I Love TED Talks

I am addicted to TED Talks. 

This one by Thandie Newton really touched me.

It sounded familiar.

I wondered if it would sound familiar to you too.

Finding Jenn

Last year around this time I was on a quest to find my true essence.  My inner goddess.

To dress on the outside the way I feel on the inside.  To speak my truth in my true voice.  To march to the beat of my own drum...so to speak.

Somehow I got side tracked.

Motherhood will do that to you when your personal goal isn't as important to you as your children's well-being and happiness.

In fact, until today I hadn't really realized how far back I had left myself.  How low my self-worth was.

On January 1 I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever it took to get back on my quest to find the real Jenn.

Today was the first step in doing that.

I hired my good friend and amazing 'Thrift Style Expert' Denise Rivait to come by and work her magic in my closet.

Denise is one of those women who has a natural sense of personal style.  Everything I see her in is something that looks fabulous and she totally rocks it!

So it was an easy decision to make to have her come in and give me a hand in finding my true self.

I was not expecting to have my entire closet wiped out! 

Okay, I did expect that.  I knew it was coming, nothing I wear feels like me, it feels drab.  As a 'stay-at-home-mom-preneur' I rarely spend good money on clothes, I wear what I have and make due until I can't stand it anymore, then I go shopping and buy whatever's in my path, just to bring it home and rarely wear it.

Seeing all of my clothes in the 'give away' pile was a sobering sight. 

If all that I've purchased in the past is not right, how in the world am I going to make sure I bring in clothes to wear that are going to scream 'this is Jenn!' now?

I sat down and I cried.

Not a bad cry, but a good cry.  A cry of realization that the adventure I was about to embark on was going to be one that would truly make me stand out.  I was finally going to own and wear things that aligned with my essence.

I'd have to say the greatest part about today's experience was the shopping.  Denise did a fabulous job of handing me item after item, stretching my imagination, ignoring my comfort zone and keeping me from the grey sweaters and comfy yoga pants...

We found some great deals, I walked through the mall with the biggest smile on my face and my heart filled with excitement for what this experience means for my future.

I am looking forward to tomorrow morning.  I am excited about getting dressed and slipping on my new knee high boots and funky jacket instead of throwing on the jogging pants and sweatshirt.

Stay tuned...there's definitely more to come on this topic :)

The Truth Is....

Being honest with yourself is probably the hardest thing you will ever do.

You'll have to face some big things that you've been lying to yourself about.

It's gonna be SO worth it!

A little while back I got an email from a friend. 

As always it was perfect timing.  I was in need of a reality check, I had been ignoring my truth and working hard at the things I really don't enjoy doing which translates into nothing, notta, zip. 

I learned a long time ago that when I'm not honest with myself about the direction I'm going in, I feel like a failure.  If I continue on a project that feels bad to me but I'm being encouraged by an outside source, I feel like a failure.  And still I get stuck in that sometimes.

The article talked about how being honest with yourself and embracing your truth can help you build your business.  Personally, I wasn't focused on how this would improve my business, I was more interested in what it would do for me personally.  Since personally I was feeling like I was stuck in quicksand.

The article encourages you to make a list of truths.

The list starts 'The Truth Is....' and you go through each and every thing you can think of that you've been trying to deny for so long.

My list was long.

The struggle was getting down to my core issues and not focusing on what someone else might want me to focus on (I know you're thinking where does someone else's expectations come in...  I don't know, they just do sometimes).

What happens when you are looking at a physical list of truth?  It changes you.  It changes your direction and it changes your decisions and priorities.

I looked at my list and thought "why on earth would I continue to do anything that I don't feel good about or that doesn't honour my truth?"

Here's my list.

The truth is I HATE (I know a strong word, and yet oh so appropriate) doing business work.
The truth is I really want to draw and teach and heal all day long.
The truth is I don't spend enough time being a mom (because some days I'm too busy doing the business thing)
The truth is I'm afraid of my potential.
The truth is I'm tired of holding back, I'm tired of being afraid and I'm tired of 'playing small'.
The truth is I love my life when I am sharing wisdom and drinking latte's with new (and old) friends.
The truth is I am tired of denying myself true happiness for someone else's emotional well being.
The truth is when it comes to business I despise the networking scene and think it's a joke.
The truth is I have a lot to learn about everything in life and the truth is I am eager to do that learning.

The list goes on and on.

What does your list of truth look like?

Honouring my Voice

I hope I didn't throw you off with that last post about 'recipe for change'.

It's getting some mixed reviews.  It's not what people expect from me when I write.

Though my journey lately has been really uncomfortable, confusing and frustrating.  I've been focused on my exterior instead of my interior.  Something I clearly have had to do since that's what I've been doing. You can't change what is.

