Have you ever had a moment when you wanted to give it all up? Not a suicidal moment, in fact not a thinking moment at all. Not a negative experience, just a real experience. A moment where it seems nothing is real and if you woke up tomorrow and it was all gone you would feel relieved?
I had one of those moments yesterday. It was a split second visual of life up to this point flashing before my eyes and my brain wondering what it's all been for and my heart totally reaction-less.
It was strange and surreal and.......strange.
Strange mostly because this is not how I normally feel at all about my life. So (of course) I questioned the validity of the moment. Where did it come from? Why did it exist at all? What purpose does it serve? Is it something I need to look more carefully at? Was it fear? Would I really be relieved if it were all gone tomorrow?
Honestly, I answered yes to that last question.
Maybe it's my addiction to the tv show 'House Hunters International'. Seeing all those people give it all up to move to a remote location and live their dream life is SO appealling to me. I feel like I could literally go with one suitcase and start a fresh life.
As strange as the moment was. It definitely felt like I instantly became clear about the concept of nothingness.
Nothing exists and yet we put so much emphasis on that nothing that it becomes something we are attached to and cannot live without. We become emotional about it. It stresses us out and causes us to behave in ways that we cannot explain.
So, how do I feel today? The same. The remnants of that moment are lingering, twisting and floating in my mind and body. I'm not questioning it anymore though, I feel like it's a piece of wisdom that is living inside of me. There's nothing for me to do. There's nothing for me to need. I am here and that is all.
This wisdom has most likely always been living inside of me, it's only now I know it's there.
I had one of those moments yesterday. It was a split second visual of life up to this point flashing before my eyes and my brain wondering what it's all been for and my heart totally reaction-less.
It was strange and surreal and.......strange.
Strange mostly because this is not how I normally feel at all about my life. So (of course) I questioned the validity of the moment. Where did it come from? Why did it exist at all? What purpose does it serve? Is it something I need to look more carefully at? Was it fear? Would I really be relieved if it were all gone tomorrow?
Honestly, I answered yes to that last question.
Maybe it's my addiction to the tv show 'House Hunters International'. Seeing all those people give it all up to move to a remote location and live their dream life is SO appealling to me. I feel like I could literally go with one suitcase and start a fresh life.
As strange as the moment was. It definitely felt like I instantly became clear about the concept of nothingness.
Nothing exists and yet we put so much emphasis on that nothing that it becomes something we are attached to and cannot live without. We become emotional about it. It stresses us out and causes us to behave in ways that we cannot explain.
So, how do I feel today? The same. The remnants of that moment are lingering, twisting and floating in my mind and body. I'm not questioning it anymore though, I feel like it's a piece of wisdom that is living inside of me. There's nothing for me to do. There's nothing for me to need. I am here and that is all.
This wisdom has most likely always been living inside of me, it's only now I know it's there.
