that video.  Not once did my son fight back.  Now I know most parents would want their child to protect and defend themselves.  My son knew there was no reason for violence, he hadn't done anything wrong and was happy to walk away and hope this kid settled down.  He was pulled down.  Punched and kicked, all the while saying "I'm not going to fight you".  He stayed in his integrity, he stood firm in his values and morals that violence is not the answer.

In the moment it might look like cowardice to some.  But to me I see strength, resilience and courage. 

God!  That's amazing!

As my son was trying to convince me to let him stay home from school today I explained to him that if something happens at school, if he is hit again, or hurt again I will do the same thing I did yesterday, today.  I will report the behaviour one by one by one for as long as I have to do that until someone gets the picture that we've all had enough of this bullshit.

This is all much harder that it looks by the way.

Standing Up!

I don't even know if I should blog about this or if I am 'allowed' to.  But I just can't keep it to myself.  So here it is.

Today, while visiting with a friend I got a phone call.

It was my son. 

His voice shaking. 

"Mom.....can you come and get me?"

He wouldn't tell me what was wrong and totally melted down when I got him into the truck.

He had been assaulted on his way home from school by a kid who apparently was purposely following him because he talked to a girl that this other kid liked.  This kid was accompanied by many others.  One who video'd the entire attack on his cell phone.

He was grabbed by the neck, thrown to the ground, punched in the neck and kicked in the ribs repeatedly.

He got away when one of the friends he was walking with interjected and ran into a nearby public school for safety.

I looked at my son.  And I said to him "we have to go to the police".  I knew he wouldn't want to.  What kid wants to go talk to police about just getting beat up?  My gut was telling me to help him stand up and show him that there are ways to empower yourself in the face of violence.  You don't fight back with force, you fight back with your brains and hopefully by taking the proper steps you help someone to change their ways and live a better life as well.

He was so embarassed by the attack that he just wanted to go home.  I asked him if going home would help him feel empowered and in control of his life.  He said 'no'.  I asked him if he thought going home and doing nothing would end this inappropriate violence.  He said 'no' again.

We headed to the OPP and spoke with an officer who was extremely comforting to my son and commended him on his courage for standing up for himself in this way.  She gave him tips on how to handle any situations that might arise and that she would notify school officials as soon as possible so that they could also be aware of the situation at hand.

As we left the station, I could feel his relief and I asked him how he felt.  He looked at me and he said "I feel good."  And I answered "That's because you just did something really good, you stood up for yourself, you empowered yourself instead of letting this boy beat you down."

Do I think this is the end of it.  No.

Do I hope that it is.  Yes

If we do nothing, nothing changes. 

I didn't go to the OPP arms raised yelling and screaming about the unfairness of life.  I let my son talk to an officer and I only spoke when asked a question.  She discussed options rationally and fairly.  He was given the opportunity to see that there are processes in place that can help him and keep him safe. 

This is how you teach your child to take responsibility for their safety.  I am so glad that I have learned this over the years.  I am so glad that I am able to share this with my son.  I am so glad he is safe!

The "B" word....

** I offer you my sincerest apologies for the length of this post.  The topic of bullying came up for me this morning and I felt it was worth posting my thoughts, with the new school year well under way our children are once again experiencing bullying on the playground.  My perception of this issue is my own and I do not expect anyone else to agree with me.  This is a touchy subject with parents all over the world and I respect everyone's ideals and beliefs about it. **

I'm sure we've all had an occasion where we've dealt with a bully in our lives, and watching our children go through it can be excruciating and we often don't know how to approach the issue.

As a parent of children who have experienced bullying in the school, I think it's important to first keep an open mind.  When your child comes through the door after a day at school and unloads all the stuff that made him uncomfortable about the day, take the time to ask some important questions to try and sift through what may be your child's insecurities and not a bullying issue at all.

