Triggered!

Everybody has experienced a time or two (or three thousand) where a situation, comment or action triggers us and sends us into an emotional tailspin.

When suddenly the mole hill we've been dealt becomes Mount Everest and logic goes out the window and we immerse ourselves in the passionate distress of the moment.

I had one of those moments this week.

Immediately, my body felt like it had been kicked in the stomach and I took on feelings of betrayal, entitlement and victimhood.

An ugly combination for sure!

Fortunately, I was aware of why I was feeling this way, the past memory I held onto and the connection it had to this new situation.  I was able to acknowledge it and through the kindness of a listening friend was able to say the words out loud "I feel betrayed.  I feel like just once I would like something for myself.  I feel like I can't trust this person again".  I was able to release the emotion that was stirring inside of me and cried from a place so deep inside of me that I knew that I was getting rid of something that was holding me back.

This is something I've always struggled with.  Being emotionally authentic.  I'm always good with the feel good stuff, but when it comes to what I judge as the 'uglier' emotions I just don't allow myself to be real.  This time though I was able to be real and honest about these feelings.  It's hard to speak out loud some of the things that I did that day.  It's hard to admit sometimes because I would just prefer to be happy and joyful all the time and ignore the moments of rage, disappointment and resentment. 

The great thing is that saying them out loud, letting my emotion come out and honouring all of it, shone a light on the trigger and it almost instantly melted away.

In fact, not only was the trigger gone but over the next couple of days I began to see that by moving through this situation I was able to release something that I had no idea was still lurking around inside of me.

I began to see the gift in the situation instead of stewing about how someone had 'done me wrong'.

Because really at the end of the day, it's never about the person who brings the trigger to your attention.  It's all about you and how you respond and heal yourself.

I WILL disappoint you. I PROMISE!

It's not like I do it on purpose.  It just comes naturally!

I think I might get a t-shirt made for this one!

Of course we've all disappointed someone at one time or another.   We are human afterall.  And this is a human experience we are having. 

You simply have not lived until you've experienced the phone call or email berating you for being so irresponsible and uncaring!

(disclaimer - the implication that one is irresponsible and uncaring when they have disappointed is an assumption on the part of the accuser and does not realistically reflect the integrity of the disappointee)

This topic is huge for some people right now.  Maybe it's all part of the collective 'AHA' that's happening right now. 

I've spoken to a few people who are experiencing being put on an invisible pedestal only to find that they are quickly booted off due to a moment of disappointment.

Ah, the game of life.  Seriously, where in the rule book does it say that our lives are to be lived only to please the unpleaseable?  On what page does it read that I will sacrifice my peace of mind and loving heart to stay friends with someone who clearly doesn't get the meaning of the word 'friendship'.

FYI for those of you who are just waking up.  Friendship is not a one way street where one person gets to make all the demands and the other person has to clean up all of your messes for you.  Friendship is a give and take, it's an unspoken contract of mutual respect and responsibility.

I will never forget one girl in Grade 8 (a gazillion years ago!) delivering her speech about friendship.  It turned into a red faced crying fiasco where the teacher had to escort her out of the room; but for me her words made a huge impact on my heart and have never left me.

People and relationships get hurt when foolishness enters the ring. 

It makes me wonder?  Is it the initial act that wreaks havoc on the relationship or is it the assumptions, blame and judgement that come afterward?

Personally, if someone thinks I disappointed them on purpose and out of malice, they never really knew me in the first place and will be handed a one way ticket out of my world.  To truly know someone is to know what they are capable of and where their heart is at.

For the disappointed, I have one question for you.  Who do you think you are?

I also want to give those who are currently feeling disappointed with anything or anyone in their lives a little tip.  You are not REALLY disappointed with that person or circumstance, you are REALLY disappointed in yourself!  Blaming someone else is avoiding the obvious need to look within yourself and correct the issue.  It's time to realize that we are not the center of the Universe, that life happens and we need to take responsibility for our lives and our emotional state.

Can I get an Amen?

What comes next....

Last night's emotional explosion allowed me to release a ton of pent up energy, but at the expense of my family, their friends and their carefree Sunday evening plans.

