Expectations and all that Jazz....

Expectation: belief about (or mental picture of) the future •anticipation: anticipating with confidence of fulfillment •the feeling that something is about to happen


Expectations...  They are tricky little suckers...

I've come to regard expectations as just a smidge evil.  They turn good people into buckets of stress!

Why?

Because we can't control someone else's behaviour and actions.  So expecting something from someone outside of ourselves is almost always a lose/lose situation...

Have you noticed what happens when the things you have been expecting, don't come through?

It throws you off balance and turns you into a miserable sour puss for the rest of the day....  Maybe you'll use that as an excuse to make everyone else around you pay for your misfortune, or maybe you'll sulk?

Expectations can ruin your plans for the loving life you wish to live.

I know the argument will arise that the Universal Law of Attraction says that we need to be in a state of expectation when it comes to our dreams.  I gotta tell you; I experience a higher rate of positive manifestation when I don't put my full energy into the expectation part! 

The key to this law is to feel the appreciation and the love of the expectation, not just in the expectation itself.

The kind of expectation I am addressing is the kind that takes a loving man, woman or child and turns them into a blood thirsty lunatic when they aren't getting their own way....  Sound familiar?!?!

I've heard the argument "respect and love should be expected from our children, family, friends and spouses" or "without expectations there isn't anything for anyone to work towards".

What about when your expectations totally take over your life.  You expect this from one person, this from another and something else from someone else.  Your life is full of expectations of others.

Are you living a life where you are expecting everything from everyone outside of you?  Do you find yourself in a state of consistent disappointment and unhappiness?  Are you unwilling to carry out the exact expectations you are putting on someone else? 

If you answered yes to these questions.  Let me ask you:  How is this working for you?

I'm guessing that it isn't....

The good news is that this is really easy to change.

The next time you have the opportunity to expect something from someone (and there is ALWAYS another opportunity).  Take a moment and re-evaluate the situation.  Ask yourself if there is a benefit to this expectation or will it leave you feeling unloved, unworthy and unappreciated if the other person doesn't follow through? 

Relax your expectations a little.  Relax them until you feel happiness and relaxation instead of stress and frustration.  Until your relationships blossom and feel good to you.  Until you receive something you didn't expect.

What you may find is that the less pressure you put on the people in your life, the more room there is for harmony in your relationships, and the less room there is for stress and frustration!

Besides, the only person we can really expect anything from; is ourselves.  And even that's a challenge some days....

Apology NOT accepted!

I am an apology-a-holic!

I would in the past, excuse myself, apologize and change my opinion if my opinion didn't suit the majority in almost all situations.

As children we are taught to apologize to people whom we have wronged, but sometimes I think it goes too far.  A friend of mind described a situation where her son was asked to apologize for something he did to his uncle.  Everyone was expecting an apology from the little boy who was obviously upset over the situation, no one was focused on the fact that the uncle (who I might add should know better) was behaving in a way that supported the boy's retaliation.  Hmmmm.  My friend stood her ground and did not pressure for an apology much to the criticism of her family.  I applaud her!

When I think of all of the things I have apologized for in the past, it makes me cringe.  All the times I would offer my opinion and then instantaneously take it back (or better yet not share my opinion at all).  I've gone almost so far as to tell the entire world that I am nothing more than a brainless kook and that I am terribly sorry that I am occupying space here on earth. 


Not too long ago, I dug out letters that my husband has kept from our dating years.  I was 16 at the time, my parents were separating and I was the oldest which meant most of the time I was the one being blamed for their lives falling apart (truthfully, I was just the distraction, or surrogate for the blame and shame they felt for their own failings in their marriage, but that's a whole other blog post).  Anyway, in each and every letter I am begging my now husband for forgiveness.  For what?  I haven't a clue.  Probably because I ate the last chip (something I would definitely do!)

The point is that I can remember being apologetic all of my life!  I can remember not offering an opinion because I knew the ramifications of that within my family. 

This behaviour at 16 definitely continues to inhabit my life in the present moment.  Little did I know at the time, but I was setting up a system where anything that happened, whether I did it or not, no matter how trivial, I would apologize, let my hubby or whoever else off the hook and continue along a path of self loathing, humiliation and guilt, kicking myself for doing whatever terrible thing I think I did.

