Friday, August 6, 2010

Real Love Baby!

A fascinating article by Martha Beck about real love that I stumbled upon.

You may find this article useful if you are struggling with someone who has left you. If you are struggling with family difficulties. If you have been the one to make the decision to leave and feel utterly guilty over it. If you are human at all or have ever been in any kind of relationship.

This article spoke to me, because year ago I had come to a place in my life where it seemed that if I didn't leave my marriage, my husband and I would not have the chance to grow and evolve in the way that would be most beneficial.

It's not that I didn't love my husband dearly, I could just see that we were suffocating eachother.

I was on a rapid growth path and he was scared to death about it.

I had the feeling that if we stayed in eachother's presence in this way that one of us would be very unhappy and I felt as though he would be the one to suffer. And I did not want that to happen. So I asked for a separation.

My husband is the most loving, generous and supportive man. Even on days when I think he is not... He is!

As much as I felt badly about having to make such a decision I also knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing for all of the right reasons.

Needless to say we did not separate, he (thankfully) refused to let go of what we had and all that we have been through. I accepted that and here we are happily on the other side of that raging river we thought was going to pull us under as we crossed it.

So things are never as they seem (that's a whole other blog post for another time).

This article about how to tell if it's real love, really affirmed for me that when we were going through that rough time I really did have his best interests in mind and that it reflected whole heartedly the real love that I feel for him. That it wasn't so much about me getting away from the marriage just to run away, it was about making a decision that in the end may very well would have changed our lives for the better.

I have many friends who are struggling with relationships, either with their children, spouses or extended families. It is the way of things at this point in our evolution. And each time we discuss these issues with eachother I can feel the complete love that these people have for their relationships, that all they truly want is what is best for everyone involved. Sometimes it looks like separation or divorce, sometimes it looks like sending someone away. It may not feel like love for the other people involved, but it is truly what is.

As Martha Beck states in her article that one myth we believe about love is that real love is about trapping people into staying with us, that real love looks like people who stay together in situations they are not happy in. This is a myth.

What about you? Is real love finding happiness in the struggle to continue within a relationship to keep the other person happy in their delusion? Or is real love looking deeply into yourself and asking the tough questions and stepping up and behaving in a way that respects the other persons needs and benefits the whole, even though said benefits cannot be seen at the time?


  1. It is more fulfilling in the end to stick out the rough spots with your loved ones and grow together! It's so much easier to just walk away and shut people out rather than putting more focus,love and effort into a relationship. Well said :)

  2. I read this quote years ago and while I may not have it completely accurately, I've used it as a barometer for my relationships. It certainly supports your thoughts Jenn. "Love is the active concern for the life and love of the person you love."
    Another insightful post.

  3. I'm glad you weathered the storm and are together. I love you both very much, but then you should already know that.

  4. It is NOT easy to walk away! In fact I believe, it is the hardest thing to ever do, as we attach ourselves to the comfort of being with someone far more than being alone. Or to the comfort of the "knowing" far more than the dark "unknown"

    The question to ask for me is always about motives...

    1. Why are you in a relationship? Is it for what you give, receive or learn together?

    2. Do you grow in your relationship?

    3. Is the lessons you need to learn in being in a relationship or walking away to find your own heart beat above the conditioning of everyday expectations?

    I have been married for 8 years but every day I have to ask the above questions to myself for we can stay in a relationship for the sake of proving to everyone or to ourselves that we can stick it out... but in the end I believe the most important thing above all is listening to your own heart's desires & for me respect, honesty & trust are but few gifts that comes with true love.

    Love yourself & you will find the ability to truly love your partner.

    Thank you for such a wonderful article :)


  5. Yay it is easier to walk away "LEMANJA"...we all have our own story to tell and just because your situation is different does not make my opionion any less important ! It's much harder to stay and put hard work into any relationship, just because you may have different wants and needs you CANNOT forget the ones that love and care about you, or you can but wouldn't that be selfish??!!!


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