So what comes next?

I went to bed last night in tears hoping for a good nights sleep and a better morning.

This morning the sun is shining, I'm feeling really groggy; emotional explosions tend to make me feel hung over and drowsy the next day and I have my apology all thought out.

The apology part is really important for me.  I know I behaved badly (like a 3 year old deciding a temper tantrum might get her the toy she really really wants) and after a nights sleep I can see that my feelings of inappreciation and disrespect were off the mark and my mental/physical exhaustion was what prompted me to feel that way in the first place.

Plus, my imagination had convinced me that the ongoings of my family yesterday were all a conspiracy to drive me off the deep end.  Oh that silly imagination!

The truth is I set myself up for this meltdown all week, running here and there, meeting deadlines, filling my mind with moments other than the one I was in, spreading myself too thin with each moment adding to the ticking time bomb that was developing inside of me.

So why apologize to the kids?  Won't that make me look weak?  Won't that make me look wrong?

Um, no.  To both of those.

Apologizing to our kids when we feel remorseful about what's transpired shows them how to do the same in similar circumstances.  It shows them that we are humans too and that we're learning as we go and sometimes we do things we have to apologize for.  It gives us an opportunity to sit down and talk with our kids about our feelings, to bring about greater understanding of what just happened.

Admitting we made a mistake or that we were wrong brings us closer to our kids.  It doesn't give them some invisible power over us, rather it empowers them to take responsibility for their actions when the time comes.

So don't hold back on the apologies when it comes to your kids.  Let them see your humanness, let them see that you can make a mistake but that you know how to correct it and make it right again.  It might just bring you closer together.  Imagine that!

You are the Captain of your Relation-Ship!

I picked up a book off my bookshelf the other day called "Complaint Free Relationships" written by Will Bowen.

I purchased this book over a year ago and hadn't even opened it!

This weekend was a 'soul searching' weekend.  Nothing I had planned, it just sort of happened.

Anyway, I love how when you are ready to conquer a belief system, the tools and ideals magically appear in front of you. 

This book is one of those tools.

The book speaks about the state of our relationships with ourselves and others are based on perceptions in the mind.

This information isn't new to me, and at the same time it is!

Think about that person that you work with that you absolutely cannot stand.  Think about your thoughts while on your way to work.  What are they saying about this loathesome being?  I'm pretty sure they are not good thoughts.

If you are having nasty thoughts about this co-worker, then it shouldn't be a surprise to you when he/she behaves exactly as you expect them to behave.  Energetically, they are living up to your expectations.

Whoa!

Did you feel that shift?!?  I certainly did!

I spent some time yesterday releasing all sorts of people and the perceptions that I had held about them.

Often times we feel victimized.  We feel we've been done wrong at some point by the people in our lives.  We sit with that wrong doing and we review it daily, adding bits and pieces of things to the story that make it sound 'better'.  We do this for days, months and years.  The mind is loving this!

What we forget in the midst of all of this victimization behaviour is that we have all the power inside of us to change this situation.  It's a matter of making a choice.

Last night as I sat in meditation, my heart was filled with so much love and compassion for the people in my life whom I've filled my relation-ship with negative photos of.  I began to see myself taking down those photos & perceptions of them and revealed all sorts of wonderful memories and pictures that were hidden by the yucky ones I had placed on top of them.  What a relief I felt as I drifted off to sleep, knowing that those pictures were gone, that I had made a choice to make a change.

I have been holding onto some ugly, ugly perceptions of people.  Something I'm deciding to let go of.

All those perceptions do is make me feel sad, alone, frustrated and angry, which leads to behaviour I normally would not entertain!

This simple meditation has filled me with so much forgiveness.  Because in reality there is nothing to forgive, it was all made up in my mind!

The people involved in our victimization stories haven't done anything 'wrong'.  They haven't done anything TO us. 

We've done it to ourselves!

Don't believe everything your mind tells you...

