Hungover

I have a hangover!

Not the kind of hangover that involved a night full of fun and laughter with friends, delicious drinks and loud music.

Not at all.

Bummer.

This hangover is from feeling ashamed for the past two days.  And while in reality my shame came from some very small, seemingly insignicant events, that I am told by my friends and family has no reflection on who I truly am.  It is still shame.  I still felt it, for whatever reason. 

And shame has a way of doing some damage to the mind/body/spirit when it strikes.  I'm not sure because I've never ACTUALLY been sat on by a sumu wrestler, but I pretty much feel like I have been sat on by one.  In fact, probably the biggest one on the sumu team!

The thing of it is, that logically, in my brain and heart I am completely aware of what has happened to me.  I know that it is an over reaction.  I know that there is no basis for me to feel this shame and still it happened.

It had to happen.

Because everything is in divine and perfect order.  Nothing is out of place and every moment that we experience is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves.

(can you tell I've been trying affirmations to kick this shame in the butt?)

I have learned something through all of this though.  I've learned that it helps to share the emotion being stirred up by the shame.  It helps to be heard.  It helps to have someone say "oh my goodness, I've experienced that too".  It helps to know that feeling ashamed isn't a bad thing, but letting it stop you from living is.

So, here's to living.  With and without shame (hopefully more of the latter though).

Cheers!

I Almost Killed Someone Today...

I brought pizza sauce to my mentoring this morning and there is an allergy to mushrooms in the building.

The pizza sauce itself didn't have mushrooms (so obviously I thought it was fine to bring) but the factory it was manufactured in has mushrooms within it and the allergy itself is an airborne allergy.

So of course my intention was not to kill anyone with my pizza making idea and why I didn't see the signs posted on the cupboard doors saying 'no pizza within the building' is beyond me and why I even thought of bringing any food in when I knew there was an allergy potential is beyond me! 

It might have been a slim chance that anything would provoke an allergic reaction but provisions were made and the person made the decision to leave the building for the day just in case.

I wanted to throw up!

My stomach turned and I felt ashamed of myself (for the second time in the same amount of days!  WTF!)

Needless to say pizza doesn't taste so good when it could potentially be a murder weapon.

I apologized profusely for my stupid error and for being stupid and for being born!

Stupid, stupid, stupid (hand slapping forehead).

Flowers will be sent to try and apologize for almost killing her.

ACK!

The shame is gagging me.  I am finding I can hardly breathe.  I want to crawl under a rock and die.

The staff were lovely, just lovely.  "It's happened before, it'll happen again" yada yada yada.  But it doesn't matter.  The damage is done.  The little girl inside of me is in the fetal position and I want to yack up my crackers.  My face is eggshell white (moreso than usual!) and I'm having a hard time swallowing.

Shame is yucky!

That's it.  That's all.  Shame is yucky.

Have we all lost our minds????

So Sunday morning I open up my facebook to see a picture of a woman standing next to her son.  Her son is wearing a big sign that says "I lie, I steal, I sell drugs, I don't follow the law".

A local media guy was going to be presenting this story on his morning radio show and was asking what listeners thought about it.  His question "Are we too soft on our kids?"

This mom from Indiana is fed up with her 14 year old son's nasty behaviour (no doubt).  She says that when he's caught by authorities all he gets is a few hours of community service and she feels that punishment hasn't been enough since he hasn't changed his ways.
So, this story for me was shocking enough.  I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams no matter how badly my boys behaved putting a sign on them to shame and humiliate them into behaving better.

But then I read all of the comments by local followers, condoning this parental behaviour.  In fact going so far as to cheer this mother on, saying that our kids are 'too soft' these days, that the child deserves what he's getting, on and on and on.  Really? 

These might be the same parents that go to the school when their child is being bullied and take it out on staff.  Adopting kind of a 'no one else can bully my child but me' attitude.

As for the 'our children are too soft' comments.  Really?  Our children spend their days dodging bullies on playgrounds (and within their homes) and playing video games like Grand Theft Auto.  The lyrics to the songs they love promote violence, hate, racism and degradation.  The television shows they watch are putrid and further condone bullying and teasing of others and some of our kids are experiencing their friends taking their lives!

Too soft?  I think not!  If anything I think our children are in crisis and who is going to change this around if every parent in the world thinks that they need more humiliation and desensitization?

I shared this story with a friend who is a very talented, very caring child and  youth worker in the public school system and she said to me "and we wonder why we have a bullying epidemic".

Let me make this clear to you all.  Children are not born 'bad' they are not born with behaviours we don't appreciate.  They are born ready and willing to learn and guess who they are learning from?  You guessed it!  YOU!  If a child chooses behaviours that are out of this world nasty they are doing it because it's been shown to them and/or there is a deeper reason for it.  They are seeking something.  Usually they are seeking acceptance and love from the people in their lives.

I would love to poll the parents who responded to that facebook article and ask them how many of them have loving, strong relationships with their parents.  My guess is that very few of them do and even more, the reason would be that their parents shamed and humiliated them at some point in their lives and didn't accept and love them the way they needed.

I have taught children non-violent alternatives to bullying, peaceful thought practices for well over 10 years and everytime I see the light in these kids eyes turn on!  When we empower our children they make choices that enhance their lives.  When we degrade and humiliate our children they turn to other ways to get their needs met.  Simple as that.

I can't imagine how that boy felt, standing there with his head hung in shame.  I can't imagine the pain that he feels on a daily basis or how he is going to take that out on his future family or if he will even make it that far.

