Friday, December 4, 2009

If you love someone.......

An interesting thought has come to mind this morning that I thought I'd share.

When we are fully engaged in a relationship, whether it is spouse, friend or family member; do we fully appreciate, understand and know the other person?  Do we truly connect with the gift that they are in our lives to provide?

I've had this happen so many times in my life and I'm just wondering why it happens.  You have a relationship and it goes along nicely and sometimes gradually or abruptly the relationship comes to an end (this part I get, it's a natural part of evolution).  When the end is near one of two things may happen.  Either we part silently, each of us understanding and accepting that our time together has come to an end or (and here is the part I'm not totally sure about) there is a need for closure by either one of us, there are words, accusations and blame exchanged or some sort of resistance to departure that takes place (I know some people who have been stalked after ending a relationship).

In all of the instances when I have experienced the latter I am always surprised at the things that are said to me, that make me think and feel like that person never truly understood who I was in the first place.  It is hurtful in the beginning until I take the time to understand why it took place the way it did.

One could argue that perhaps we don't share our whole selves with them and there wasn't an opportunity for them to truly get to know us.  That's a possibility.  But if you are someone who shares your whole heart with someone, is able and willing to help when necessary in any capacity that is required and is available to the other person when they are in need of a listening ear or comforting hug then how can they be so accusatory when the relationship ends?

We've all been here.  We've all been in relationships that simply did not meet our requirements any longer, some actually become toxic and smothering.  I'm sure we've also all been accused of being someone we are not even when we've given our absolute best selves to these people.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to fear.  They know in their hearts the kind of person you are and how much their life has benefited from you being a part of it.  When that relationship comes to an end I believe that it is our overwhelming fear of never finding that in a relationship again that makes us engage in behaviour that is less than desirable.  There is a need to hurt the other person as badly as they have hurt us.

Of course every situation is different, but I believe that one thing remains the same.  If there is a need to end a relationship then it is because the relationship no longer serves the highest purpose of the people involved.  You cannot stay in a relationship hoping to save someone from themselves, you cannot stay in a relationship hoping to change someone and you cannot stay in a relationship out of obligation.  Staying in a relationship where you do not belong is toxic to you and it hinders the growth of the other person.  They will not be able to move forward in their life lessons if you are still attached to them.

It's like that saying "If you love someone let them go". 

People grow and evolve sometimes at lightning speed, the person you are today is not the person (hopefully) you will be in 6 months and so how can your relationships stay the same unless you have friends who are moving at exactly the same pace that you are  This is extremely rare by the way!

I have had friends leave my life, only to find that 2 or more years down the road there they are again, but we are different, something has changed in us so that we can once again bless each other's lives with our presence. You know that all is in perfect order when that happens and you can allow yourself to get to know this person again as they are now, not as they were then.

May you be blessed with loving friends and family, and my you also be blessed with the knowledge that we are not each other's keepers and the greatest gift you can give is to be open to moving with the flow of life and allowing people to come and go as they please without holding resentment and anger towards them for doing so.

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