When I was a young girl, I remember being able to stay up late to watch a movie, all the lights were off in the house and as I sat watching television something under a cabinet caught my eye and I stared at it from my position on the couch. The longer I looked at it, the more it looked like a glowing eye. The more I thought about it being a glowing eye, the more I convinced myself that there was a snake with a glowing eye under the cabinet. I was frozen in my spot. I wanted to run up to my room, I wanted to turn my attention back to the movie, yet I couldn’t. My mind was beginning to create a story about a snake in my house, that had a glowing eye, that if I moved out of my spot it would spring towards me and bite me. I was terrified.


In the morning I went back to the cabinet, got down on my hands and knees and discovered that the very thing that I was terrified of was in fact a piece of foil from a candy.

Not much has changed in my mind over the years.

Countless times on road trips my mind would turn uprooted tree trunks into bears or moose. Reflectors on the side of the road into glowing eyes in the night.

I spend lots of time unravelling the stories in my mind, desolving them into nothing more than an overactive imagination and the ego‘s need for attention.

The stories in our mind can paralyze us if we aren’t aware of what is happening.

Our minds are powerful tools of creation. We’ve all heard the term “what you think about you bring about”.

This statement is absolutely true.

Our minds can create stories of triumph or of tragedy, of courage or victimization.

How many times have we had a non sense thought about ourselves, an event or a relationship, allowed that thought to trigger a wound in our emotional body and then further allowed it to go about having a life of it’s own all the while we suffer through it.

The suffering can stop if you wish it to stop.

And all that needs to happen for the suffering to stop is to become aware that what you are reacting to isn’t the truth. It isn’t reality. What you are reacting to is a fabrication of the mind. A thought that has been allowed to run rampant. A fish tale if you will.

Invite yourself into your mind. Dismantle the story that is being played over and over again in your mind. Take a really good look at whether that story you are playing in your head is making you feel better or worse about yourself. Is it bringing you peace or pain? Is it assisting or hindering your forward movement in life?

When I question my thoughts and stories, they magically transform. They sometimes become nothing, they lose their “power” over me. And sometimes taking a closer look at these thoughts helps me to gain more awareness about my world, about how I process information and how I unnecessarily react to situations.

It’s absolutely marvellous!

A Work of Art

There's no doubt about it.  Families are interesting works of art.


I could have said "families are a real piece of work" and that may sound just as true to you, however lately I have been looking at my family with clearer vision and I would have to say that they are definitely a "work of art".


The very role that each of my family members has played in my life has been nothing short of miraculous to be honest.


I was remembering my dad the other night, just out of the blue his image popped into my head.  I was a young girl in this image and I was looking at my dad in adoration.  I truly believed he was a hero.  In his earth story he was an alcoholic with what seemed little time for his family.  What I saw in my image was a man who was doing the best he could with what he had at the time, he loved us deeply and his addiction got in the way.  Nevertheless, as a young girl this man was a hero, strong and nurturing.  Thankfully I got to see this strong and nurturing side as an adult when he walked away from his addiction to start fresh.  


My mother.  Our relationship has never been an easy one (name one daughter who has ever NOT had conflict with her mother) and at the moment seems to be dangling dangerously from an invisible thread.  As a child I remember feeling my mother wasn't so happy.  Not completely sure in whether she belonged where she was standing.  What I saw in my image was a woman with dreams and desires, amazed at how quickly they were forgotten beneath a pile of laundry and a house full of kids to feed.  I do remember, much like me, she struggled with being a stay at home mom and working outside the home to contribute financially.
To be honest I most likely wouldn't be a stay at home mom if it wasn't for my mother, she was who I wanted to be.  The person who kissed the kids as they left for school and welcomed them home at the end of the day, the person who gathered everyone to the dinner table to spend quality time together.


My little sister.  Our relationship is most likely the truest form of love/hate you will ever see.  I think this is true for most sisters actually.  Growing up we fought constantly about clothes, hair, music and breathing (much like my own children do today).  As adults we do a great job of getting on eachother's nerves.  I like to think she had a hand at teaching me to stand up for myself and toughen up, back then she was one of the toughest people I knew, I was scared shitless of her too!  It seemed she hated everything about me until I would find that she was borrowing my clothes and then I realized there may have been a piece of her (buried somewhere deep inside) that actually liked me.  Maybe she just liked my clothes, I like to think my clothes symbolized me...  Please don't burst my bubble.


