Monday, March 1, 2010

A butterfly morning

I woke up this morning with the usual butterflies in my stomach....

Can't exactly pinpoint why they are there. Does it matter?

I really am a morning person, it's the initial waking up I have difficulty with.

I've been experiencing this since I was a kid. So by now it's probably habitual, as soon as my body experiences waking up it immediatley knows to throw on the dramatics.

This morning though it prompted thoughts of the state of my mental health. How crazy am I that I wake up every morning feeling like my stomach is going to take flight.

And even more crazy is that no one else knows about this but me. Until now that is.

These butterfly feelings start my day. Every day! I fight past them each morning so that I can get out of bed and get my kids ready for school. For the most part I do a great job at hiding them and go about my business. Some times (like today) the tears don't stop and I wonder how I'm going to get through the rest of my day.

Why am I telling you this? I don't know. Maybe because I am tired of living in secret hell. Maybe because it is coming up on a year of my brother's suicide and I feel like he and I have a lot in common. I wonder if he woke up with butterflies in his stomach and kept them to himself?

And to the reader that loves to remind me that there are natural disasters happening all over the world, and that my issues are nothing in comparison. For me (and maybe for someone else) this my personal earthquake.

I talk a lot in my blogs about having faith in life, making choices that serve your highest good, etc., etc. And I want you to know that each and every day I live what I blog about. Because if I didn't I would be living in the deepest darkest hole you could possibly imagine and I certainly wouldn't be sharing it with you.

I do know the importance and value in living in alignment with your highest purpose. It brings you opportunities you otherwise might have missed.

But it's not easy. Nope, easy is not a word I would use to describe it.

Especially when you are fighting against a strong current of anxiety, depression and fear. It can seem like a constant battle going on. Good vs. Evil stuff. And what about all of those people who can't make the choice, who are so buried under the mental anguish that they can't see through it to even find value in living?

Well, to those people I say, I love you. Because I do. Because I need to. Because.....well just because.


  1. :) I love your can put words to things I haven't been able to. You must be a mind reader.

    Honestly, it really does suck to have anxiety for no explained reason. You're right, it's like living in your own personal hell.


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