I Thought I Knew...

I thought I knew who I was... 

I thought I could say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was an unconditional lover.  That I was living my purpose on purpose, loving myself, full of happiness and joyful abundance.  I thought I could maintain peacefulness, patience and a loving demeanor throughout a challenging situation.  That I was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound....Ah, okay, maybe not that last one.

Then I found out I was only human.  Ha!  Imagine my surprise that my 'unconditional' love turned into love with hoards of conditions!  Imagine my surprise when I began to put someone else's emotional needs before mine (again) and proved to myself that I indeed did not love myself as fully (or unconditionally) as I thought!  Imagine my surprise when life began to place in front of me people and circumstances of all shapes and sizes whose sole (or soul) purpose was to mirror for me the things I had missed about myself, the flaws, the faults, the things I had tried to hide so neatly behind my smile.

Ack!!!

And then, the vulnerability, the shamefulness of this realization.

"Oh what a fool I have been" she says dramatically as the back of her hand rests on her forehead, head thrown back in anguish. 

Personal realizations like this one are probably the number one reason why many people don't even look at themselves in the mirror, for fear of being 'found out'.

That used to be one of my biggest fears, or at least the thing my ego would scream at me the most "what if people find out that you are a big ole fraudy pants?"

I think that subconsciously I knew what my shadows were and I knew I wasn't proud of them but I had no idea how to use them to my advantage.  So instead they became something I feared.  The very idea of the closet door swinging open to expose all of my skeletons made my skin crawl.

And here we are, the closet door has been kicked in and I have been staring into the deep empty eye sockets of those skeletons for over a month and you know what?  They are nothing more than plastic props made in China used by the ego to keep me stuck in fear and worry.  That's it!

I wish I could say that facing these skeletons didn't affect me emotionally, mentally or physically.  They definitely did.  But there was something that I kept in mind every time one of them would peek out of the door. 

I kept in mind something that I heard Joyce Meyers say on one of her programs.  She said "God knows every inch of you, He made you just the way you are, nothing you do surprises Him.  So there is no sense worrying about every move you make and wondering if you'll ever become the perfect person because in His eyes you are perfect.  So just live!  Go out there and do what you do with passion and forget about what the 'devil' is trying to tell you through your faults.  God loves you beyond your faults."

I used that quote/reminder like crazy!  It made sense to me and it brought me back from the brink of insanity.

I like that!










 

Can I get a Hell Ya?!

I have been listening a lot to Joyce Meyer ministries lately.  I love her straight forward-ness about life and about faith.

The cd I have been listening to is about getting our thoughts in order.  Ending the 'poor me' stuff and just getting on with it.

This weekend, like every holiday weekend was tough emotionally for me.

I found myself asking 'why do I bother' and then on the way to see my friend for a walk today I popped in Joyce Meyer and I heard her say something like "I asked God why it is that I work my butt off to be a good person, to learn more about life so I can live more fully and help others when so many people that I pass on the street don't seem to be doing anything of the sort.  What is up with that?!?!"

Oh my goodness!  How did she get into MY head?!?!

God's response to her went something like "You pray for an awful lot don't ya?  You pray to be a good person, you pray to help others, you pray to be of service AND then you expect to not have to actually take a higher stand?  To walk a different path?  If you want what you want then you have to walk a different walk and talk a different talk"

Oh.... {blush}

The minute I was thinking "oh whoa is me, I do this and I do that and no one takes notice.  They still get mad, they still don't like me"  waaaaahhhhh waaaaahhhhh  waaaaaahhhhh  I was reminded that I pray to be who I am.  I pray like nobody's business to be of service and to be a blessing in this world every single day.

I turned on a new attitude today after hearing Joyce talk about her experience.

I turned "they don't see me for who I am" into "my light shines so bright it must blind them!"

Can I get a HELL YA!

I like that a whole lot better than focusing on what I'm not getting from others.  Because if I'm being honest and realistic I don't need anything from anybody.  I have everything I need.

I also realized I've been doing the 'poor me' thing in one specific area of my life and I have some changes to make (when don't I).  I saw this weekend that God has been showing me a lesson for quite a while now and I haven't been learning that lesson.  I've been waving it off, putting it off and ignoring it.

I'd rather learn the lesson His way though instead of waiting for it to hit me over the head.

So no more passing the buck.  I'm grabbing this bull by the horns and gettin' things done.

Stay tuned...  This might make for some very interesting blog posts : )