My middle son used to come home and say to me "everybody at school hates me!"  I would then ask him "who is everybody?"  After some investigation, I would find that there was one child specifically who made it his duty to create conflict everyday with him, would work towards getting other kids to join in the conflict and make him feel like everyone disliked him.  To a child who just wants acceptance from other children, it is easy to get caught up in the feeling that "everybody hates me".  We do it as adults as well.  It's our ego's way of filling us with more fear and insecurity about ourselves.

I didn't "poo poo" his statement about everyone hating him, I questioned it.  I questioned why he felt the way he did.  I questioned what happened to bring about the supposed hate he was feeling.  I question everything until I got to the heart of the matter, which usually always turns out to be an insecurity that my son is nurturing in the moment.

I also let my children know from the beginning that I am interested in only the truth of the situation.  That I am not interested in embellishments or twists in wording.  Just the simple truth and the facts so that I can guide them to a solution that will be most effective.  When you are engaged in this kind of conversation with your child you can usually pick up on the subtle queues they are giving to indicate they are not being completely honest either in what their role was in the situation or the role of others.

My boys also know that I am not the kind of parent that will run to the first school official or parent to unleash a wrath of anger and assumptions (however tempting that sometimes is).  I work to give them the tools they need to deal with the situation themselves (we have yet to have a circumstance where parental intervention is required, they have been quite capable of handling it themselves with support from myself and my husband.  If it were to escalate I would certainly step in, of course with documentation of what has transpired in the past).

By taking these steps I am providing my children with the necessary skills to dig deeper into a situation to find a solution without over reacting to it.  I am allowing them to become more aware and to learn from their peer group.  I am also allowing them to take responsibility for their relationships, something they will definitely need to know how to do in the future.

What I find has happened over the years is that the term "bullying" has been used to describe everything from physical threats to emotional abuse to a simple disagreement between children.

So what is bullying really?  Bullying Canada describes bullying as "someone who hurts or scares another person on purpose and the person being bullied has a hard time defending themselves".  I will add that it is usually directed at a someone the bully feels is weaker than they are and is a consistent ongoing behaviour with the bully, it is not a random act.  A true bullying situation demoralizes and alienates the person being bullied and has lasting emotional effects on the "victim".

Not every situation that your child encounters that makes him uncomfortable is a bullying situation. 

Bullies have an agenda.  It is always in their best interest to manipulate another person, beit another child or a even their own parent. 

I don't agree that bullying build character and that children should just "suck it up" and I never inform my boys to do this.

What I have learned over the years is that despite well intentioned educators, the children who are being bullied are largely ignored when they submit a complaint about another child.  A reason for this is that the bully is often a repeat offender and the parents are unresponsive to phone calls home and disciplinary action that needs to be taken and so the bully is given more power and is able to continue with his destructive behaviour.  This is when I decided to coach my children and to give them a safe place to talk about their feelings and dig deeper into what can be done to alleviate the problem.

For example, my own children have made a decision to no longer associate with a boy in the neighbourhood because this boy decided that one day he would carry a utility knife "for protection from people who are mean to him".  They decided to tell this boy that they would no longer be riding their bikes to school with him or spending time with him after school because they felt uncomfortable around him.

This was not the first time my boys had been in an uncomfortable position with this boy, and had on countless occasions witnessed him manipulating, criticizing and demeaning another neighbourhood boy.

This boy went home to his mother and told his mother that my sons were being mean to him and that they were bullying him.  We've known this family for years and have known about this boys tendencies for a while now.  The mother confronted my sons without my knowledge or permission while they were playing with friends.

This mother is not doing her son any favours.  She is actually enabling her son in his sociopathic behaviour.

It's important as parents to recognize our children's tendencies.  It is important to learn more about how they interact with other children, pay attention to conversations they have, how they respond to others and how they deal with conflict.

It can be as easy as listening at the window when your children are outside playing with friends.

By doing just this I learned that my youngest son likes things his way, he likes to have everyone playing a part when they play.  Other children will often go off and play at something else when he gets a little too obsessive about it and he ends up playing on his own.  Eventually he will learn how to play in a more balanced way because he will experience this over and over again, this is how children learn to be social.  If I stepped in and cleared things up or instructed the other children to play his way, I would be enabling his behaviour and he would never learn to socialize "properly" and he wouldn't be a someone anyone would want to associate with.

