Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Addicted to Suffering

Are you addicted to suffering?

I am....sometimes.

Like today.  I chose suffering when I decided I would sit down and write out my speech for a talk I am presenting next week.  I love public speaking which is weird because I'm a total introvert.  I like to entertain.  Something I've loved to do since I was a little girl and my sister and I would get silly and run into the kitchen and do silly moves and silly things in front of my parents and their friends only to run out again giggling.

So it wasn't the thought of speaking that was creating suffering.  It was the fact that I don't do well with a written script in front of me.  I do really well off the cuff and speaking from my heart.  For some reason every time I am asked to speak I get it in my head that I need to write it all down.  Because well isn't that the 'right' way to do things?  I've learned in the past that it isn't the 'right' thing for me to do but somehow my brain gets fixated on getting it accomplished and convinces me that I will feel better if I have it all written out.  So I write and erase; write and erase.  Enter suffering...  I become increasingly frustrated with myself.  My head and heart start to pound.  My back starts to hurt and I can't think straight anymore.  My pulse and breathing quicken and I am worn out and need a nap and all I have down is 'thank you for the opportunity to.....'.

Gah! old friend.  Why are you so comfortable?  Why do I not recognize that you are making me feel like shit about myself?  Why do I entertain you so?

Whether you insist (like I do) on doing things the way other people would prefer you do them or you've been working in a job you hate for years on end or you get caught up in what is happening around the world and sink into the fear of 'what ifs' you will know all too well the suffering I am speaking of.

So why do we insist on suffering?  Do we honestly believe that to suffer is to succeed?  Do we honestly believe that we deserve such treatment from ourselves (because it is only us that causes the suffering)?

Just tonight I was chatting with a friend who has resigned from a job she has hated for a very long time.  She said she felt like she could breathe again.  I like this very much.  I want my friends to be able to breathe.

So if we like feeling like we are able to breathe; why do we hold our breath so much while we suffer?


  1. I choose suffering all the time! Right now even, I'm grumpy because I didn't get any help cleaning up after breakfast. I could be cheerful if I wanted, but my default seems to be the opposite. Grrrrrr.

    1. I used to get that way if I had to take out the recycle boxes; why should it be MY job? lol Oh the things we choose to suffer about :)

  2. Relax Jenn. Just go from the cuff if that's your best way. You know it will be what was needed to be heard!JoAnne

    1. I totally know it JoAnne and at the same time something was telling me to write the speech anyway :) lol I'm over it and at the same time it taught me a valuable lesson :)


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