Monday, November 19, 2012

I Thought I Knew...

I thought I knew who I was... 

I thought I could say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was an unconditional lover.  That I was living my purpose on purpose, loving myself, full of happiness and joyful abundance.  I thought I could maintain peacefulness, patience and a loving demeanor throughout a challenging situation.  That I was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound....Ah, okay, maybe not that last one.

Then I found out I was only human.  Ha!  Imagine my surprise that my 'unconditional' love turned into love with hoards of conditions!  Imagine my surprise when I began to put someone else's emotional needs before mine (again) and proved to myself that I indeed did not love myself as fully (or unconditionally) as I thought!  Imagine my surprise when life began to place in front of me people and circumstances of all shapes and sizes whose sole (or soul) purpose was to mirror for me the things I had missed about myself, the flaws, the faults, the things I had tried to hide so neatly behind my smile.


And then, the vulnerability, the shamefulness of this realization.

"Oh what a fool I have been" she says dramatically as the back of her hand rests on her forehead, head thrown back in anguish. 

Personal realizations like this one are probably the number one reason why many people don't even look at themselves in the mirror, for fear of being 'found out'.

That used to be one of my biggest fears, or at least the thing my ego would scream at me the most "what if people find out that you are a big ole fraudy pants?"

I think that subconsciously I knew what my shadows were and I knew I wasn't proud of them but I had no idea how to use them to my advantage.  So instead they became something I feared.  The very idea of the closet door swinging open to expose all of my skeletons made my skin crawl.

And here we are, the closet door has been kicked in and I have been staring into the deep empty eye sockets of those skeletons for over a month and you know what?  They are nothing more than plastic props made in China used by the ego to keep me stuck in fear and worry.  That's it!

I wish I could say that facing these skeletons didn't affect me emotionally, mentally or physically.  They definitely did.  But there was something that I kept in mind every time one of them would peek out of the door. 

I kept in mind something that I heard Joyce Meyers say on one of her programs.  She said "God knows every inch of you, He made you just the way you are, nothing you do surprises Him.  So there is no sense worrying about every move you make and wondering if you'll ever become the perfect person because in His eyes you are perfect.  So just live!  Go out there and do what you do with passion and forget about what the 'devil' is trying to tell you through your faults.  God loves you beyond your faults."

I used that quote/reminder like crazy!  It made sense to me and it brought me back from the brink of insanity.

I like that!



  1. You are so refreshing! That's the beauty of our purpose here. To be human. And that includes experiencing our higher and lower self and being Ok with who we are as a whole. I think that's one of the most difficult things to do, is to give yourself permission to have skeletons and shadows and look at those as a blessing instead of a curse. Our shadows uncovered bring us closer to the light.

  2. :) It was the toughest two months of my life!!! lol But it is SO worth it to see where it will take me and to see that I am now much more comfortable with my demons :)


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