Topic of the Day

The latest topic of conversation in our home has been all about stepping into your power aka "stop taking shit from other people and acting like a victim expecting someone else to fix things for you".

Hubby has been dealing with some workplace 'bullying' issues for the past 9 months or so.  You know the drill, employees having a conversation and then stopping abruptly when you walk in the room, ignoring you when you speak to them, keeping vital information about the operation of the building from you, accusing you of coming on too strong when there is an issue at hand.  Oh and my personal favourite screaming that you are a 'fucking asshole' then telling your manager that you are having difficulties at home to cover your sorry ass then never having to apologize for your behaviour.

Ahem.  Sorry I get a little passionate about this subject.

Isn't all of this behaviour 'kindergarten 101'?

This behaviour isn't the real problem in my opinion. 

The real problem is that hubby has decided that these people are right.  That they know him better than he knows himself and that he isn't the capable leader he once thought he was.

When I ask him what he feels he needs to do to get back in the groove of things he answers "get my confidence back".

Wrong answer.

Doesn't the thought of 'getting your confidence back' seem a bit daunting?  I mean, how do you actually do that in an environment that is breeding anger and resentment?

If you think you've 'lost your confidence' where you do you think it went and who do you think stole it from you?

Nope.  No matter what situation you are in, your confidence, skills, natural born qualities have never disappeared.  Fear has simply come in and thrown a sheet over it so that you can't see them temporarily.

I'm sure lots of people can relate to feeling just the way my hubby is feeling.  So, what do you do about it?

Can you remember a time in your life when you felt alive, passionate and purposeful?  I reminded my husband of the times he's spent starting up new treatment facilities.  How did that feel?  Did he question himself?  What was the outcome?  Was he respected for his role or was he degraded?  Was it hard for him to step into this role and get the job done?

Then we went through the steps of what is happening now, what it feels like, how it differs from those moments of triumph and purpose.  Has it been difficult to keep your mouth shut and let these people run all over you?

Now, if you could make a choice to be the person in the first scenerio or the second what would you choose without hesitation?

Of course, you'd choose #1.  It's who you are!  It's who you were put on this earth to be!

So maybe the key to changing your situation around is simply a choice to do so.  No homework, no extra reading, no programs or training.  Just a choice.

To Be or Not To Be.....  THAT is the question!

And that fear that is masking your greatness?  Well, it's just an illusion.

If he steps into his power what is the worst that can happen?  He won't lose his job because apparently you can scream 'fucking asshole' to your superior and not get fired for it.  So that's not a legitimate fear.

Your co-workers are already behaving as though you murdered their best friend and then set him on fire, so the fear of disconnecting from them is illegitimate as well.

And let's say he will need to find a new job, well there will be a new job waiting for him because the Universe gives to those who give empowerment to themselves without hesitation.  That's how it works.

So to everyone on the planet who seems to be up against a brick wall, where there seems to be no support or 'easy way out', instead of worrying about it and wondering what you can do to change it.  Just make a choice to be you (not the you others think you should be), the you that is magnificent and wise.  The you that knows just what to do when you need to do it.

And above all remember this:  You cannot live your life based on another persons emotional wellbeing.  You cannot walk around doing and being the person that will least ruffle feathers.  It just doesn't work and this world is in need of some feather ruffling.

Poor Me......

There seems to be a whole lot of "poor me" going around lately.

Maybe it's something in the air?

Yesterday I had lunch with my mother in law and she said something that totally hit the nail on the head.

She said "Life is tough....get a helmet!"

Why do we spend so much time in 'victim' role?  Why do we waste so much energy on accumulating sympathy as we share our 'poor me stories'?

If we are so preoccupied with being a victim, how are we going to be successful? 

We cannot 'survive' if we are constantly living as a victim.

Playing the victim is a byproduct of giving your power away.

Playing the victim is not attractive and does not attract the kind of people into your life that will support you in your healing, instead it will attract people into your life that enjoy hearing your hardship stories which really means, they like to listen to all the shit you've been through because it makes them feel better about themselves.  Are these the kinds of people you want surrounding you?

The jury is still out on whether or not playing victim for even 5 minutes in your life is worth it.  What is the pay off?  What's the reward?

There's no prize at the end of your life for the person with the most dramatic story.  In fact, if you listen to that victim story for too long, you may just believe it and for sure it's going to become more and more dramatic each time you tell it, because let's face it, the bigger the response from the person you are sharing with the bigger that story gets.

Victim stories don't always sound like whining, sniveling and crying.  Sometimes they are filled with anger and so we don't hear them or see them as victim stories, but they are.

Oh, and I equally enjoy watching a victim justify their behaviour with "it's because of the abuse, the neglect, the abandonment, etc.".

Right.....  I totally believe you!

 

I double dog dare you......

Years ago, at the beginning of my conscious journey to self awareness someone told me that all of the things that we either admire or despise in another person are qualities we hold within ourselves.

The positive characteristics are easy to accept as being part of us.  But, the negative ones? 

Nah!!!

Couldn't be!  Could it?

Could I really be as annoying as the driver ahead of me that thinks his brake pedal is his gas pedal?  Could I really be as frustrated as the check out girl or angry as the woman who constantly complains about every little thing in her life?

