Because I Can....

I have to admit something.  I have a crush on Jesus Christ.  It's true. 

I am fascinated by books on the subject of his life.  I have many on my book shelf and have borrowed many from the library.  Understanding more about his message and his life has brought me great peace and clarity in my own life. 

Our world has seen many great teachers; all who came to share the same basic message 'love one another'.  There's just something about Jesus that I resonate deeply with. 

Last December I was in between clients and decided I would stop for a quick latte and relax a bit.  En route to the cafe I got this strange, strong urge to make sure I had my pen and paper with me.  I did.

I got to the cafe ordered my latte and found a quiet spot to hang out.  I took out my pen and paper and started to write.  At first I didn't know what I was writing or why I was writing it; soon tears began to stream down my face; again I had no idea why really.  The words and the message just kept coming without me thinking about what to write.

When my pen stopped and I wiped my eyes I read what I had written.  It was a letter.   A letter of responsibility and apology and truth. 

You see for a few years I've been estranged from my family.  A decision I made in a moment of crisis without thinking of the long term effects or how it would impact my loved ones.  All I knew at the time was I didn't have the tools to cope and I needed to run.  That's it.

Anyway, the letter I wrote that day in December gave it all up. I admitted to my mistakes of which there were many; apologized for them; gave an explanation as to how I was feeling then and why I felt the need to pull away.  The letter outlined what I've learned in the process and that I was willing to take full responsibility for every action, word and negative behaviour of not only myself but the entire situation.  Essentially I was absorbing the entire situation without expectation of forgiveness or reward.  I remember that I did not ask for forgiveness in the letter.

As I read it I wondered where all of this emotion and intensity came from?  Why was I taking full responsibility?  Why did I not feel the need for an outcome?  Where was the pride I had been feeling all those years and the desire to keep myself protected and hidden from the truth?  Where did that go?

I finished with my clients that day and headed home.  Once again a strong urge came over me to photocopy the letter twice and send one copy to my mother and another copy to my sister.  This part made me feel sick to my stomach.  Thoughts kept running through my mind like "what if this is just more fuel for the fire?".  The urge was too strong NOT to follow through with it though and so I did and sent the letters along.  I ripped up the original letter and tossed it in the recycle box.  It was done.

So what does this have to do with my crush on Jesus? 

I began to understand why and where this letter and this taking of responsibility came from.  It came from the teachings of Jesus.  It came from my desire to not be him but to be the best me I can be.  It came from being tired of hiding and tired of the voices in my head feeding me fearful ideas. 

The more I questioned what I did (though doing it made me feel so light and so peaceful) the more I was shown the vision of Jesus nailed to a cross.  The image of that moment and the impact of it's meaning hit me hard.  It sank into my heart.  It felt like Jesus was showing me that I can put myself on a cross; take the sin away; take full responsibility for everyones hurts and still live.  He was showing me that I didn't need to ask for forgiveness because I had already been forgiven; in fact I was forgiven before I even made a mistake. 

I heard Marianne Williamson speak not long ago and she was told a story about a large financial loss she suffered and that her father told her not to worry that she could 'absorb' the loss.  Though my loss wasn't financial I took in her words and realized what she was saying.  We can not only absorb financial loss but we can absorb anything into ourselves.  When we do this, when we take it in and absorb it into our being the energy gets transmuted into light and love and it is set back out into the world as that.

It's taken me a while to write this story out.  Everytime I start it looks too dramatic.  Sometimes it looks blasphemous or arrogant to talk about Jesus in this way.

Regardless, it's how it happened.  It was real.   And I believe it's a message for everyone.   

I've written before about pride and how it keeps you bound to beliefs that don't serve you.  Jesus showed me that pride is nothing more than illusion.  That life is nothing more than illusion.   No one has any more power over you than you believe them to have.  I was so afraid of my family.  I was afraid of their judgements and their words.  At one time I was even afraid for my safety.  I had given them so much power over me and I had forgotten about my own power.

I think we all live on a cross from time to time and we believe that living on that cross means we need to suffer.  The cross for me represents freedom.  It represents forgiveness and absolution.  After I mailed those letters I could see myself nailed to the cross.  I also saw myself not waiting for someone else to remove the nails and bring me down off of it.  I did that myself too.

What Jesus showed me was that I could end this war; even if ending it was for me only.

And I did.  I did end the war.  For myself only.  I did it and I would do it all again....because I can.