Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Do Gooder

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to experience a moment of deep hurt and I've been thinking a lot about it, not because I wanted to analyze it to death, more because I wanted to understand where the hurt came from.

The circumstances don't matter here.  They never do.  What's important is the reflection, the healing that comes after the circumstance has left us and we are alone with the pain.

It was simple really.  The part of me that wants to do good, always, for everyone got her feelings hurt.

I beat myself up about that.  I criticized that 'good girl' for trying too hard, for having expectations of appreciation and gratitude.

I felt weak because I gave my power away and allowed someone to hurt me.

I felt ashamed of my reaction (my tears).

How many of us have been there and done that?

As a healer I want to heal.  I want to be the person that has the right thing to say and can uplift and inspire in a moments notice.  What I tend to forget is that not everyone is ready for that and that I am only the messenger in any of these situations, nothing more, nothing less.

What I realize now almost two weeks after the fact; that I felt vulnerable and immediately I wanted to shove that vulnerability into a drawer, but that little do gooder girl had to go and make an issue out of it.  I tried to silence her, look away, ignore her hurt.  But I couldn't, it was too deep and she needed to release it.

You see the truth is, that little do gooder girl inside of me is the one that makes the good things in my life happen.  She's the one with the heart of gold, the pure love and dreams of peace.  She's the one with the lofty goals.  She's the one that wants nothing but peace and happiness in this world.

The adult me couldn't give a rats ass about any of that stuff really.  The adult me, like all kinds of adults would love to hang onto the hurt and use it against someone.  The adult me would love to scream from the rooftops how I've been hurt and how justified I am in my anger and frustration.  But it's that little girl that keeps me from that, she's the one who pushes me to be better than that.  She is the strong one, the one who sees that compassion is what is needed, not hate and anger.  She's the one who convinces me to keep going even when I've been shot down.

So, I've come to the conclusion that I am not willing to sacrifice that little girl who wants to do good for the sake of adulthood and 'being strong'.  Ever.  Because real strength isn't in the confirming of how we've been wronged and rallying the troops for support.  Real strength is in the letting go, forgiving and moving on.

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