Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Inside Is Where The Power Is.....

This morning I wrote in my journal:  "The ego's needs are never satisfied and will never be satisfied".  This was the answer to my questions "When am I going to feel like enough?  When am I going to feel like I know what I'm doing?"

To the ego; there is never 'enough'.  There is an ever present need for acceptance and acknowledgement.  I consider this my addiction because when I am feeling 'less than' I look to something outside of myself to fill that void.  Sometimes I seek it through people and sometimes (lots of times) I seek it through food.

Seeking approval from people is deeply satisfying....for a split second.  Receiving praise for a job well done and getting a pat on the back feels wonderful....that feeling quickly leaves me even more empty than before.  Food...the same thing.  It is deeply satisfying to finish that ice cream cone and it takes only a few short moments for that deeply satisfying feeling to fade into self loathing for eating the ice cream in the first place.

Have you ever found yourself in this trap?  I'm pretty sure it's a common human 'thing'.

For me; my addiction is about love.  I so desperately want to feel loved that I seek it outside of myself.  I am addicted to acceptance from others because that acceptance (as short lived as it can be) is feeding my need for love.  I get temporary 'highs', if you will from external praise and appreciation.  In order to get these highs I do whatever it takes to make someone else happy; despite my own needs of which I am happy to sacrifice for the high that I seek.

Unearthing this truth is crucial to finding true love for myself.  It's uncomfortable to admit to it.  I feel a little ashamed admitting it out loud because it feels like a dirty little secret AND at the same time saying it out loud and putting it out there feels liberating and honest inside of my heart.

What I learned this morning from that simple question and answer is this; I will never find myself outside of myself.  I will never be satisfied by what is on the outside.  Because ego is driven by what is on the outside.  Ego exists in the way things 'look'.  Ego exists in the way things 'should' be.  True love.  Which is where I want to live from, knows only what is on the inside.  True love is in the feeling of things.  True love can only be found by going inside and getting comfortable there.  Inside is where the power is.

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