The answer is YES!

This might be the hardest lesson I have had to learn on this journey (and I am STILL learning it!)

Yesterday I picked up an issue of O Magazine and in it was an article written by Martha Beck.

She talked about this issue of "mirroring".  And how she found it profoundly effective to take the thoughts she had in her head about how useless and pathetic other people in her life were and write a letter to these people letting them know just how she felt....

She didn't send them though...

And that's where I thought the article stopped.  Be honest, how many of us would LOVE to do that?!?!  Go totally ape nuts in a letter to someone so that they know just how perfect we are and how imperfect they are!

I am of course being a little sarcastic here and so was Martha Beck.  She made the article appear that, that was the end of the solution.  However, when you turned the page you understood that she was just about to drive her point home.

She didn't send the letters out to the people they were intended for.  Instead, she went to the top of the page, scribbled out the name of the recipient and instead wrote her own name in it's place.

She reread the letters as if she were the one receiving it.

Can you imagine how profound this exercise would be?

I have done similar techniques, like Byron Katie's "The Work".  Also, very useful and profound.

Each time I have a conversation going on in my head about what I think someone else needs to be doing with their lives, if I take the time to give that same information to myself, I realize that it is truer for me than it is for someone else.  That the exact "advice" I am wanting to spew to my friend, is the exact advice I need for me. 

This activity is an extremely humbling experience, I cannot help to look at everyone I encounter as someone who is struggling to survive and grow just as I am.

I've gotten away from taking part regularly in this exercise and the article in the magazine reminded me that this is indeed something that needs to be a regular activity in my day to keep myself real and responsible.

I double dog dare you to give this a try (yes I'm pulling out the double dog dare!).  The next time you hear yourself saying "he should or she should", go ahead and write it down, change the name on the letter and then reread it to yourself.

You'll be in good company, I'll be doing the same.

The self empowerment lesson within bullying

Recently we have been having some challenges with our son. He has withdrawn from the family quite a bit, spends hours on the phone (although, not unusual for a teenager), he is disrespectful and rude at every turn to his brothers, to his father and myself. He is not eating with us as a family and he is doing poorly in school. When he gets angry he shouts death threats.

Don't get me wrong, I totally get that teenagers are temperamental and are more interested in their social lives than anything else, however, my son's behaviour has become completely opposite to his natural character and that raises some red flags for me.

We had an incident a couple of evenings ago that prompted a conversation about his behaviour and where it was coming from. He finally admitted that the group of people he hangs around with at school are abusive towards him.

My son is one of the smaller members of the group and so is targeted as the one that gets pushed around, knocked over and tripped repeatedly throughout his day. He is also someone who just wants to be liked and accepted within his circle of friends, so he is for the most part accepting the treatment so that he will be liked. He expressed to me that he hates going to school and that it is really hard for him to focus during the day with all of this on his mind.

I completely understood where he was coming from because I endured the same treatment in public and high school.

My son's behaviour at home was mirroring how he is treated at school. His aggression towards his brothers comes from a need to release built up energy surrounding the circumstances with his friends.

When children (or adults for that matter) behave in a way that compromises another persons integrity and self esteem, they are simply acting out an experience they are having somewhere else in their life that mirrors the situation they are creating with others.

Many schools engage in "anti-bullying" programs. These programs place emphasis on bullying only. They do nothing to strengthen the self esteem and confidence of the children. The key to eliminating the cycle of bullying behaviour comes from empowering the children, not focusing on the behaviour itself.

My middle son has endured bullying behaviour since junior kindergarten. Every afternoon he met me at the door with tears because someone had done something upsetting towards him, we would sit down and discuss what the issue was, usually it was something like the other boy didn't like his hair, clothes, lunch, etc. and since my children all dress themselves, make their own lunches and choose their own hair styles these were personal issues for my son.

I would tell my son everyday. If someone doesn't like your clothes you need to ask yourself "do I like my clothes?". If the answer is yes then everything is good. If the answer is no then you have a problem, but you do not have a problem until you answer no to your own question. I know he used this on multiple occasions and learned that his opinion of himself is the only one that mattered. We even came up with a theme song that would empower him when he heard it.

He is now in grade 7. He said to me the other day "you know Mom, I love all the kids that I hang around with, we have so much fun and we really support one another, it is so nice. And the "cool" kids that were bullying us before don't have a large group anymore, my friends and I have the largest group in our class. It's funny how that turned out". He is acutely aware that the change in his reaction to the behaviour diffused the situation and he has come out on top.

I coached my son to self-empowerment and he defeated the bullying behaviour. It was a rough few years of doing this with many setbacks and triumphs. He was a willing participant and was seeking change, I believe that all children (and adults) can be coached in this way, they can be coached to look for answers within themselves first to determine how they are feeling about the situation.

When we find ourselves within a bullying situation we rarely look into ourselves because we fear that we will find that the person offering insults or who are questioning our right to be who we are, are right in what they are saying. We feel like they have the inside scoop and their behaviour fuels our limiting beliefs about ourselves.

We all have the right to be who we are. We all have the right to a life filled with the support and love of our friends and family. And our children have the right to become self-empowered.