Monday, March 8, 2010

A journey to be proud of

It's been ten years since my conscious journey to awareness began.

I remember the beginning well. I had experienced the birth of my 4th son and the death of my father within 12 hours of each other, the only way I could cope with the confusion of emotions during this time was to read about life after death, the role of angels in our lives and of course what we are really here to accomplish in this life.

Believing that my father's soul was living pain free and joyful somewhere helped me to focus on staying well for the sake of myself, my newborn son and the rest of my family. I still grieved for him of course. But all in all it was my new found faith in a higher purpose that got me through those trying moments.

And it still does.

My motto is "awareness is key".

But awareness of one's own motives, purposes, our place in the world, etc. is not easy. I would have to say that the words "ignorance is bliss" are right on the money. Some days I would love nothing more than to not know what I know. Then I remember how fascinating it is to be witness to your own transformation and if I was ignorant of myself I would be missing the opportunity to see this happen before my eyes.

In 10 short years I have become someone completely opposite to who I was then.

Back then I was a follower, I was more than willing to allow someone to place their ideals upon me and then allow myself to follow through with them, no matter what it took, no matter how miserable I seemed to become.

I was a loyal and dedicated friend, but not because I wanted to be, but because I felt if I wasn't that I wouldn't be loved by these people, or they wouldn't think I was worthy of their company.

I was dependant upon other people's opinions of me, rarely thought or spoke for myself and endured emotional distress for many years in the form of panic and anxiety attacks.

I often neglected my family because of my great need to be loved and accepted by my peers.

The past 10 years have taken me well into my 30's and as we all know the 30's are all about finding yourself. It's been an amazing adventure and a journey that I can say that I am extremely proud of.

I have worked very hard. I once had a spiritual teacher of mine tell me that I loved homework a little too much. It wasn't that I liked it, I was afraid to fail. Because up until that point I had been wandering through life on someone else's terms, and because of that didn't find much success or happiness in anything that I did.

I wanted to be successful at being me. I wanted to become all that I could be and so I pushed myself into and past situations that created rapid awareness.

Of course none of that was necessary, it's just how I played it out.

At the time I was fighting against a host of limiting beliefs that told me I would amount to nothing in life. That I wouldn't succeed, that I didn't have it in me.

I still fight against those beliefs, I don't believe they ever go away, maybe they just get quieted a little more each time they are addressed.

I make sure to spend my time with people who are encouraging and loving, and who value me in their lives. I make sure to be gentle with myself when the need arises.

This classroom of life is a tough one.

There are no failures though; only honor roll graduates.

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