I don't know how to describe what has happened to me. Except to say that an unexplainable sense of nothingness has entered my life. Unexpectedly bringing a sense of tremendous peace to me.
I believe this is what I have always been looking for. And it is finally here. And it feels so different than the way I used to feel. Different than the way I used to interact with life. And I don't even know how it happened!
I verbalized this to a friend last night. Trying to make sense of it, I haven't been spending all sorts of time meditating or paying attention to how I am living. I'm just being me and all of a sudden here I am feeling like I am in a state of constant peace. Like there is nothing that needs my attention, there is nothing that is bringing me stress.
Case(s) in point:
1) 6:30am this morning, my 15 year old son wakes me up to let me know that I may receive a call from school because the Friday before March break he skipped out for the day and he lied to me about where he was and why he "missed" the bus. He lied to me the entire week and got what he wanted all week, and hung out with friends and we even took his girlfriend to the show and to dinner last night.
~ I had no reaction to this. The thought crossed my mind to be angry, but I wasn't! The thought crossed my mind to ground him until he is 35, but I didn't!
(okay the great thing about this is he warned me before the phone call which I can only hope is his conscience speaking :)
2) Payday last week, my hubby's paycheque didn't quite cover the cost of all the bills, we had a vet bill to pay because we just got our dog spayed, and we had promised our youngest we would go to the show and dinner.
~ I had no reaction. I did not panic as per usual. I moved some bills around and made some space and then I left it alone!
3) On our way home from the movies last night the boys got into a punching match in the back seat, one was hurt and crying, the other one was defiant and all of this happening amongst the guests they brought to the movies with them. My normal reaction would have been some heavy duty screaming and yelling. Some blaming and guilt tripping.
There are many, many examples of that sort of thing happening to me lately. I cannot explain how it is that I came to this place. I am a bonafide control freak! I love(d) to have control over everything. My 15 year old and I have argued constantly about his manipulation and lying, why am I not bothered by this now? Being short on income is tremendously stressful in our house, why not now?
At first I thought it was that I didn't care anymore. I thought I was losing my mind, maybe sinking back into depression.
The difference between how I feel now and how I felt when I was depressed is that when I was depressed I had all sorts of thoughts jumping around in my head telling me how I should react, my body would feel stressed out and angry. But NOW, I feel...well....nothing. My body isn't reacting in it's usual manner and there are no thoughts about what should or shouldn't be done about the situation. I am calm.
Something significant is going on here and I believe it is going on inside each and every one of us right now. Being aware of it is the first step to recognizing that we are now becoming more and more like our natural selves.
Today, take the time to notice any changes in your behaviour. Changes in the way you react (or not) to situations.
Take a moment to notice your thoughts and question them.
"You should clean the car, it's filthy and it doesn't look nice". "Do I WANT to clean the car right NOW? Am I happy with the car being filthy?" Yes or no?
"My co-worker is really frustrating me today?" "Is it important for me to become upset with my co-worker? Does it change anything about the situation if I do?"
I believe it may have been this kind of questioning that lead me to this place where my thoughts are not controlling my life.
It is a simple step with grand rewards!