Thursday, July 15, 2010

Just a big coward

Have you ever been called a coward?

I have... Many times actually....

There are worse things to be called, mind you. But the coward thing struck me as odd. Like only something you would hear in a Wild West movie just before a shoot out in the middle of the main street.

I remember one time when a close relationship was ending, the person on the other end of the phone screamed at me "you're a coward!" This is how she felt because I was not engaging in the anger she was projecting towards me.

I questioned that accusation. I took it in, I tried it on for size to see if it fit me. What I felt while wearing what I affectionately call the "coward coat" wasn't shame or guilt at who I was or how I was behaving. What I felt was a sense of duty, an inner peace.

I learned then that what some people consider cowardice, I considered self mastery.

It takes so much Love for yourself and for the other person to stand before them when they are enraged with anger and not react. Not allow yourself to be sucked into the abyss that is their world.

I have come across a few challenges lately, that have been testing my faith in my own self love.

I allowed these challenges to question what I know about myself. Funny, how we allow ourselves to do that sometimes, like the other person knows you any better than you know yourself.

Sometimes the Universe will place these people in your life who know all the right buttons to push to show you where you need to strengthen the fortress.

A very good friend of mine reminded me that it is necessary to come up against these challenges because I need to learn how to stand firm in my moment of power, speak my truth and live from my heart no matter who is saying what against me and no matter what another person's opinion is.

That was a great reminder.

There will be a time when there will be bigger rocks being thrown and I need to build up my reflexes in order to catch them so they don't do any real harm.

It may be okay to be considered a coward after all. Then at least I know I'm living my life as true as I can in the moment. Choosing to not allow anger and greed to bind me isn't an act of cowardice.

It's an act of self love and self mastery.

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