Angry

Last night I was SO angry that I cried.

This is unusual for me.  Usually I am so angry that I eat.  Maybe this is progress in my quest to express my emotions in a healthy way.

I'm going to guess that my anger was fueled mostly by hormones because it came out of the blue.  It could also have been that I had just had enough....of everything!

I was having a hard time falling asleep because I could hear my son and his friends playing video games in the room above me.  It's normal for this to be going on and normally I don't have any difficulty falling asleep to the sound of shouting and video game gunfire but last night I just laid there; seething.  First I went upstairs and asked them to quiet down.  After another hour I marched upstairs and told the friends to hit the road and head home.

Maybe that last part is normal mom behaviour because they didn't flinch.  They just finished their game peacefully, got up and left the house.

I got back into bed and realized that my husband was only giving me about a foot width of bed space to sleep in.  He was sound asleep sawing logs (as per usual).  Again I laid there seething.  And crying.  Don't I deserve more than a foot of bed space?  Doesn't he know he's only giving me a foot of bed space.  His elbows were in my way and I couldn't get comfortable unless I was laying on my side which just gave him more room to inch closer to me.

Argh!

Around midnight my middle son got me out of bed.  He was upset about something that happened earlier in the day and needed some comfort.  I was in no shape to comfort anyone as I myself was having my own little meltdown but I listened to what he had to say and I gave him some quick advice; apologized for my straightforwardness and blamed the fact that I was so tired I could hardly think straight.  I gave him a hug; sent him to bed and headed into my bedroom for one last attempt at falling asleep.

What I found when I got back to my bed was my husband laying smack dab in the middle of the bed.  No room for me on either side.  I grabbed my pillow and headed to the couch.

As I laid on the couch and closed my eyes I wondered what was making me feel so angry.  I felt as though I wasn't being appreciated or acknowledged.  I secretly fantasized about twin beds and knew immediately why it was that hubby's grandparents had opted for twin beds all those years ago.  Twin beds equals sanity sometimes.

I woke up this morning; groggy and tired.  A full day of housework ahead of me and in no mood to do anything for anybody.  In fact, if someone were to offer me a golden couch surrounded by servants to fan me and feed me grapes I would have happily taken that deal.

I honestly don't know why I wanted to blog about this.  Most likely just to get it off my chest.  It's kind of funny now that I think about it (that could be the red wine talking).

What I'm noticing about my emotions now that I'm getting older is that they aren't willing to be ignored anymore.  They come on strong and insist on being heard.  Like I said; in the past I've been able to eat my way through emotions; especially the not so nice emotions.  I don't think there would have been enough chocolate cake in the world to squash my anger last night.

For a long time I've been seeking for ways to feel comfortable expressing emotion.  It seems that Mother Nature will find a way for me.

Hang on to your hats!