My little brother.  He came into my life when I was around 11.  My parents had been fostering children for years and decided to adopt.  I won't forget the day I met him or the day he left our lives.  Brothers are very different than sisters.  From the very beginning of our time together I felt this strange need to nurture and protect him.  Maybe because I knew he was fragile and would need some guidance, I call this "big sister syndrome" I seemed all too eager to "save" people from themselves in the good old days.  My brother taught me compassion and in the end offered me an opportunity I couldn't resist.  To live my talk.


My 1/2 brother and I have a different kind of relationship.  He is 20 years younger than I am, came into my life as I was having my own children and so I assumed a more distant role in his life since I was busy raising my children.  I hazard to guess he's never been thrilled with my presence when I was around, since I was usually trying to parent him.  I regret that now.  What he needed was a big sister, not another parent.  2 of those is ALWAYS enough!


I've come to realize that as much as we've had our difficulties, our ups and downs, ins and outs, each person plays their part extremely well, each like a color spread across canvas, each one lending a different perspective and depth to the piece.  Without each color blending into the next I wouldn't be who I am, all of them blended together created....me. 


Like I said families are a work of art.

If you love someone.......

An interesting thought has come to mind this morning that I thought I'd share.

When we are fully engaged in a relationship, whether it is spouse, friend or family member; do we fully appreciate, understand and know the other person?  Do we truly connect with the gift that they are in our lives to provide?

I've had this happen so many times in my life and I'm just wondering why it happens.  You have a relationship and it goes along nicely and sometimes gradually or abruptly the relationship comes to an end (this part I get, it's a natural part of evolution).  When the end is near one of two things may happen.  Either we part silently, each of us understanding and accepting that our time together has come to an end or (and here is the part I'm not totally sure about) there is a need for closure by either one of us, there are words, accusations and blame exchanged or some sort of resistance to departure that takes place (I know some people who have been stalked after ending a relationship).

In all of the instances when I have experienced the latter I am always surprised at the things that are said to me, that make me think and feel like that person never truly understood who I was in the first place.  It is hurtful in the beginning until I take the time to understand why it took place the way it did.

One could argue that perhaps we don't share our whole selves with them and there wasn't an opportunity for them to truly get to know us.  That's a possibility.  But if you are someone who shares your whole heart with someone, is able and willing to help when necessary in any capacity that is required and is available to the other person when they are in need of a listening ear or comforting hug then how can they be so accusatory when the relationship ends?

We've all been here.  We've all been in relationships that simply did not meet our requirements any longer, some actually become toxic and smothering.  I'm sure we've also all been accused of being someone we are not even when we've given our absolute best selves to these people.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to fear.  They know in their hearts the kind of person you are and how much their life has benefited from you being a part of it.  When that relationship comes to an end I believe that it is our overwhelming fear of never finding that in a relationship again that makes us engage in behaviour that is less than desirable.  There is a need to hurt the other person as badly as they have hurt us.

Of course every situation is different, but I believe that one thing remains the same.  If there is a need to end a relationship then it is because the relationship no longer serves the highest purpose of the people involved.  You cannot stay in a relationship hoping to save someone from themselves, you cannot stay in a relationship hoping to change someone and you cannot stay in a relationship out of obligation.  Staying in a relationship where you do not belong is toxic to you and it hinders the growth of the other person.  They will not be able to move forward in their life lessons if you are still attached to them.

It's like that saying "If you love someone let them go". 

People grow and evolve sometimes at lightning speed, the person you are today is not the person (hopefully) you will be in 6 months and so how can your relationships stay the same unless you have friends who are moving at exactly the same pace that you are  This is extremely rare by the way!

I have had friends leave my life, only to find that 2 or more years down the road there they are again, but we are different, something has changed in us so that we can once again bless each other's lives with our presence. You know that all is in perfect order when that happens and you can allow yourself to get to know this person again as they are now, not as they were then.


May you be blessed with loving friends and family, and my you also be blessed with the knowledge that we are not each other's keepers and the greatest gift you can give is to be open to moving with the flow of life and allowing people to come and go as they please without holding resentment and anger towards them for doing so.