I realize there are better more harmonious and love filled recipes for change (and I do believe I have shared enough harmonious and love filled options in the past), but sometimes we're not ready for those types of recipes, sometimes we need something a little more spunky to get the job done.  The recipe I wrote  yesterday was the one I was feeling in that moment and usually I would keep those kinds of raw words to myself.  I would sit with them inside of me, let them make me feel crappy and I would write something pretty and frilly once that moment passed by and I was in a different space.

But this isn't true authenticity.  By doing that I'm not allowing you to see a side of me that is very real.  And as embarrasing as it can be sometimes....  It is what it is....

We all have those peaceful, loving, balanced sides to ourselves and we also have darker, raw, punchy sides as well.  And I am no different.

And as much as my raw side tends to only pop up once in a while, it still does. 

As a healer and "spiritual" woman I hadn't given myself permission in the past to write EXACTLY what I felt in these moments because I thought it would send the 'wrong' message, it would look 'wrong' to the world.

But this blog is not only for you alone, this blog is for me.  It's not a place to impress others with fancy words.  (Although it thrills me to get comments and have people read what I've written)  It is for me to record my journey and to work through EVERY moment that comes my way in the way that feels appropriate in the moment.

I wrote the recipe for change the way I did because it felt good just to say it!  It felt good just to let out those thoughts and feelings without judging it.  And if I want to be a role model for other women, then it's important for me to show you how 'real' I am.  And how just by saying what you want to say can free you from the prison you've been living in.

This is a lesson in speaking my truth in the moment that I am in.  Some of those moments will look a little rough around the edges, but they are real.

And at the end of the day, real is what it's all about....

Acceptance of Truth

I've been keeping this post to myself.  I didn't want to share it for many reasons.

Fear being at the root of them all.

I have to write it though.

For the sake of moving forward.

For the sake of being honest.  With myself.

It's not enough for me anymore to write things in my journal.  I find it more therapeutic to blog it out, then it's not private anymore, it's out there.  It makes it more real, it makes me accountable. 

I've been thinking alot about my life.  Where it's headed, what I could be doing differently, what needs attention these days to make the journey smoother.

And the one thing that I keep coming back to, the one thing that I pretend isn't a big deal, and yet it feels like a huge boulder sitting in my path is the issue of my family.

They are in almost every dream I dream.  I dream of hugging my sister, seeing my brothers smile and fighting to get a kiss from my nephew.  I dream of long talks with my mom and short shopping trips that turn into hours of browsing the store.

I miss my mom.  I miss her presence in my life and yet she is still here on this earth and I have denied myself time and closeness with her.  I find myself thinking about all of the things we have done together over the years.  All the times I accompanied her to wedding receptions.  How much fun we had.

The problem has been that I have been denying that I miss them.  I've been afraid to admit it to myself.  I've been afraid to acknowledge the hole that has been left in my world by my family.  I wanted to be strong...  Not weak... 

I've been wrong.  It's not weak to admit your true feelings and speak your truth.  Strength is not in the fighting against and denial of your emotions.  Strength is in recognizing that something is standing in the way of you moving forward and doing something about it.
I've wasted too much time telling myself stories to convince myself that I don't miss them, that I'm better off without them in my life.
They may not be in a place of acceptance for this truth.  And it really doesn't matter, it only matters that I am in a place of accepting my truth.  Accepting it and embracing it and forgiving myself for denying it. 

That's where I am and that's where I've been for months now.

Vulnerability and Truth

Have you ever examined your vulnerability to outside influences.

People, places, things can have an affect on you and throw you off balance, turn you in a direction you are not necessarily comfortable with or question your level of knowledge or sanity.

The more you know about what you are vulnerable to, the more power you have over them.

I believe vulnerability shows us where we need to toughen up, tighten up security and repair/heal ourselves so that we don't have any weak spots in our fortress (so to speak).

Like intuition, being aware of your vulnerabilities can save you from disappointment in the end.

Every single one of us is working towards living in our truth, taking ownership for our true power and every once in a while we are handed an opportunity to try out our skills and see how well we fare. Well, not just once in a while, this can sometimes be a daily occurrence!

We are often faced with someone or something that challenges our truth (usually through supporting a limiting belief we hold within ourselves) and in that moment we are given a choice, a fork in the road of sorts. You can stand up in your truth, assume your position of power within yourself and deal. Or you can take a detour and experience what this challenge does to you when you allow your vulnerabilities to take over.

Neither path is right or wrong, and both can serve you in tremendous ways.

The path of strength can build confidence in you for the next go around and the path of vulnerability can help you to better understand yourself.

Either way you win.

But how do we realize our truth, how do we know we are living within it?

When you are experiencing more joy than pain. When you feel comfortable with who you are and you stop apologizing to the world for your existence. When you decide to live rather than hide.

This is when you will know you have found your truth.

And it is not hard to find, it has been living within you all this time.