All I know...

I just stepped onto the bus when my son said "Mom, you need to sit with him".  He was directing his request to a boy that was sitting alone behind the seat that he was in.

We were on our way to a field trip and all the kids were snickering as I sat next to this boy.

I introduced myself to this boy and he seemed really nice.  We talked about the production we were about to go see.  He told me that they had already watched the Phantom of the Opera movie and I explained I had only ever heard some of the music, had never really had the opportunity to see either the movie or the theatre performance.

We chatted some more about the book he was reading.  Diary of a Wimpy Kid.  My boys loved those books.  He told me a bit about how he really is enjoying the 'do it yourself' version of the series where he can write his own stories.

We have something in common.  A friend. 
That's when I knew why I was sitting with this boy.

He turned to me and said "My dad's girlfriend was pregnant and the baby died forty five minutes after she was born".

I asked him how he felt about it.  He said he was sad.  They were all ready to receive this new baby into their family and now there's all this baby stuff and no baby to use it.

That's when I told him I knew exactly how he felt.  I shared in small detail my own son's death.  I told him it's a hard thing to go through but that one day he will see just how important that baby was even though she didn't live a very long life.

The kids around me were quick to point out  this boys' flaws.  One girl said he yelled out in the hallway that he liked her hair and thought she was pretty (I can think of worse things he could've yelled).  She turned up her nose in that way girls do and said "I don't like him, I don't want to be his girlfriend".  Another boy gave me a look like "you poor thing, you have to sit beside him" and then proceeded to tell me what this boy has done in his 'past'. 

I turned to them both and I said "It doesn't matter to me what he has done or how you feel about him.  He seems really nice and we're having a good conversation".

He sat next to me in the theatre too.  At intermission he bought himself a bag of chips and a candy bar of which was confiscated by a teacher.  It didn't matter that myself and every other kid had some form of snack in their hand, he wasn't allowed to have his, he was told he wasn't allowed to buy anything (despite the fact that there were vendors walking up and down the aisle selling snacks!).

Why do we do this to kids?  Why do we label them bad because they have made some poor choices. 

At 11 years old this boy most likely doesn't feel he has an option but to behave in the way that he does.  Some of his behaviour is most likely a survival mechanism.  Should he be shamed because he is simply trying to survive?

Our children are not born 'bad' or 'disruptive' or 'dangerous'.  They are taught to believe that these behaviours are acceptable.

My son said to me "Mom, he just doesn't have a very nice home life". 

I am so glad I got to be the one to sit in that seat next to him today.  I'm so glad that I got the opportunity to be the one that God wanted that boy to experience today.

I don't know his whole story.  I don't know the trouble he has caused.  I don't know the truth of the situation.  All I know is that he is a boy, a human being who deserves respect and love because we all deserve respect and love.

That's all I know.

Natural Consequences... A Parents Best Friend

How many times have you stepped into a situation to try and 'save' your child from natural consequences?

The fact is, this happens ALOT!  This is a pandemic in the parenting world if you ask me. 

It's what I like to call the 'my child is perfect' syndrome.

Parents intervening at school, blaming teachers for their child's behaviour.  Going head to head with team coaches so that their kids get more play time in the game.  Even going so far as to congratulate their children when they have hurt another.

What is wrong with us?!?!?!

We can all think of at least one adult in our life who was raised with this parental attitude.  They don't  take responsibility for their own behaviour, often times they have severe addictions, mommy and daddy are still helping them out financially (with little to no appreciation I might add), they blame and expect others to do their bidding in life.  And they whine when life isn't handing them all that they desire on a silver platter.

Does this sound like the kind of adult you want your child to be?

What I have learned through the years is that life is a great teacher and motivator.  One way it does this is through natural consequences.  Natural consequences aren't about someone else stepping in and 'saving' someone from their behaviour.  It's about nature itself taking care of what isn't balanced and sending a message. 

We see it all the time as adults.  Speeders get tickets (usually) or one day experience an accident (both are natural consequences).  If  you don't pay your taxes or mortgage you lose your house (a natural consequence), if you don't pay your utilities they get shut off (a natural consequence).  If you don't show up at work you get fired (yet another natural consequence).

So how come we don't want our children to learn from natural consequences?  Because they seem too harsh?  Because we don't want to look like bad parents?  Because it might cost us money?

If children were meant to be saved from all of the 'terrible' things out in the world that could possibly happen, they would've come with a giant plastic bubble.

The child who ignores curfew will one day be spoken to by police, have his name written down and will be driven home by said police (been there done that).  If your child goes to a school dance drunk they will most likely kick him out or have the police called on them.  If your child doesn't do his/her homework or show up to class they will fail or not get into the college/university of their dreams.  If your child has unprotected sex, they will most likely (eventually) encounter a natural consequence to that as well.

As much as it is hard to step back and allow life to teach our children, it is much more rewarding to see them learning for themselves in a natural setting and to be honest forcing your child to learn a lesson YOU want him/her to learn is time consuming, stressful and does not make for a very productive relationship at all.

So next time your child refuses to learn your way.  Allow life to step in and give him the lesson he truly needs.

Give it a shot.  I'm guessing you have nothing to lose.