Outer Silence....Inner Conflict

So I thought I would be a smarty pants and adopt a 'silence is golden' attitude around here.  I cited (to myself) that there is just no sense saying something out loud that might offend, disappoint or piss someone off to the point where a new set of issues is born.

I'm just going to listen...  This is new territory for me...

Things were going great!  Silence...it seemed....really was golden and the road to take when in doubt.  Perfect!

Until I developed a pain in my neck.

No.  Seriously.  A physical pain in my neck.

Earlier in the week it was mild, just a slight tinge of pain and only felt if I wanted to look to the left.

Then it got bigger and stronger, making my head hurt and my left shoulder weak.  I got hubby to massage my neck one night and then we tried the TENS thingy majig on it.

Nothing.

If anything it got worse.

Then this morning hubby asked me what it means emotionally to have neck pain.  So, I looked it up (something I do for everyone else in my life, just not me).

Basically, neck pain relates to flexibility or rather the inflexibility you are exhibiting.  The left side neck pain means I am being inflexible in relation to the feminine aspect of my life.

But wait a minute!  I've been flexible.  I've been silent!!!!!  What the heck!!!

Here's the catch.  In my quest for outer silence, I had forgotten to keep track of what was happening within.  It wasn't my outer world that was causing my neck pain, it was my inner world.

What I hadn't noticed (or better yet, what I was ignoring) was that inside of me brewed an inner conflict.  There was a little war being waged inside of me.  My imaginary friends were having conversations in my head about how things SHOULD be and how I needed to be more peaceful, more loving, more entertaining, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!  Once I took a deeper look at it I realized that this inner conflict has been making me tired.  It's been weakening my energy little by little, I have become vulnerable to negative and toxic energy because I've allowed my inner self to be at war instead of promoting inner peace.  The domino effect had begun!!!

How many of us are walking around thinking we got it all going on?  We smile when appropriate, we say kind and loving things, we keep our opinions to ourselves AND at the same time we are worn out, we are experiencing spurts of frustration and anger out of the blue.  We are ignoring what is happening inside of us!  We may have it all going on on the outside, but on the inside we may be engaged in a battle!

So here is my Sunday lesson :)  Outer Silence (or seeming outer peacefulness) does not immediately add up to Inner Peace.  It can actually mean the opposite if you aren't paying attention (which I wasn't).  Now I'm going back to the drawing board, almost.  I'm not going to throw away my silence is golden option, though I am going to make sure I balance the silence with some inner reflection and healing to make sure that someone's paying attention in there!

I'm also learning about weakness and vulnerability and how much the ego LOVES when you are down and out and not paying attention to the stuff going on in your head.  More on that later :)