If this particular mother were to better understand her son, she could effectively help him to realize why he feels the need to intimidate and demoralize other children.  The other children he is involved with are trying to teach him proper socialization and she is standing in the way of this natural process and growth.

Helping our children through these times is not easy, we have to be diligent with every opportunity and we have to be respectful of everyone involved.

This is not an easy thing to do.  It is not easy to let go and let our children learn through their peer group.  It is not easy to take a good hard look at our beloved child and see that they are struggling and need help.

However, we MUST confidently step into what is not easy to effect positive change in our children's world.

The self empowerment lesson within bullying

Recently we have been having some challenges with our son. He has withdrawn from the family quite a bit, spends hours on the phone (although, not unusual for a teenager), he is disrespectful and rude at every turn to his brothers, to his father and myself. He is not eating with us as a family and he is doing poorly in school. When he gets angry he shouts death threats.

Don't get me wrong, I totally get that teenagers are temperamental and are more interested in their social lives than anything else, however, my son's behaviour has become completely opposite to his natural character and that raises some red flags for me.

We had an incident a couple of evenings ago that prompted a conversation about his behaviour and where it was coming from. He finally admitted that the group of people he hangs around with at school are abusive towards him.

My son is one of the smaller members of the group and so is targeted as the one that gets pushed around, knocked over and tripped repeatedly throughout his day. He is also someone who just wants to be liked and accepted within his circle of friends, so he is for the most part accepting the treatment so that he will be liked. He expressed to me that he hates going to school and that it is really hard for him to focus during the day with all of this on his mind.

I completely understood where he was coming from because I endured the same treatment in public and high school.

My son's behaviour at home was mirroring how he is treated at school. His aggression towards his brothers comes from a need to release built up energy surrounding the circumstances with his friends.

When children (or adults for that matter) behave in a way that compromises another persons integrity and self esteem, they are simply acting out an experience they are having somewhere else in their life that mirrors the situation they are creating with others.

Many schools engage in "anti-bullying" programs. These programs place emphasis on bullying only. They do nothing to strengthen the self esteem and confidence of the children. The key to eliminating the cycle of bullying behaviour comes from empowering the children, not focusing on the behaviour itself.

My middle son has endured bullying behaviour since junior kindergarten. Every afternoon he met me at the door with tears because someone had done something upsetting towards him, we would sit down and discuss what the issue was, usually it was something like the other boy didn't like his hair, clothes, lunch, etc. and since my children all dress themselves, make their own lunches and choose their own hair styles these were personal issues for my son.

I would tell my son everyday. If someone doesn't like your clothes you need to ask yourself "do I like my clothes?". If the answer is yes then everything is good. If the answer is no then you have a problem, but you do not have a problem until you answer no to your own question. I know he used this on multiple occasions and learned that his opinion of himself is the only one that mattered. We even came up with a theme song that would empower him when he heard it.

He is now in grade 7. He said to me the other day "you know Mom, I love all the kids that I hang around with, we have so much fun and we really support one another, it is so nice. And the "cool" kids that were bullying us before don't have a large group anymore, my friends and I have the largest group in our class. It's funny how that turned out". He is acutely aware that the change in his reaction to the behaviour diffused the situation and he has come out on top.

I coached my son to self-empowerment and he defeated the bullying behaviour. It was a rough few years of doing this with many setbacks and triumphs. He was a willing participant and was seeking change, I believe that all children (and adults) can be coached in this way, they can be coached to look for answers within themselves first to determine how they are feeling about the situation.

When we find ourselves within a bullying situation we rarely look into ourselves because we fear that we will find that the person offering insults or who are questioning our right to be who we are, are right in what they are saying. We feel like they have the inside scoop and their behaviour fuels our limiting beliefs about ourselves.

We all have the right to be who we are. We all have the right to a life filled with the support and love of our friends and family. And our children have the right to become self-empowered.