Thirty Days

**Disclaimer:  This post is about sex.  FYI:  I have permission to write about this from my hubby.  He feels it's important to spread the word in order to help others.  What a nice guy!**

A few months ago I stumbled upon a woman by the name of Kim Anami.  Kim is a sex coach.  Her mind is wide open and she's on a mission is to save the planet by teaching us that great sex is a gift we give eachother and the world.

I've watched all of her videos numerous times and have turned hubby on (no pun intended) to the information as well.  He loves her candid approach and her step by step techniques to mastering the art of pleasure.

One challenge that Kim suggests is 30 days of sexual intimacy.  It could be sex with a partner or sex with yourself.  It doesn't matter who is doing the pleasuring just as long as you are engaging and allowing yourself to receive pleasure.  She also suggests that it not be quickie sex; she is adamant that you take the time to have what she calls 'gourmet sex'.  To really dive in and appreciate the experience.  I approached hubby about doing the challenge and gratefully he was up for it (omg the puns are everywhere!).

The best part about the 30 day challenge was the commitment we were making to eachother.  No cop outs.  No "I've got a headache" or "I'm too tired".  We knew that sometime during the day there was going to be sex without excuses and that knowledge seemed to be very comforting.  It seemed to take the fear of rejection out of the equation.

Not only was I eager to rekindle the intimacy in our lives by committing to this challenge; I was anxious to experience pleasure daily and see where the experience would take me.

For years hubby has dealt with my sexual rejection and until we were smack dab in the middle of that 30 days I had no idea how much damage we had allowed to accumulate over the years.  Both of us had ingrained expectations and fears; as well we had basically shut off our pleasure zones to avoid more rejection and disappointment.  Before this challenge I would describe our sex life as non-existent.  It was one of those things that got put at the bottom of the list of things to do and was usually reserved for special occasions (like the good china).  I rarely experienced orgasm (I realized that is because I had no muscle tone in my vaginal walls - no muscle tone equals no feeling!) and felt like it was something I had to do to be a good wife.  I tell you this because it's important for you to know that if I can do this so can you!

For 30 days there was fun and enjoyment; there were also tears and warm, tender embraces.  We talked for hours about things we've NEVER talked about.  We healed so much in that 30 days of consistent intimacy!  It's been nothing short of miraculous in my opinion.

There are physical and mental benefits to this challenge.  It's not just about the pleasure; though I think that's enough of a reason all on it's own.  Receiving pleasure daily has created a sense of calm in my mind and body.  I no longer have lower back and hip pain and stiffness.  I am happier and more patient.  I laugh more.  I am in love with my body and feel like I've lost weight even though the numbers on the scale haven't changed.  I feel like I'm 17 again.  I have more vitality and I am open to new experiences.  I make decisions more clearly and easily.

As anyone knows, 30 days of consistent action of any kind creates a habit.  This challenge will set you up for a life of consistent, lovely, enjoyable intimacy.  It will demand that you continue to receive and give pleasure as you were always meant to do.  It will beg you to keep opening to a deeper understanding of who you are and what you are capable of.

Knowledge is power!

No matter where you are at in your sex life; whether you are single, married or dating; consider opening yourself up a bit to exploring Kim's (or an equally fabulous sex coach) website.  She's got a ton of free information and lots of YouTube videos for you to enjoy.  I'll warn you she is raw and real.  She holds nothing back.

So I will leave you with that for now.  There is more information to come.  I've discovered many interesting things about sex that we weren't taught growing up that have really helped me understand my sexuality.

Tea With The Queen

If I could have tea with anyone in the world who would I pick?

The Queen.

Not the Queen of England though.  The Queen of Me.

That part of myself that's been locked in a cage for decades.  The part of me I have denied and whom I now realize has all of the answers I need in order to feel complete.  If only I knew where I put the key to that damn cage!

This part of me knows how to be more sensual and eager for deeper intimate connections.  She knows what it feels like to be in love and let that love light up the world.  She knows how to sway as she walks gently and powerfully through life.  She knows.  She can help me.  We need to have tea and chat.

I've come to a phase in my life where I feel I've lost all sense of the woman that I was...am...should be.  I feel as though I have lost the essence of that womanhood.

And maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist.  Maybe it's a simple matter of looking in the mirror and loving all that is there in front of me.  On my best days I do and I can.  It still feels as something is missing.

It feels as though there is a hollow space inside of me that is waiting to be inhabited.

This isn't the first time I've felt this way.  Last time I didn't know what I was seeking.  This time I know for sure.  I know that I want to reclaim my womanhood (whatever that really means).  I want to dance barefoot amongst the fireflies and feel my skirt brush against my bare legs when I twirl.  I want to play with abandon and laugh.  I want to laugh and sing and make love like there is nothing else in the world left to do.