I would beg him for forgiveness, sometimes offer some sort of sexual favour to seal the deal so that he wouldn't kick my sorry ass to the curb and promise to never do whatever it was I did again.  I was never specific in my letters, I think subconsciously I felt a need to apologize for all that I was so that he would continue to love me and he would forgive me for being such a pathetic imp.

I was so desperate then, to have someone love me, that I would do anything to have it and keep it.  I needed to feel wanted and loved, supported and protected.  I never felt that growing up and so as I developed into a young woman I felt like I needed to do whatever it took to maintain what I had whenever I had it. 


My husband is the most loving man on the planet, he probably didn't see a need for me to apologize, however on some level it made him feel superior and worthy and so the situation continued day after day.

We have now been married for 18 years.  And I have come to a point in my life where I no longer feel the need to apologize for everything, which is an interesting turn of events in a household where I do all of the apologizing.  It causes quite a stir I'll tell you.  I take ownership when it feels right and is warranted of course, but the rest of the time it's a non issue and I have begun to recognize instances where I am put in a position where the other person wants me to apologize and there is pressure to do so, it is an uncomfortable place to be, which is great because somewhere in my being I am recognizing that it is not right to be pressured for an apology.  It must come from the heart and not attached to a price tag.

Anyway, I guess what I'd like to say is I wish someone would have said to me in one of my apologizing for nothing moments "Apology not accepted.  Because you have nothing to apologize for, you are simply perfect the way you are, you are not malice or manipulative, you live from your heart and that needs no apology EVER!"

Can you imagine saying that to your child the next time he/she spills a cup of milk all over the floor?  Or when he/she brings home a grade lower than the one you were expecting. 

In those moments, (and you know this because you were there once) they are feeling shame and guilt already, your expectations for them to apologize for their "mistakes" only exaggerate those feelings and cement them into the psyche so that they will last a lifetime longer than they need to.

People on Pedestal's

Have you ever put someone up on a pedestal?  Be honest?

Everyone does at one time or another.  You have a teacher you admire, up he/she goes on the pedestal.  You have a friend that seems to have it all, up she goes on the pedestal.  You have a loved one that has passed away, yep you got it, up on the pedestal they go.  We put celebrities on pedestal's only to disband them when they fail us in some way.

It's an amazing phenomenon really.  Our ability to see things in others that create a sense of respect and awe in us so much so that we put them in a category all their own.  They don't ask us of course to admire them so, we just do.

Did you know that much of what you see in others that you admire, that you yourself hold the same qualities?  It's true.  Also, 99% of the time the very person you've come to put up on a pedestal is dealing with their own demons, their own saboteurs, their own challenges.  And here we are thinking that they are so much better than we are...

I had an interesting conversation with my son tonight after a soccer game.  He was in tears because he didn't feel he did good enough during the game.  He tried to get a couple of shots on net only to have 2 stronger players take the ball away.  I assured him that he did the best he could and that ultimately it's more than just getting goals (although to a 12 year that is all there is to playing!), it's your entire contribution to the team as a whole not just one part.  You see the problem he was having is that he was feeling inadequate because one of the boys on the team insists that he is the best player on the team.  He regularly tells all of the other children this and because they believe it they themselves begin to feel inferior and incapable of doing what this boy seems to think he can do.  In this case the boy in question started the building of the pedestal and the other boys followed through and hoisted him up.  Although I don't agree with the gloating, many people who are their own best cheerleader become quite successful in life because of their views of themselves (maybe not the most popular but certainly successful : )

I asked my son what was stopping him from admitting his own greatness?  What was stopping him from declaring himself a pro soccer player?  He replied that there is usually only one "best" person.  Hmmm

Maybe you've been the one that's been put on a pedestal.  How did that feel?  It's a difficult position to be in really, you've got other people's expectations on you and you yourself cannot see why they depend on you so much because of the host of issues you have within yourself.  And if you fall from the pedestal for nothing more than being human you are immediately surrounded by negativity and accusations. 




The next time you feel the need to put someone up on a pedestal because you admire some of the qualities they hold. STOP.  Look within yourself for those same qualities!  They are there waiting to be noticed and appreciated.