Do Gooder

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to experience a moment of deep hurt and I've been thinking a lot about it, not because I wanted to analyze it to death, more because I wanted to understand where the hurt came from.

The circumstances don't matter here.  They never do.  What's important is the reflection, the healing that comes after the circumstance has left us and we are alone with the pain.

It was simple really.  The part of me that wants to do good, always, for everyone got her feelings hurt.

I beat myself up about that.  I criticized that 'good girl' for trying too hard, for having expectations of appreciation and gratitude.

I felt weak because I gave my power away and allowed someone to hurt me.

I felt ashamed of my reaction (my tears).

How many of us have been there and done that?

As a healer I want to heal.  I want to be the person that has the right thing to say and can uplift and inspire in a moments notice.  What I tend to forget is that not everyone is ready for that and that I am only the messenger in any of these situations, nothing more, nothing less.

What I realize now almost two weeks after the fact; that I felt vulnerable and immediately I wanted to shove that vulnerability into a drawer, but that little do gooder girl had to go and make an issue out of it.  I tried to silence her, look away, ignore her hurt.  But I couldn't, it was too deep and she needed to release it.

You see the truth is, that little do gooder girl inside of me is the one that makes the good things in my life happen.  She's the one with the heart of gold, the pure love and dreams of peace.  She's the one with the lofty goals.  She's the one that wants nothing but peace and happiness in this world.

The adult me couldn't give a rats ass about any of that stuff really.  The adult me, like all kinds of adults would love to hang onto the hurt and use it against someone.  The adult me would love to scream from the rooftops how I've been hurt and how justified I am in my anger and frustration.  But it's that little girl that keeps me from that, she's the one who pushes me to be better than that.  She is the strong one, the one who sees that compassion is what is needed, not hate and anger.  She's the one who convinces me to keep going even when I've been shot down.

So, I've come to the conclusion that I am not willing to sacrifice that little girl who wants to do good for the sake of adulthood and 'being strong'.  Ever.  Because real strength isn't in the confirming of how we've been wronged and rallying the troops for support.  Real strength is in the letting go, forgiving and moving on.

This is who I am....

Lately I've been getting to know the child in me a little better.  Or maybe I should say I've been allowing myself to express my inner child more outwardly lately.


I have always felt like a kid in an adult body.  I love to sing, dance, move, laugh, color, create and dream!  I love toys and bright colors, I love children and listening to their thoughts and sharing moments with them.  And I have also always criticized myself for that. 

I think one reason we criticize or deny our inner child is that we were all kind of raised to believe that children should be seen and not heard and so when we are indulging our inner child we feel ashamed and embarrassed by it.


Each one of us has something about us that makes us appealing to the world around us and yet we constantly criticize ourselves for allowing our authenticity to light up the world.

I enjoy the innocence of my inner child.  I enjoy her laughter and her free flowing spirit.  She is healthy and strong and she deserves to be seen AND heard.

I have recently decided to start a group for grown ups that wish to re-connect to their inner child.  My intention is to have a variety of creative and simply play activities available for those who attend and for us to be able to have simple conversation about how it feels to let go of our inhibitions for a couple of hours and indulge in "play therapy".

Thinking about this workshop makes me giggle.  It proves to my inner child that she is important to me and that I am interested in opening other people up to allowing their inner child to express themselves as well.

Do you know what your "special" quality is that makes you someone people want to be with?

Sometimes our most special quality is the thing we discriminate against the most within ourselves.  But that quality that you think is embarrassing or unnecessary matters to everyone around you, it is most likely the quality that attracts certain people to you in the first place.

Personally, I think becoming aware of these qualities within ourselves and taking ownership for them brings us tremendous power, a feeling of relief in knowing that this is who we are.

Instead of fighting against your innate abilities, your gifts and tools of the trade; embrace them, appreciate them and acknowledge the courage it takes to do so.