I've been keeping this post to myself. I didn't want to share it for many reasons.
Fear being at the root of them all.
I have to write it though.
For the sake of moving forward.
For the sake of being honest. With myself.
It's not enough for me anymore to write things in my journal. I find it more therapeutic to blog it out, then it's not private anymore, it's out there. It makes it more real, it makes me accountable.
I've been thinking alot about my life. Where it's headed, what I could be doing differently, what needs attention these days to make the journey smoother.
And the one thing that I keep coming back to, the one thing that I pretend isn't a big deal, and yet it feels like a huge boulder sitting in my path is the issue of my family.
They are in almost every dream I dream. I dream of hugging my sister, seeing my brothers smile and fighting to get a kiss from my nephew. I dream of long talks with my mom and short shopping trips that turn into hours of browsing the store.
I miss my mom. I miss her presence in my life and yet she is still here on this earth and I have denied myself time and closeness with her. I find myself thinking about all of the things we have done together over the years. All the times I accompanied her to wedding receptions. How much fun we had.
The problem has been that I have been denying that I miss them. I've been afraid to admit it to myself. I've been afraid to acknowledge the hole that has been left in my world by my family. I wanted to be strong... Not weak...
I've been wrong. It's not weak to admit your true feelings and speak your truth. Strength is not in the fighting against and denial of your emotions. Strength is in recognizing that something is standing in the way of you moving forward and doing something about it.
I've wasted too much time telling myself stories to convince myself that I don't miss them, that I'm better off without them in my life.
They may not be in a place of acceptance for this truth. And it really doesn't matter, it only matters that I am in a place of accepting my truth. Accepting it and embracing it and forgiving myself for denying it.
That's where I am and that's where I've been for months now.
Fear being at the root of them all.
I have to write it though.
For the sake of moving forward.
For the sake of being honest. With myself.
It's not enough for me anymore to write things in my journal. I find it more therapeutic to blog it out, then it's not private anymore, it's out there. It makes it more real, it makes me accountable.
I've been thinking alot about my life. Where it's headed, what I could be doing differently, what needs attention these days to make the journey smoother.
And the one thing that I keep coming back to, the one thing that I pretend isn't a big deal, and yet it feels like a huge boulder sitting in my path is the issue of my family.
They are in almost every dream I dream. I dream of hugging my sister, seeing my brothers smile and fighting to get a kiss from my nephew. I dream of long talks with my mom and short shopping trips that turn into hours of browsing the store.
I miss my mom. I miss her presence in my life and yet she is still here on this earth and I have denied myself time and closeness with her. I find myself thinking about all of the things we have done together over the years. All the times I accompanied her to wedding receptions. How much fun we had.
The problem has been that I have been denying that I miss them. I've been afraid to admit it to myself. I've been afraid to acknowledge the hole that has been left in my world by my family. I wanted to be strong... Not weak...
I've been wrong. It's not weak to admit your true feelings and speak your truth. Strength is not in the fighting against and denial of your emotions. Strength is in recognizing that something is standing in the way of you moving forward and doing something about it.
I've wasted too much time telling myself stories to convince myself that I don't miss them, that I'm better off without them in my life.
They may not be in a place of acceptance for this truth. And it really doesn't matter, it only matters that I am in a place of accepting my truth. Accepting it and embracing it and forgiving myself for denying it.
That's where I am and that's where I've been for months now.
When you honor your feelings possibly that is when the healing starts. As much as you want the relationship is it at what cost? I feel for you in your loss Jen and hope someday you may find a way of re-connecting with them. When the right time comes it will present itself. Sending you much love and support for you, D. xo
ReplyDeleteHi Jenn,
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything Denise said. In particluar about honouring your feelings to begin the healing. Covering over the sense of loss and pain you're feeling just pushes down all your positive feelings too as you know.
I think getting this out to yourself and the world will create a shift for you and help you move forward.
Love,
Rosemary
Love you Jenn......
ReplyDelete