More Love Please

I've totally been lying to myself all these years by telling myself that nobody loves me.

Of course everybody loves me.  They just all have different ways of showing it :)

Okay.  For real though.

How many times have you begged your significant other, friend or family member for more love?  More attention?  More affection?  More kindness?  Blah, blah, blah.  And they just don't understand what you are asking from them!

Here's a secret...

They don't understand what you are asking of them, because they feel that they are showing you how much they love you already in every possible way they know how!

See, we think that there is only one way to show Love....  OUR way....  But that's a lie we've been telling ourselves for Centuries.

There are lots of ways to show someone you love them.

This part might piss you off a little, so read at your own risk (there is no lifeguard on duty here), AND THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE, maybe not the best example, it's the only thing that popped into my head!  Some people who are abusive by nature feel that their abusiveness is an act of love.  Maybe because they are abusing you less than they were abused (and so you are actually better off somehow?).  Maybe because they feel they are saving you from certain doom by abusing you (keeping you from running off with an abusive mate?).  Maybe because they are blind to what they are doing and don't know how to stop themselves.  And maybe it's because they don't love themselves at all and so the level of love that you are receiving from them resembles abuse to you because you think of loving acts completely differently than your abuser.

(disclaimer:  This is a "for instance" for all who have been abused in the past.  For all of you are being abused in this moment, you do need to seek help for yourself.  Please do not think I am saying that being abused is something you need to tolerate at all.  I'm just trying to give those who have been there, done that a chance to look at their situation a little bit differently.)

So, here's the truth of the matter.  You cannot possibly love someone else more than you love yourself.  AND, another person cannot love you any more than they love themselves....  It's an impossibility!

Isn't that fabulous!

Well, fabulous in the way that I think this is a huge AHA moment for every man, woman and child that has ever felt unloved, unappreciated and invisible in someone's life.  I know it has been a huge AHA moment for me!


So the next time you are wondering why someone doesn't love you the way you feel you "should" be loved.  Remember that it's not personal.  That other person is doing all that they know how to do in the "showing of the love" department.

Hello Pain Body....How are you feeling today?

I've been reading a book by Don Miguel Ruiz called "The Mastery of Love".

This is an amazing (and very easy to read)book about unconditional love, why we as humans strive to find it and why we will never find it outside of ourselves.

Ruiz explains beautifully, why it is that while we search for unconditional love we leave a trail of hurt and broken hearts behind us.  Why it is that it never occurs to us to stop for a minute and look within ourselves for that love we are searching for.

It has everything to do with the emotional pain that our bodies are carrying around.

The book takes you through a journey into yourself.  Helps you to take a deeper look at who you are and then gives you what you need to heal your emotional wounds for good!

For me, this book strikes a big cord because I have been completely aware over the past month that I have a huge emotional wound that I have been protecting for years.  I've also seen how I have wounded someone else for getting too close to that pain.

Ruiz calls all of this unconscious behaviour a mental illness.  We are all consumed by this mental illness, none of us is immune to it because it's the behaviour that we have been exposed to at a very young age.  It's been going on for thousands of years.  It's not new.  It's why wars are waged and innocent people die everyday in them.

We are constantly poking at eachother's pain bodies.  If you feel hurt by something I have said or done; the emotional pain that has been accumulating over the years convinces you that you need to defend yourself against something and you poke my emotional wounds back.  This goes on and on and on and on.  And we are totally unconscious to why we do this, we feel justified because we have been hurt so it is the "right" thing to do to fight back.


We are defined by our emotional pain.  It's been living within us for so long that we don't know who we are without it.  We have no idea what life would feel like or look like without our attachment to that pain. 



Personally, I think that by just becoming aware that this is why we do what we do to eachother, great improvements can be made.  Once we are aware of why we are reacting to and treating others the way we are we can consciously make a decision to turn it around. 

As I read this book and I viewed my own daily reactions to life I realized how simple it could be for me to change all my own behaviour, reactions and connection to the pain body.  To observe and not react to someone poking at my emotional wounds will take some practice and yes I'm positive I will fall down every once in a while.  Because let's face it, that's how I learn the best.

I'm also positive that with each fall I will rise up a little more aware of and intent on slaying this pain body beast of mine.

Real Love Baby!

A fascinating article by Martha Beck about real love that I stumbled upon.

You may find this article useful if you are struggling with someone who has left you. If you are struggling with family difficulties. If you have been the one to make the decision to leave and feel utterly guilty over it. If you are human at all or have ever been in any kind of relationship.

This article spoke to me, because year ago I had come to a place in my life where it seemed that if I didn't leave my marriage, my husband and I would not have the chance to grow and evolve in the way that would be most beneficial.

It's not that I didn't love my husband dearly, I could just see that we were suffocating eachother.

I was on a rapid growth path and he was scared to death about it.

I had the feeling that if we stayed in eachother's presence in this way that one of us would be very unhappy and I felt as though he would be the one to suffer. And I did not want that to happen. So I asked for a separation.

My husband is the most loving, generous and supportive man. Even on days when I think he is not... He is!

As much as I felt badly about having to make such a decision I also knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing for all of the right reasons.

Needless to say we did not separate, he (thankfully) refused to let go of what we had and all that we have been through. I accepted that and here we are happily on the other side of that raging river we thought was going to pull us under as we crossed it.

So things are never as they seem (that's a whole other blog post for another time).

This article about how to tell if it's real love, really affirmed for me that when we were going through that rough time I really did have his best interests in mind and that it reflected whole heartedly the real love that I feel for him. That it wasn't so much about me getting away from the marriage just to run away, it was about making a decision that in the end may very well would have changed our lives for the better.

I have many friends who are struggling with relationships, either with their children, spouses or extended families. It is the way of things at this point in our evolution. And each time we discuss these issues with eachother I can feel the complete love that these people have for their relationships, that all they truly want is what is best for everyone involved. Sometimes it looks like separation or divorce, sometimes it looks like sending someone away. It may not feel like love for the other people involved, but it is truly what is.

As Martha Beck states in her article that one myth we believe about love is that real love is about trapping people into staying with us, that real love looks like people who stay together in situations they are not happy in. This is a myth.

What about you? Is real love finding happiness in the struggle to continue within a relationship to keep the other person happy in their delusion? Or is real love looking deeply into yourself and asking the tough questions and stepping up and behaving in a way that respects the other persons needs and benefits the whole, even though said benefits cannot be seen at the time?