Friday, November 4, 2011

It's a Girl Thing.....

Okay...  I'll give you fair warning.  I am going to share too much information here...  And it may get terribly disgusting I haven't decided yet.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I haven't been to my doctor in 3 years.

Can you see where I'm going with this?

I know the ladies will know JUST what I am talking about.

And if it hadn't been for hubby having a bum knee and needing to get it checked out, that little bit of information would still be a secret to my doctor.

But no.

As soon as the 'Merritt family' file is opened the cat is let out of the bag.

Because...I am WAY overdue for my pap smear.

And it seems my doctor wants nothing more than to get that job done.  I've been hit with letters in the mail and phone messages asking me to call in to make an appointment.

Deep breath.

Personally, I feel pap smears are a violation of my right to keep my legs closed.

As I put it to my husband the other day "I don't even like spreading my legs for pleasure, let alone business!"  (Thank goodness he's used to my melodrama, he did not take this personally).

There is of course a million reasons why women detest pap smears!  They put you in the most vulnerable position you may ever see yourself in.  Not even child birth compares to the feel of cold clamp thingees being fed into your cavity and then cranked to spread you open like a turkey being prepared for stuffing!

I used to make these yearly appointments as if someone had a gun to my head.  Sweating profusely and stammering over words as I speak to the receptionist.

Then I lay on the bed with my knees spread in the air, I try to find my happy place before my mind starts wandering onto all of the horrific possibilities that could take place as I lay there open to the world.

Things like...what if someone pulls the fire alarm? Or......worse than death itself........gas!

Okay, okay I know there's the whole 'cancer' thing it's supposed to help detect.  However, I'd like to meet the lovely being that decided that this was the only way to get that kind of information. Just like I'd like to shake the hand of the fellow that thinks squishing a breast between two metal plates until you almost pass out is the only way to detect breast cancer! 

Notice I don't want to shake the hand of the fellow who invented pap smears....

I digress!

If we can get a man to the fucking moon, why can't we find an easier way to find 'private part' (I'm trying to be it working?) cancer?

Another deep breath.

I'm sure that a yearly pap test is pretty much a walk in the park compared to the possible result of not finding cancer in time, but right now I just can't see the possibility, I'm too busy trying to find a body double to take my place.

1 comment:

  1. HAHA! I'm right there with ya... 3 yrs and I'm not going back til they find a better way! (perhaps thermography??) :)


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