I think it's time we re-evaluate our positions as parents or the world is going to further into hell in a handbasket.

The Power in Me

There is an infinite power that lives within each of us.  It's ours.  We are responsible for it.

So why then do we insist on giving this power away to others?

We all do it.

In fact, I did it just the other day.

In an instant, you can go from being excited and enthusiastic about life to depressed and hopeless.  And all because you decided that someone else had more power over your life than you do yourself.

A phone call this morning reminded me of the importance of keeping our power.

It's important that we not lose sight that we are solely responsible for ourselves. 

Placing blame on someone whether it's because we think they hurt us or because they didn't live up to our expectations in a moment that we needed them to be something they couldn't be; means that we are giving our power over to them.  We have given our power away and we have assumed the role of 'victim'.

This never feels good to the body. 

When you are powerless you will use words that will describe to everyone around you how you have been 'hard done by' or 'victimized' somehow.  Like people are out to get you.  Like people DO things TO you on purpose because you are powerless.

But this is not the real truth.  And to take back your power means simply to make a conscious decision not to let someone else rule your emotional well-being.  It means not letting someone else make decisions for you.  It means becoming responsible for your feelings and being honest with yourself about how willing you were to let your power slip into anothers hands.

It's helpful in every situation that you find yourself losing hope, to take a breath and ask yourself "why do I feel like this?"  "What is happening here that I need to look closer at?"  "Why am I giving my power to someone else?" "What purpose is this serving in my emotional pain body?"

You can give your power over to someone freely if you enjoy feeling like a victim in your life.  9 times out of 10 that other person doesn't want ownership of your power anyway, they barely know how to keep their own to themselves!

It's exciting to me when I recognize where I've given my power to someone.  It gives me an opportunity to make a change and turn things around.  Get my body back into balance and get back into the flow of a happy life.

Where have you given your power away? 

Is today the day you take it back?

Apology NOT accepted!

I am an apology-a-holic!

I would in the past, excuse myself, apologize and change my opinion if my opinion didn't suit the majority in almost all situations.

As children we are taught to apologize to people whom we have wronged, but sometimes I think it goes too far.  A friend of mind described a situation where her son was asked to apologize for something he did to his uncle.  Everyone was expecting an apology from the little boy who was obviously upset over the situation, no one was focused on the fact that the uncle (who I might add should know better) was behaving in a way that supported the boy's retaliation.  Hmmmm.  My friend stood her ground and did not pressure for an apology much to the criticism of her family.  I applaud her!

When I think of all of the things I have apologized for in the past, it makes me cringe.  All the times I would offer my opinion and then instantaneously take it back (or better yet not share my opinion at all).  I've gone almost so far as to tell the entire world that I am nothing more than a brainless kook and that I am terribly sorry that I am occupying space here on earth. 


Not too long ago, I dug out letters that my husband has kept from our dating years.  I was 16 at the time, my parents were separating and I was the oldest which meant most of the time I was the one being blamed for their lives falling apart (truthfully, I was just the distraction, or surrogate for the blame and shame they felt for their own failings in their marriage, but that's a whole other blog post).  Anyway, in each and every letter I am begging my now husband for forgiveness.  For what?  I haven't a clue.  Probably because I ate the last chip (something I would definitely do!)

The point is that I can remember being apologetic all of my life!  I can remember not offering an opinion because I knew the ramifications of that within my family. 

This behaviour at 16 definitely continues to inhabit my life in the present moment.  Little did I know at the time, but I was setting up a system where anything that happened, whether I did it or not, no matter how trivial, I would apologize, let my hubby or whoever else off the hook and continue along a path of self loathing, humiliation and guilt, kicking myself for doing whatever terrible thing I think I did.

I would beg him for forgiveness, sometimes offer some sort of sexual favour to seal the deal so that he wouldn't kick my sorry ass to the curb and promise to never do whatever it was I did again.  I was never specific in my letters, I think subconsciously I felt a need to apologize for all that I was so that he would continue to love me and he would forgive me for being such a pathetic imp.

I was so desperate then, to have someone love me, that I would do anything to have it and keep it.  I needed to feel wanted and loved, supported and protected.  I never felt that growing up and so as I developed into a young woman I felt like I needed to do whatever it took to maintain what I had whenever I had it. 


My husband is the most loving man on the planet, he probably didn't see a need for me to apologize, however on some level it made him feel superior and worthy and so the situation continued day after day.

We have now been married for 18 years.  And I have come to a point in my life where I no longer feel the need to apologize for everything, which is an interesting turn of events in a household where I do all of the apologizing.  It causes quite a stir I'll tell you.  I take ownership when it feels right and is warranted of course, but the rest of the time it's a non issue and I have begun to recognize instances where I am put in a position where the other person wants me to apologize and there is pressure to do so, it is an uncomfortable place to be, which is great because somewhere in my being I am recognizing that it is not right to be pressured for an apology.  It must come from the heart and not attached to a price tag.

Anyway, I guess what I'd like to say is I wish someone would have said to me in one of my apologizing for nothing moments "Apology not accepted.  Because you have nothing to apologize for, you are simply perfect the way you are, you are not malice or manipulative, you live from your heart and that needs no apology EVER!"

Can you imagine saying that to your child the next time he/she spills a cup of milk all over the floor?  Or when he/she brings home a grade lower than the one you were expecting. 

In those moments, (and you know this because you were there once) they are feeling shame and guilt already, your expectations for them to apologize for their "mistakes" only exaggerate those feelings and cement them into the psyche so that they will last a lifetime longer than they need to.