My husband is always telling me about the wonderful ways in which I am the perfect woman for him. 

I tease that I think he's blind and deaf.  It makes me cry.  In these moments I feel as though I'm alone on an island and no one is looking for me.  I feel as though I will starve to death in the waiting.

This morning I was sharing all of this with my husband.  I was crying and telling him that I think I am afraid of the part of me that holds this power.  What will happen when I unleash it?  What will life look like?  Will it be too much glorious life for me?  Am I worthy of it?

Only time will tell.  Though one thing is for sure.  I am looking forward to answering those questions.

Now where did I put that damned key?

Sexploration

The mystery of where the womanly libido disappears after marriage and kids has always intrigued me.

It's something I have struggled with myself for many years, as well as knowing many friends and acquaintances that experienced the same thing.

Please do not read on if you are squeamish about this topic.

For years I tried all sorts of medical treatments to try and "cure" my "problem". I labeled it Female Sexual Dysfunction (yes there is such a thing..), it was something I was ashamed and embarrassed about. To have to admit that I was not in the least bit interested in sex made me feel out of place, different, lonely and like something was really wrong with me, a sexual misfit.

I believe many women (and men) live a life of quiet desperation, trying to figure out what is "wrong" with them. They have tried every cream, gel, toy and libido enhancing gadget out there to re-awaken the passion that lives within them. I spent a few months on a testosterone supplement which made me feel crazy and animal-like. Did it enhance my libido, yes. But at what cost to the health of my liver? And it felt completely unnatural for me to be feeling that way.

These are my thoughts.

Sex is sex. It does not guarantee love, commitment or intimacy. It quite often does little more than serve the purpose of releasing pent up energy.

During my child bearing days I enjoyed physical closeness. I very much enjoyed the process of creating another human life. Once my last son was born that enjoyment left me when it came to the physical act of sex.

I believe that once we have fulfilled our commitment to procreate it is natural for a woman to no longer feel connected to the physical act of sex. For one thing we are consumed with the daily caring for and nurturing of our new child(ren). That is our new role. Our old role of pro-creator is dissolved and we have moved on to our new role.

I was considering how over the last 20 years or so we have seen an increase in the need for males to use medication to enhance their own libido. This is not a coincidence, as I believe over the past 20 years we've become more spiritually evolved, that is we've become closer to living in our natural state. The closer we get to our natural state of being the less we require physical sex to connect. We can do it in other ways, exercise, yoga and meditation to name a few.

Our human brains and society tell us that something is wrong because our body isn't working properly or we no longer have a desire for sex. But what if, what we experience at that point is completely natural and is a cue from mother nature that new ways of closeness need to be explored, that we have "outgrown" the physical and it is time to move into the realm of the soul.

When we move closer into our natural state of being it becomes easier for us to connect on a soul level. Some would call this intellectual sex because it often occurs during intimate conversation and closeness. But what it is, is the moment that your soul connects with another. Ultimately this is the true "sex", this is true connection. There is nothing like it in this world. It is a feeling of total freedom, bliss and joy, completeness and fulfillment.

I believe that as a society we focus too much on the physical. Imagine if along with sex education we taught our children about the truth of love and connection through the heart and not through the genitals?

Many people connect sex with love and if they are not receiving one they do not feel the other.

This is a misconception.

Consider that ancient tantric "sex" techniques and knowledge resurfaced close to the time when Viagra commercials became popular. Coincidence? I think not! Tantric sex is the art of synchronizing breath between two people for the purpose of higher connection, it may lead to more physical contact but that is not the original intention.

The need for tantric sex techniques arise when we reach a space in our spiritual evolution where the physical act of sex is no longer necessary, fulfilling or available to us.

We've all experienced a moment when we've had a thought or vision regarding our spouse/partner who was in another place at the time and feelings of joy, gratitude and desire filled us. In that moment we are unable to fulfill that desire physically and so we deal with that moment intellectually, through the intellectual heart. Many times that fleeting moment will come back to us and make us smile. This is "intellectual" sex, connection at a soul level.

It is when we make this connection at the soul level and then turn it into something purely physical that we run into trouble. Disconnect occurs because we place the expectation of sex onto it. There is no place or need for physical sex when connecting at the level of the soul.

Am I saying you need to give up your physical needs for gratification. Absolutely not! What I am saying is that to be incapable of taking part in physical sex is quite possibly just as natural as being capable and does not leave room for blame, excuses or shame.

(Of course there may be medical reasons for this incapability and I urge you to seek medical attention before you just chalk it up to spiritual evolution).

I realize there are people out there that truly do love the physical act of sex. However, there are a great many more who do not and are struggling with their confidence and their relationships because of it.

I offer you these thoughts as a way for you to reconcile with the pure genius that is your body and soul. It knows what it needs. Instead of pushing towards a solution, try sitting with the truth for a moment and see where that leads you.